[Scene begins in an affluent home. Two couples (Parnell, Dratch; Hammond, Aniston) are gathered in a living room, drinking champagne.]

Anderson: I want to say something. (lifts glass of champagne) To my best friend...

Bill: Anderson, you don’t have to do this...

Anderson: Yes I do. To my best friend, Bill, of nearly forty years...and business partner for the last eighteen. And...to my beautiful wife, who has been there through thick and thin. A toast to the new year!

Bill’s Wife: (playfully) Hey, what about me?

[Everyone laughs heartily.]

Anderson: Let’s toast to a new year of prosperity, friendship...and love.

[A beat as everyone touches glasses and quaffs their drink. Soon, Anderson and Bill’s kids (Meyers, Mitchell) come running into the room fighting verbally. They are on their knees, as to make them look smaller, and speak in higher-pitched voices.]

Anderson’s Kid: My dad could beat your dad up!

Bill’s Kid: No way! My dad’s way tougher!

Anderson’s Kid: Prove it!

Bill’s Kid: Hey dad...you can beat up Mr. Anderson, can’t you? Tell him!

Bill: Woah, woah...kids. What’s goin’ on here?

Bill’s Kid: He said his dad could beat you up!

Anderson’s Kid: No! He said you could beat my dad up first!

Bill’s Kid: Nuh-uh!

[Anderson steps in to restrain his kid, Bill does the same.]

Anderson: Listen, boys...celebrating the new year is not about fighting, like on TV...it’s about caring and sharing...

Bill’s Kid: You’re just sayin’ that because my dad would win!

Bill: (crouching down to his son’s level) Son, listen...Anderson’s right, ok? Even though me and you both know I could stomp his face into that bottle of champagne over there, that’s not what’s important. What’s important is that we show the people we treasure the most in life how much they mean to us, despite the fact that Anderson’s a real weakling. Now, you kids go and play nice, ok?

Bill’s Kid: Ok, daddy.

[Both kids run off.]

Bill: Now...where were we?

Anderson: Hold on just a minute...what did you say to him?

Bill: Well, I told him how much you guys mean to me, you know, and how we should emphasize that during the new year.

Anderson: No, what was that stuff about you stomping my face, and me being a weakling?

Bill: Oh, I was just, you know, just telling him that so he’d calm down.

Anderson: But now he’s gonna go tell my son that you can beat me up!

Bill: What? Are you sayin’ you could actually beat me up?

Anderson: No! I’m just sayin’ that...that, you know, that’s the wrong message to send to our kids. Besides, if we fought, I’d sodomize your face with my fist!

Anderson’s Wife: Honey!

Anderson: Stay out of this! He called me a weakling!

Bill: So? You...you didn’t even toast my wife!

Bill’s Wife: Bill, that was clearly a mistake!

Anderson: Is that what this is about, huh? Me not toasting your trophy...whore wife? Is that it?

Bill’s Wife: What???

Bill: Not really...it’s more about the fact that I still remember when you sucker-punched your way to victory on the playground in kindergarten...and now...(he unsheathes a kitana blade) I’m about to redeem myself!

Anderson’s Wife: Oh god!

Bill: Get ready for sliced Anderson, honey...we’ll have it for Thanksgiving next year!

Anderson: Sliced Anderson, eh? (rushes into other room, a five second pause) How ‘bout, crisped Bill! (comes out wearing a welder’s uniform...huge, metal mask and all...and carrying a blowtorch, which is lit) We’ll have it for Easter, dear!

Bill: Oh, it’s on, bitch! (both assume fighting positions)

Bill’s Wife: (gets up) Just stop...both of you! (barges into the middle of them) Just stop!!!

[Anderson lifts his mask, Bill lowers his blade.]

Bill’s Wife: Don’t you see what’s happening here? You two have been best friends and business partners forever, and you’re about to end it all over a silly fight between your kids! (a pause as both men begin to appear contrite) Is that what you want to do, huh? Just kill each other after years of friendship and success together?

Anderson: Well...no, I don’t guess.

Bill: Me neither. I’m...I’m sorry I said you were a weakling, Anderson.

Anderson: Well, I’m sorry I called your wife a trophy whore...it’s just that, you know, she’s just so much prettier than my hag of a wife, and I was jealous.

Anderson’s Wife: What???

Bill: Well, it’s all in the past now. We can certainly go on with having a normal, fight-less New Year’s together.

Anderson’s Wife: Give me that sword! (snatches it from Bill’s grasp)

Anderson: Oh, you want some, do ya? (flips his mask on)

Anderson’s Wife: Here it comes!