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Ms. Cartwright.....Jennifer Aniston Mr. Williams.....Chris Parnell Ms. Blanchard.....Rachel Dratch Teenager.....Seth Meyers Steve Irwin.....Will Forte Ms. Cartwright: Hi. I'm here to see Mr. Williams. Mr. Williams: Call me Baxter. Baxter Williams! And you must be Ms. Cartwright. Ms. Cartwright: Yes. Beverly. So glad to meet you. Mr. Williams: Well, I'm pleased as punch to meet you, Ms. Cartwright - Beverly, if you insist. [ examines a file ] Now, Ms. Cartwright, I understand you'd like to adopt a baby from our agency. Ms. Cartwright: Yes. Yes, that's correct. Mr. Williams: Do you have previous parenting experience? Ms. Cartwright: No, I don't. That's why I want to adopt, because I am unable to bear children. Mr. Williams: I can't bear them, either! [ laughs ] That's a little joke we like to tell around here. Ms. Cartwright: Oh. Well, that's very funny. Mr. Williams: Strange. You didn't laugh like you enjoyed it. Ms. Cartwright: No, it was funny. I'm just very nervous right now. This is a big step for me. Mr. Williams: You know, some women have to have sex and gain weight for nine months in order to have a baby. You've chosen to shop for one straight out of a catalogue. Tell us why you feel you're so privileged. Ms. Cartwright: Well, as, uh.. as I thought I mentioned, I'm unable to have children. I have sex all the time, but I have weak ovaries. Mr. Williams: With how many men would you say you've had sex with, and with how many of them have you tried to get pregnant? Ms. Cartwright: No, I'm married. I only have sex with my husband. Mr. Williams: How about before you were married? Ms. Cartwright: I don't see where that's relevant. Mr. Williams: I mean, is it possible the problem is with him, and that you could easily get pregnant with another man, perhaps one whose sperm is more fertile? Ms. Cartwright: See, I just said I have weak ovaries. The problem is all me. Mr. Williams: Ms. Cartwright, I'll be honest - if it were up to me, I'd give you one of our babies, but I'm afraid it would go against company policy. We don't just give these critters to anybody, and you're simply not what we're looking for in an adoptive mother right now. Ms. Cartwright: Well, what are you looking for in an adoptive mother? My questionaire speaks for itself! Mr. Williams: [ folds her questionaire in half ] Hmm.. yes, it certainly does. [ a haggard Ms. Blanchard stumbles into the office ] Ms. Blanchard: Yeah, hi. I need to get a new baby. Mr. Williams: Ah, it's nice to see you again, Ms. Blanchard, but what happened to your old baby? Ms. Blanchard: [ slightly embarrassed ] It's no one's fault, really.. but I'm an arsonist by nature, and I was unable to find a sitter last night.. so I took my baby out with me, and.. well.. I guess that fire must have got out of hand, because.. up in flames went baby, cradle and all! [ laughs ] Mr. Williams: [ shakes his head with a tsk ] Oh boy, you hate to see that happen! Well, there's only so much we're supposed to be able to do.. but we want our adoptive mothers to be happy, so we'll be glad to issue a new baby to you, Ms. Blanchard! Ms. Blanchard: Thank you, thank you, thank you! You guys are the greatest! Mr. Williams: Not a problem. See Shirley at the front desk. [ Ms. Blanchard exits office ] Ms. Cartwright: Wait a minute. You gave that woman a baby, she set it on fire, and now you're just going to give her a new one? Mr. Williams: We're very particular about giving our babies away, but we do offer a lifetime warranty. Ms. Cartwright: Do you understand that she set her baby on fire?? Mr. Williams: [ nods sheepishly ] But her uterus works. Ms. Cartwright: This isn't right. I'm going to complain to the Better Business Bureau, or write a very angry letter to my congressman! [ Teenager pokes his head in the office ] Teenager: Excuse me? Hi. Mr. Williams: [ smiles ] Jason! So good to see you! How's your mom? Teenager: Mom died last week. Mr. Williams: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Teenager: So am I. She led a rich life. All those years of searching for the right man, never to find true happiness until the day she adopted me. We saved each others' lives. Mr. Williams: That's a very touching sentiment, Jason. If there's anything I can do. Teenager: You gotta put me back on the adoption block, man! I can't make it on my own! Please! Give me two parents this time, I need double the odds! Mr. Williams: Jason, Jason, Jason.. no, it doesn't work that way. This is the end of the road for you. Finito. We're an adoption agency, not a recycling plant. There's nothing more we can do for you. Teenager: [ starts to cry, then notices Ms. Cartwright ] Are you looking for a son? I have 18 years of experience. I can't provide a reference, but you can take my word for it! I'll make you proud! Ms. Cartwright: No. I'm afraid I'm looking for something smaller, with less hair. Mr. Williams: Jason, could you please leave? I have numerous appointments today, and just can't devote any time for you right now. Teenager: Fine. I'll wait in the outer office. [ exits ] Mr. Williams: I'd really prefer it if you'd wait in the back alley. Ms. Cartwright: You know, it's absolutely unfair that you'd let a single woman adopt a child, but you have a grudge with me. I'm married! Mr. Williams: Ms. Cartwright, let's pretend this is date rape and "no" means "no". [ suddenly, Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin enters the office ] Steve Irwin: Hi. They told me I could get right in, because I'm a celebrity! Mr. Williams: Well, if it isn't Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin! [ Mr. Williams reaches out to shake Steve's hand. Steve lifts his left arm, revealing that his hand has been chewed off. ] Steve Irwin: Well, I'd love to shake your hand, but.. you know.. Mr. Williams: Yes, I can see. What can we do for you, Mr. Irwin? Steve Irwin: Well, I was showing the alligators to my baby boy, and - crikey, wouldn't you know it - misfortune befell us! Chum is sort of an acquired taste, giving in more to cravings for raw toddler flesh. Mr. Williams: I can imagine. Steve Irwin: I love my son, but there's no use crying over spilt milk. Thanks to the Irwin Family Sperm, there's plenty more where that came from! But my wife is refusing marital relations right now, so I thought it would really brighten her day if we could adopt a new one. And I'll take extra special care of this one, because it's not mine! Mr. Williams: [ laughing ] Take one.. take two.. take them all! We're overstocked, and we really need to move our merchadise! Ms. Cartwright: Hey, as long as you're practically giving these things away, could I get one? Mr. Williams: N. O. Steve Irwin: Now, that spells "No!" [ Ms. Cartwright lets out a scream and storms out of the office, as Mr. Williams and Steve Irwin continue to chat like old friends ] [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
