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.....Jimmy Fallon .....Tina Fey Donald Trump.....Darrell Hammond Steve Irwin.....Jeff Richards .....Horatio Sanz Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey. Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories! On Wednesday, President Bush called for “Immigration Policy Overhaul!” To which every member of government started looking at each other awkwardly and started clapping their hands very slowly. 
Jimmy Fallon: Controversial animal rights group PETA has unveiled a new billboard, featuring a man with enlarged breasts and the caption: "Dude looks like a lady", which alludes to the fact that hormones found in meat products can cause men to develop breasts. Meanwhile, meat producers unveiled a new billboard featuring Dolly Parton with a caption that reads "Got Beef?"
Tina Fey: In an interview this week, Ozzy Osborne says he died twice when he fell off his ATV in England, last month. You know what that means music fans? Another album from Ozzy Osborne coming out this spring! In England last Thursday, a call went out for more research into the possibility that nanotechnology might pose a health risk in the future. While the debate will likely continue for some time, most scientists agree that the threat is very very small. Jimmy Fallon: As many know by now, Britney Spears got married to her childhood friend last weekend and has since gotten the marriage ‘annulled’. Britney says the whole marriage thing was a joke that went too far. Yeah, Britney, just like “Crossroads”! And now here with a brief comment is Donald Trump. Donald Trump: Hello Tina. Hello Jimmy. I’m here tonight to talk about my new reality series on NBC. Do you know why they gave me a reality show, and not someone else like you, Jimmy? It’s because of one word…money! I’ve got a lot of it. Let’s face it, I’m the closest thing to “Daddy Warbucks” that America will ever have. I’m a moneyman. Do you have a clue what my reality series is? A bunch of fresh out of college jobless losers are going to try and get a job out of me. How do you like them apples? The show is called “The Apprentice". So…you maybe saying, okay…so a 20-year-old girl fresh from UCLA is going to try for a job as my own personal bitch? That’s right! Suck on that, America! I am always going to be here. And do you know why? Because, you love to hate me. You can’t do without me. So, in conclusion…watch my reality series, because, you love me, you hate me, and…it’s on NBC! Jimmy Fallon: Donald Trump, everyone! Tina Fey: Steve Irwin, otherwise known as “The Crocodile Hunter”, is under fire for exposing his baby to the danger of a crocodile attack during a show, last week. Ask to comment on this, Michael Jackson said, “Steve, thanks for taking some of the heat off me!” Jimmy Fallon: Actor Harrison Ford and his wife of 20 years, screenwriter Melissa Mathison are now divorced. Asked to comment on this, Ford said, “Divorce, why did it have to be divorce!” Ben Affleck said in an interview this week that his life has become ‘like a car wreck!’ Gee, if that’s so…then I guess if Jennifer Lopez’s life got really bad then her life would become ‘like a SUV wreck!” Tina Fey: It has been reported that the rock band “Hootie & The Blowfish” have endorsed Democratic presidential hopeful John Edwards. Edwards is happy for the endorsement because he really wanted to become president 10 years ago! And now to comment on the controversy, the crocodile hunter himself, Steve Irwin. [Enter Steve Irwin, sitting on chair holding his baby.] Steve Irwin: Thank you Tina. Hi Jimmy. Alright, I just want to say that I'd never put my lovely little baby in a situation I thought was dangerous. Thank you. Tina Fey: Uh...is that all? Steve Irwin: Yes, thanks for your time. Tina Fey: No problem..uh...do you think maybe I could hold the baby. (to camera) Don't get nervous honey. Steve Irwin: Ahhh you Sheilas love the babies...here u go...we must be very very careful (gingerly handing over the baby) We don't want to put the baby in any danger...careful...there. Tina Fey: Awww...wait a minute, this is a chicken? Steve Irwin: (pulls cleaned chicken out of blanket) Aw Crickey! If this is a chicken...what did I feed to the crocs this morning? [Steve Irwin runs off. Jimmy Fallon is laughing.] Tina Fey: What's so funny? Jimmy Fallon: I switched his baby for the chicken when we were in the green room. Tina Fey: What? (shakes her head.) Well...where's the baby now? Jimmy Fallon: Relax, it's with Horatio. Tina Fey: Horatio? Jimmy Fallon: (suddenly panicked, calling) Horatio...Horatio! [Cut to close-up on Horatio's face.] Horatio Sanz: (cracking up) Hey Jimmy! Jimmy Fallon: Horatio...you have the baby right? Horatio Sanz: Oh yeah...I'm not letting this baby out of my site! [Shot widens. There is a hot chick sitting on Horatio Sanz's lap.] Jimmy Fallon: Oh man...where's the baby? The little baby in the blue blanket? Horatio Sanz: Huh? Ohhh that baby. Michael Jackson stopped in and wanted to hold it...They were here a second ago... [Cut back to desk] Jimmy Fallon: Michael Jackson? Oh no! [Jimmy Fallon leaves the desk. Cut to shot of Michael Jackson in audience dangling prop baby over second tier railing.] Michael Jackson: I'm Peter Pan and with this tinkerbell dust you'll be able to fly. [Enter Jimmy Fallon who grabs the baby away. Exit Jimmy Fallon.] Michael Jackson: Hey! [Cut to desk. Jimmy Fallon enters holding baby.] Jimmy Fallon: Phew, that was close. [Steve Irwin enters.] Steve Irwin: Someone stopped me on my way out and said you had my baby. Jimmy Fallon: Yeah relax it's safe. Steve Irwin: Oh thank goodness... Tina Fey: What is going on...are men morons? Is that it? Jimmy Fallon: Don't forget Michael... Tina Fey: Dangling babies, bringing them along to feed the crocs and using them as a practical joke? The three of u ought to be ashamed of yourselves. Steve Irwin/Jimmy Fallon: You're right. [a beat] Jimmy Fallon: (to Steve Irwin) Hey, go long! [Steve Irwin runs out of shot and Jimmy Fallon throws him the baby.] Tina Fey: The Crocodile Hunter ladies and gentlemen... Movie critics this past week reviewed Julia Roberts’ new film “Mona Lisa Smiles” as “a feminist overkill”, as opposed to all of Roberts’ other films! Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon! Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey! Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
