INT. - CLASSROOM

DR. HARVEN (Parnell) is at the front of the class.

KIP (Lachey) and TINA (Simpson) are in desks amongst other students and are dressed as nerds.

Dr. Harven: As you know, the mathematics department here at MIT often enjoys swinging the ol’ clout bat around to bring in speakers from eminent universities across the country to address our students. Today, we are fortunate to have distinguished Harvard geometry professor...

[The students begin to boo. "Harvard sucks!!!" can be heard near the end of the outburst.]

Dr. Harven: Settle down, class. I promise you won’t be disappointed with today’s very special guest lecturer. Now...I would like to introduce...Dr. Maven Gorock! Come on in professor...

[Dr. Gorock (Armisen) enters the room to a smattering of boos.]

Dr. Gorock: Everybody...if you’ll just give me a chance, I’d like to present some information we at Harvard were able to discover about a new geometrical figure.

Tina: Hey, Dr. Geek...we already learned about the triangle in kindergarten!

[Laughs heard around the room.]

Dr. Gorock: Very funny, class...but I’m here to discuss the pendragon.

Kip: The what?

Dr. Gorock: The pendragon...and if everybody will just shut it for a second, I’ll explain.

Tina: Well, hurry up, ok...I got better things to do with my time, like invent new shapes! (very animated) Look everybody, I’m a Harvard professor...I come to talk about the assagon!

[Everybody laughs.]

Dr. Gorock: As I was saying, our faculty have discovered a new geometrical figure, termed the pendragon, and have worked diligently to uncover the many secrets behind its bizarre properties.

[Dr. Gorock draws an oddly-shaped figure on the board, and then draws a line inside the figure.]

Dr. Gorock: (pointing to the line inside the figure) See, the pendragon’s most anomalous property is its negative side.

[Rumblings from the classroom.]

Tina: Geometrical figures can’t have negative sides! Where did you go to school...Stanford?

[Laughs from everyone.]

Dr. Gorock: Excuse me, I attended MIT...just like you guys...

[Everyone quiets down after a couple of "oh’s" are heard. He suddenly earns their respect.]

Dr. Gorock: Now...let me first outline why the pendragon is purported to have a negative side. See, the unique nature of this figure allows it to manifest such an impossibility, presumably because of it’s place of origin...Jupiter.

["Oooh’s" from everyone.]

Dr. Harven: (disbelieving) How do you know it’s from Jupiter?

Dr. Gorock: (sarcastically) Because I’m from Harvard. (smiles) Anyway...so once we discovered the pendragon had a negative side, we began to map out the numerous rules and outcomes of the strange shape, which were quite...uh...strange to say the least.

Dr. Harven: Wait...outcomes? I’m not sure if I’m following...

Dr. Gorock: (condescending) Let’s see if I can bring it down to your level.

[Dr. Harven appears miffed.]

Dr. Gorock: First of all, (using "dumb voice" and miming sign language) to find its per-rim-et-ter, you must add all its sides, after multiplying the negative side by -13 to the 5^th power. I warn you, however, to not calculate the perimeter of the figure I’ve drawn on the board here.

Tina: Wait...I almost got it...

Dr. Gorock: Stop right now! If you do indeed calculate its perimeter, then an alien baby will be born...and sacrificed! Also, the Spice Girls might get back together.

["Oooh’s" and "Ahhh’s" throughout the classroom.]

Dr. Harven: (skeptically) So these are the outcomes you spoke of...

Dr. Gorock: Exactly. Now to find the pendragonal area, you must multiply its base and height, and then divide that number by 1/7, then add its width and length and its negative side. Also, all numerals must be drawn or represented as inverted, or upside down, if the answer is to be absolutely accurate. But again, I warn you not to do such a thing...because if you do, an earthquake on the Jupiter moon Io will occur, which could have serious repercussions for the entire balance of our solar system.

[A beat as everyone appears shocked.]

Dr. Gorock: Or some people in Brazil may become impotent...I’m not sure, though.

Dr. Harven: Excuse me doc...where did you get this information?

Dr. Gorock: I don’t know if your brain can understand this, Dr. Harven...but at Harvard, we have nanotechnology.

Dr. Harven: Well, MIT’s nanoscience department recently received a 50 million dollar grant from the United States Army to develop nanotechnology for the protection of soldiers, so I think we all know a little about nanoscience, Dr. Gorock.

Dr. Gorock: Well, obviously you warmongers here at MIT don’t know how to apply it to space geometry, so I’ll pretend you’re not speaking, and continue on.

Dr. Harven: Space geometry?

Dr. Gorock: (ignoring him) Anyway...I also wanted to discuss the pendragon’s relations to other, simpler geometric shapes. For example, if a circle is tangent to the pendragon, it will open up its negative side and eat that circle.

[A round of "oooh’s" and "ahhh’s" are heard.]

Dr. Gorock: Now, after the circle is digested and summarily pooped out, a descendent of JFK’s will be nixed.

[Some "oh my god’s" and such fill the room.]

Dr. Gorock: The teeth of the pendragon (begins drawing another oddly-shaped figure, but has "opened" its negative side and added in teeth) are all isosceles triangles, and if one attempts to multiply the areas of a pendragon and its isosceles teeth, and then adds pi, the earth will reverse its current revolution, and the solar system will be thrown into a black hole...or the alien god of Pendragon will appear...one of the two.

Dr. Harven: Dr. Gorock, this is all ludicrous! There’s no way to prove that!

Dr. Gorock: Oh, really?

[Dr. Gorock begins scribbling furiously on a piece of paper. The other students appear nervous. When he’s finished, a loud sound is heard and a large puff of smoke is seen. When it clears, a large, orange, pendragon-shaped entity (Forte, in costume w/ face painted orange and poking out at the top) is standing in front of the class.]

The Pendragon: (speaking in a deep, ominous voice) Ha ha ha! You have summoned the terribly magnificent pendragon god! I will now make you all my slaves!

Tina: (fearfully) Where’s Dr. Gorock?

The Pendragon: Silence, fool! I have eaten his soul and inhabited his body!

Dr. Harven: (scientifically) Wait a minute, you didn’t really inhabit his body. I mean, you look nothing like him.

The Pendragon: What? You insult me with such trivial matters? I will break all the desks in this room over my legs!

Tina: What legs?

Dr. Harven: Yeah. Where are these legs you speak of?

The Pendragon: (looking down and around) Why...they are around here somewhere...

Kip: Even if you had your so-called legs, we don’t care about these desks. I mean, they’re desks!

The Pendragon: Uh...well...so, so I will do other evil things then, like...like...

Kip: Like what...make us go to Harvard for a semester?

[Everyone laughs.]

The Pendragon: (voice beings to crackle) Shut up all of you! Just shut up!

Dr. Harven: I’ve had enough of this. C’mon everybody, I don’t care if this thing is a god or not...let’s kick its ass!

[Everyone gets up and begins wrestling and kicking the figure to the floor.]

The Pendragon: (sounds as if he’s crying) Stop! Please! God help me!

Dr. Harven: (while kicking) Take that, Harvard trash!