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Percy Wells.....Jimmy Fallon Sally Jackson.....Jennifer Aniston Announcer.....Finesse Mitchell Edgar Potts.....Will Forte [Intro: Scene begins with stock footage of an elephant standing. Cut to Percy Wells and Edgar Potts in a jeep with a green screen behind them mimicking elephant background. They aim their guns. Shooting sound effects sound followed by an elephant scream and giant thud. Repeat with a duck crossing the street with a line of baby ducks. Cut to blue background Super 'Cooking with Potts and Wells.'] Announcer: (voice over during the preceding part.) There's no kill too big...or too small for these two, they just have to adjust the cooking time. Now let's get Cooking with Potts and Wells. [Scene: Cooking show set up. Edgar Potts and Percy Wells are dressed as big game hunters, have mustaches and speak with British accents.] Percy Wells: Right then, welcome to 'Cooking with Potts and Wells.'. I'm Percy Wells and this is me hunting and cooking partner Edgar Potts... Edgar Potts: Cheers. Before we get started I want to mention that the ducks that we shot, like literally shot, in the intro...there's only about a thousand of them delicious beggars left. (almost in tears) Bloody shame. Percy Wells: I know...as hunters nobody cares more about wildlife than us. (to Edgar Potts) It's okay. Our message is simple: if we want to keep eating these animals we have to protect them. Now to help us deliver that message let's bring out our guest, Sally Jackson from the Minnesota Zoo. Come on out Sally! [Enter Sally Jackson.] Percy Wells: Hello Sally! Sally Jackson: Hi fellas, sorry about just getting here...I had to deliver a baby zebra. It sure was something. Edgar Potts: Just glad you made it. (into camera) And get this...she sent over some actual animals from the zoo! Fantastic! Sally Jackson: Well, I figured u'd be expecting me to bring something. Percy Wells: Well...maybe a bottle of wine or something...u really outdid yourself! Edgar Potts: Let's talk about the Lemur you sent over. (unwrapping a hunk of meat) How endangered is it? Sally Jackson: Well it's a broad-nosed gentle Lemur and there's only about 1000 left in the wild. Edgar Potts: (While putting meat on burner with sizzle affect) Shame. Bloody shame. Sally Jackson: Do...do you want me to bring the Lemur out? [awkward pause. Percy Wells and Edgar Potts look at the steak cooking.] Percy Wells: I think we're okay with the Lemur. Sally Jackson: (looking nervous) You know come to think of it...when I came in I didn't notice my assistants...they were the ones who brought the animals over... Edgar Potts: Assistants! Pff...we wanted to help out with the animals and they became feral as dingoes! Percy Wells: They were on a cocaine high I told u...I've seen it before. Sally Jackson: What? That doesn't sound like Nancy and Ingrid... Edgar Potts: Percy here had to hit each of them with a couple of elephant tranquilizer darts...even with that one of them hit me in the nose. Percy Wells: Not to worry, they're sleeping it off in the green room. Sally Jackson: Uh okay...the animals are all safe though right? [Awkward pause.] Edgar Potts: The reason we asked you here is because u're an expert on the Philippine Eagle, correct? Sally Jackson: Yes I studied them for many many years but... Edgar Potts: Tell us about it while we cook up some delicious omelets! Sally Jackson: Sure..well the Philippine Eagle...wait...those...rn't those Philippine Eagle eggs?! Where did you get all those eggs? Percy Wells: The Philippines! No offense but u're supposed to be an expert... Edgar Potts: How do you like your Philippine Eagle eggs mate? Percy Wells: Poached! Ha ha. Sorry, it's an old hunter's joke. Sally Jackson: Joke? Is this a joke? I was told you two were conservationists? Edgar Potts: Absolutely! Believe me, once everyone here has had a taste of a Philippine Eagle egg omelet they'll start caring more about it than they ever did before! [Cut to a section of the crowd cheering] Sally Jackson: Don't cheer that! [Cut to crowd sitting down looking embarrassed. Cut