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Britney Spears.....Jennifer Aniston Jason Alexander.....Seth Meyers Priest.....Darrell Hammond Limo Driver.....Jeff Richards Shamu.....Will Forte (Open to Britney (Aniston) wearing cut up jeans, a black halter top with a white garter pulled up over her left pant leg and a baseball cap. Jason (Meyers) in jeans a t-shirt and a black haired wig. They are standing at the beginning of the church aisle, the limo driver (Richards) standing off to the side of Britney and Jason, with the priest waiting on the altar.) Britney Spears: You have the marriage license? Jason Alexander: You know it. Let's go! (Begins dragging her down the aisle.) Britney Spears: Wait! Jason this is a mistake! I can't do this! I know I promised but I just can't. Jason Alexander: You're not backing out now! After 14 years of broken promises you owe me! Britney Spears: Can't we just have sex and let the press go from there? Jason Alexander: No, and I'll tell you why: our lifelong "friendship" has been nothing but quickies. And at the end of the night you don't think anything's happened and I haven't performed! Britney Spears: What are you talking about? Jason Alexander: Our second grade talent show. Britney Spears: The one that I won? Jason Alexander: The one we were supposed to do together and you told your parents not to pick me up. Britney Spears: I thought you said you had a ride. Jason Alexander: If I'd said that I would have been there wouldn't I? And I wasn't, was I? Britney Spears: Well I thought -- Jason Alexander: If I recall correctly, you also thought my dog Fluffy would bounce if you dropped him off the roof of your house. Britney Spears: He did kind of, and I swear your dog looks just like the one that bit my neighbor. Jason Alexander: And that time you told the whole school I was retarded. Britney Spears: I meant it as a joke. You were the only person I knew who could only ride a bike in one direction in a circle. Jason Alexander: I can't help it that one leg is longer than the other. Britney Spears: I just didn't want this to be my first divorce. Jason Alexander: Britney, I know you've broken every promise you've ever made to me, but this doesn't have to be another one of them. We can make pie out of these lemons. Britney Spears: It does have to be this way, it's in my contract. Jason Alexander: Well fine, we're still getting married so you might as well get used to it and enjoy it. (Britney shrugs and Jason runs lopsided up to the altar, due to one leg being longer than the other, the limo driver walks Britney down the aisle) Priest: We are gathered here today to join in Holy matrimony this man and this woman. Jason Alexander: You hear that! No turning back now! There's no leaving me at the dock in my skivvies, this time! Priest: I understand the two of you have prepared your own vows? Britney Spears: What? Jason Alexander: Oh, (starts digging in his pocket) One second, (pulls out a crumpled piece of paper) here you go, it's your vows. Britney Spears: (hesitant and forced) I Britney Spears do take this man as my lawfully wedded husband. In talent shows, and in karaoke bars, I promise to keep my promises for as long as we are together, to not embarrass, humiliate, forget or forsake Jason, but rather to cherish, and if not to cherish then to, at least, take him twice to SeaWorld. Jason Alexander: I've never been before. Priest: And your vows, Jason? Jason Alexander: I Jason Alexander do take this woman as my lawfully wedded wife, and I promise not to harbor a grudge any longer and not to plant nuts in her back yard attracting squirrels. We're going to SeaWorld! (Leans in to kiss the bride) Britney Spears: (Pushing him away) You know; SeaWorld's really not that great. Jason Alexander: Don't ruin this for me! Britney Spears: It's my wedding too! Priest: Real quick, because we've got another couple lined up, I pronounce you man and wife. Jason Alexander: (the two of them step off to the side and a rapid series of couples start getting married in the back ground) Fine! Where do you want to go? Britney Spears: Let's not start this marriage with fighting. Jason Alexander: Oh, even better let's start it with broken promises? (A beat) Oh my God! Britney Spears: What? Jason Alexander: You've already broken your vows! I can't be married to a woman who can't keep her vows! I want an annulment! Britney Spears: You want to annul a marriage with me? Over SeaWorld? Jason Alexander: I know it's important to compromise, but I can't sacrifice my dreams. What about Shamu? (Jason heads out of the chapel, John Mayer's "Your Body is a Wonderland" begins to play and a montage of Jason's journey begins: leaves the chapel, arrives at SeaWorld, stands on the performance stage in a wetsuit with Shamu leaping gloriously over him -- and landing catastrophically on top of him.) Shamu: (in a high pitched voice) "Live from New York It's Saturday Night!" Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
