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Announcer.....Don Pardo Tom Ridge.....Darrell Hammond Announcer: The following is an address by the Director of Homeland Security, Tom Ridge. (Camera fades in on Tom Ridge at the Homeland Security podium) Tom Ridge: Good evening. I would like to first off address the issue of the terror alert. I, Tom Ridge, would like to announce that the terror alert is now on level yellow. Now, I understand that after having the heightened terror alert of “level orange” for the past last month, it is a relieve to have the terror alert ‘dumbed’ down to level orange. Just because the terror alert has been lowered, this doesn’t mean that a terrorist attack can’t or will not occur. Homeland Security is still on alert of terrorism, terrorists and terror. And that is why I am addressing you, this evening. The officials and I at Homeland Security are keeping a keen eye on certain terrorist cells. We at Homeland Security feel the United States government is in a tender state of operation. And the reason for this is…we believe that there are nearly a dozen people who belong to a terrorist group that are trying to get rid of the current President of the United States. The terrorist group that I am speaking of call themselves “The Democrats”. The democrats are a group of terrorist who all believe that have some sort of shot at removing and replacing the current President. Now, if you see any of these “democrats” please alert the United States government, as soon as humanly possible. If you happen see any of the follow Democrats, please do not, I repeat, do not look them in the eye, they are just looking for your vote in November. They are all heavily armed with terrorist opinion and democrat ideals. Joe Lieberman…he’s Jewish! That’s means he’s got a killer instinct! Carol Moseley-Braun…she’s black! And with at said…Trent Lott could have a field day with Carol Moseley Braun as our president. Al Sharpton…he’s a “reverend”, which basically means he's unemployed. John Edwards…he can talk to dead people. Choo! Choo! That is just a preview of the terrorist cell that the Democratic Party has become. There are more democratic terrorists on the loose. Like Hilary Clinton, last seen in a Chappaqua Gun Shop. Al Gore, last seen purchasing a Grateful Dead box set and exactly 2-dime bags of pot from a Mexican drug dealer. Or even Michael Moore, who was last seen purchasing a gay porno magazine in New York City. The Democratic Party is filled with unsavory characters. So, if you see any suspicious individuals, just start rambling about "how great a president Bill Clinton was". If any of these individuals start get really interested in what you are saying, invite them to go back your apartment and call this number flashing below. (SUPER: 1-800-re-pubic) Tom Ridge: That’s 1-800-REPUBIC! (Ridge looks strangely out into space) Tom Ridge: So, America, it’s up to you…save America from another terrorist attack…a terrorist attack on our own homeland. Thank you and good night. (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
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