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Keith Johnson/Jack Longshanks.....Will Forte Wendy.....Jennifer Aniston Butch.....Chris Parnell [We open to Keith alone in a motel room] (He picks up the phone and dials) Butch V/O: Hello, you've reached Wiley's, Butch speaking. Keith: Um, my name is Keith Johnson… Butch V/O: Hey, buddy, don't use your real name. It's better for both of us that way. Keith: O.k. my name is Jack…Longshanks. Yeah, I like the sound of that. Butch V/O: And, where are you calling from tonight? Keith: Motel 6, just off highway 81, room #4. Butch V/O: Well, Jack, let me guess, you want a woman with big knockers, who bears a strong resemblance to Courtney Cox? Keith: Yeah, how did you know? Butch V/O: Virgin? Keith: Does a cousin count? Butch V/O: (laughs) She'll be there within the hour. [Clock's hands rotate forward one hour] (There is a knock at the door) Keith: Coming. (He opens the door) Wendy: Hello, Jack, my name is Wendy and I'll be yours for the next little while. Keith: I'd tell you that you're gorgeous but, then, I guess most guys say that? Wendy: Yeah, actually, they do. Keith: So, tell me a little about yourself? Wendy: Listen, I haven't got all night to chat. Do you want to make love or don't you? (He nods his head) Wendy: It's gonna cost you $100, $50 up front and $50 after the deed is done. (He reaches into his wallet and hands her $50) Wendy: Are you ready for this big boy? [Clock's hand rotates forward one minute] Keith: Wow! I don't know what to say? Wendy: How about 'here's the $50,' so I can get out of here? Keith: Coming right up. (He reaches into his wallet) Keith: Um, there's a slight problem. Wendy: What's is it? Keith: I'm all out of cash. Wendy: Are you serious? How come you didn't notice this when I told you my fee? Keith: I guess my mind was elsewhere. Do you accept Visa? (She shakes her head in disbelief) Keith: Master Card? American Express? I could write you a personal cheque. Wendy: You just don't get it, do you? Keith: I've got this Rolex. (He hands her his watch) Wendy: That's a Timex. Keith: Listen, you stay right here and I'll run to the bank machine. Wendy: No can do. You might not come back. Keith: We'll both go together then. Wendy: Sorry, but it's company policy that I refuse to go anywhere with my clients. Kidnapping and murder are fairly common in my line of work, not to mention serial-stalkers every once in a while. Keith: Do you honestly think that I fall into one of those categories? (A pause) Wendy: Quite frankly, yes. Keith: I'm running out of options here. Wendy: Listen, how about you give me your pin number and I'll go get the money myself? Keith: I'm not so sure that's such a good idea. Wendy: I give you my word that I'll return within fifteen minutes. Keith: How do I know I can trust you? Wendy: I promise you that my word is every bit as good as my technique. Keith: Well, when you put it that way… (He hands her the card) Keith: My password is 1234. (She rolls her eyes) Wendy: I'll be back before you know it. [Clock's hands move forward two hours] Keith: I don't believe this. (He picks up the phone and dials) Butch V/O: Hello, Wiley's. Keith: Yeah, my name's Kei…Jack and I called earlier for a woman. Butch V/O: Ah, Mr. Longshanks. What can I do for you? Interested in another piece of meat? Keith: No, actually, I'm calling in regards to Wendy. What she did tonight was inexcusable. Butch V/O: You wouldn't be the first one. Judging from the calls I've been getting lately, you'd think she was one of our rookies instead of a 15-year veteran. Keith: What's that supposed to mean? [Fade out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