back to normal shot.] Sally Jackson: I don't know what's going on here but I'm taking these eggs with me! Edgar Potts: (grabbing another basket of eggs from under the counter) Alright, we'll just have to make due with the two hundred others. Enough for everybody! [Cut to crowd cheering. Sally Jackson gives them a stern look. Cut to crowd sitting down looking embarrassed. Cut back to normal shot.] Sally Jackson: I don't get this...that eagle is extremely endangered...how did you even find all those eggs! Edgar Potts: (pulls out a little handheld radar device) Well, because they eagles are so endangered they tag 'em with these little radio transmitter tags...so they can keep track of them and study them. With a few frequency adjustments this little device here lets me home in on the eagle's nest with absolute ease. Sally Jackson: I...I am flabbergasted and appalled by the obscene use of what is supposed to be... Edgar Potts: (looking at his handheld device) Wait one second ma'am. This is strange... Percy Wells: What? Edgar Potts: (to Percy Wells) I did a frequency scan and...I'm getting a tag signal from your trousers mate! Percy Wells: Well, it may look like I have a python in my pants but that's no python... Edgar Potts: I'm serious mate look... Percy Wells: It must be a malfunction. Edgar Potts: Maybe...but hey...weren't you in the Amazon last week hunting them rare fish? Percy Wells: Yeah so. Edgar Potts: Oh man mate....I think you might have picked up a mini-piranha...one of them must have crawled up your Lyndon Johnson. Percy Wells: Mini-piranha? I've never heard of a mini-piranha. Edgar Potts: Not surprising. The Brazilians used them as seasoning, Piranha Flakes it was called, and now there are only about 100 of them left. That's why they tag them. They're about the size of a grain of sand but man, what an appetite. Percy Wells: Appetite? Edgar Potts: For flesh. A pack of them can eat a cow in twenty minutes...but that's a whole cow mind u. (taking a piece of meat and a fork.) If it's a mini-piranha, it'll be attracted by the smell of raw meat...maybe it'll jump out to get it... Percy Wells: What? That's crazy. (a beat) Give me the fork. [Percy Wells takes down pants. His lower body is obscured by the counter.] Sally Jackson: Oh my... Percy Wells: I don't see anything... Edgar Potts: Yeah...he's not going for it. Oh damn...I hope the smell of raw meat hasn't started him on a feeding frenzy... Percy Wells: Feeding frenzy?! Edgar Potts: They don't call 'em piranhas for nothing... Percy Wells: Oh no...I...I think I can feel it...it's gnawing away in there...I gotta get it out! [Edgar Potts hands Percy Wells a two pronged BBQ fork from off the table and Percy Wells brings it below counter level. He makes wrenching motions with it. Edgar Potts starts laughing.] Percy Wells: I think I almost got it...stop laughing! Edgar Potts: I can't help it...there's no such thing as a mini-piranha u daft bastard! Percy Wells: But the radar device was showing a tag... Edgar Potts: Ha ha, I slipped a tag into your pocket before the show...oh man...classic. Percy Wells: I think I did some major damage to my urethra... Edgar Potts: Oh I'm pretty certain you did, wrenching that metal prong in there like that...ouch! Now pull up your pants, we've got a lady present. (holding out plate with steak on it.) Lemur? Sally Jackson: (gasps) you two are the most depraved human beings I've ever come across! Edgar Potts: If by depraved you mean hungry for Lemur, then that's me! [Outraged Sally Jackson grabs the plate from Edgar Potts and leaves carrying several baskets of eggs] Edgar Potts: Can you believe that? She took the whole thing! I've never even had Lemur before!(to crowd) And if their rate of decline continues none of us will ever be able to taste a Lemur...so please, do your part and save this most likely delectable creature. Percy Wells: (slowly, in pain) I think I need medical attention. Edgar Potts: Well, I'm sorry folks but we've got to go. Next week is American Croc week so see you then! [Fade Out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
