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Jim: Roommate #1.....Jimmy Fallon Tony: Roommate #2.....Horatio Sanz Rudy: Tony's brother.....Will Forte Fade in: {Scene opens in the living room of a poorly decorated apartment shared by 2 twenty something white males in a suburban area} Jim: (Enters apartment limping) Sup Tone, guess you've been wondering where I've been for the last 3 days. Tony: Yea dude, I thought maybe you hooked up the other night or something, but I wasn't sure. I was gonna text you later to see where you been. Why you limpin' so much bro'? Rudy: Yea J, you OK dude? Jim: Naah bro, I got hit by a car while crossin' the street by the park the other day !!! Tony & Rudy: (simultaneously) No F'in way bro…!!! Is your leg broke? Jim: If by broke you mean amputated, then yes. Tony & Rudy: (Simultaneously) Dude no F'in way bro!!! {Jim stands there nodding his head in confirmation, as Rudy stands motionless with a shocked look on his face. Tony seems perplexed and at a loss for words} Jim: I know it sounds pretty messed up and all but at least one good thing happened. (Jim reaches into his pocket and pulls out a huge bottle of Perkiset pain killers) Jim: We're gonna be sittin' pretty with these Perks Brot-ahhhhs. Tony: (Excited) This is so friggin' sweet dude. (He turns towards Jim and the 2 give each other a fist bump) Tony: How many refills do we get? Rudy: (interrupting) Whoa whoa whoa..(3 beats) Whoa. You two are nuts!!! Jimmy loses his leg…his friggin' leg, and all you 2 can think of are the drugs he got… Jim: Calm down Rud, it's just a leg, they gave me this cool prosthetic one (Jim knocks on his fake leg which makes a hollow sound) Jim: I mean what's done is done, right Tony Tone(Tony and Jim give each other another motivated fist bump) Tony: (Excited) Now let's do these things Jimbo (Tony grabs the bottle of pills from Jim and proceeds to open them up. He then notices that the bottle says NO REFILLS on the front) Tony: (Dejected) Please tell me that you can get more of these Jim. It would really stink if we got addicted to Perkiset again and had only one bottle.. Please Jimbo, don't do this to me Rudy: (Angrily) This is so sad to see you two dope fiends act this way…THE GUY JUST LOST HIS MOTHER LOVIN" LEG, THIS IS NO TIME FOR DRUG ABUSE FOR EITHER OF YOU!!! Jim: (Matter of Factly) Whatever dude, we can sit here and argue, or we can find a way for us to get more pills. I say we find a way to get more, so that we can take them, and they will get us high, and we won't run out as soon. Now who's with me? Tony: (Raising his hand & stuttering)I..yes…me…yes….that's what I say we do as well. Rudy: (Condescending) Okay brain-iacs, why don't you just cut off one of Tony's legs, then you can get a whole 'nother bottle…(Beat)You guys amaze me. {Jim and Tony look at each other in amazement, the absurd suggestion seems to be the answer to their problems. They give each other an emphatic high five and appear to be filled with jubilance} Jim & Tony: (Simultaneously) Hell F'in yea Bro!!! Jim: Ok, now I know a little about this so let me think here. How about we don't actually chop it off, rather we sort of slowly erode it off. I know it sounds crazy but it will be a lot less messy. Tony: Plus I'll be so hopped up on pain killers that I'll hardly know what's goin' on. Rudy: (Shaking his head) You're not serious.. {Rudy looks at the duo and sees the blank stares of utter jubilation mixed with complete ignorance on their faces. He now knows his worst fears are true} Rudy: (In realization) You're serious… Jim: Dude, I got it Tone-ster, listen up. We take battery acid and smear it all over your leg, that stuff will eat through anything!!! Before you know it you'll be minus a leg, and we'll be plus some pills BABY… Tony: (Determined) Bring me the batteries!!! Rudy: Yea right, a battery in this house. There has not been a battery in this house for years, you guys have been changing the channel on the TV with that straightened out wire hanger forever. Jim: (Nervously) That's OK dude…it's alright…c'mon Jimmy think, think think think think think… {Jim & Tony appear to be deep in thought when all of the sudden the two appear to be enlightened again. They both look at each other again filled with jubilance) Jim & Tony: (Simultaneously) Fire ants!!! Tony: I just saw some outside the other day, you stay here J, I'll go get em'. {Tony grabs an empty coffee can and heads outside with a purpose. Jim and Rudy remain in the apartment in an awkward silence, Rudy is peering directly at Jim and shaking his head in disgust. Jim is trying hard to not make eye contact with Rudy, and is focusing his vision towards the TV(which is off). Tony returns moments later with a coffee can filled with dirt and ants, which are starting to crawl on his arm. He takes off his pants thereby exposing his legs. He proceeds to take 3 Perkiset pills to help with the anticipated pain}. Tony: (Pours the ants all over the top of his left leg) OK Jim let's get this party started, now get these babies to work. {Tony & Jim have a triumphant look on their face as Rudy stands close by rolling his eyes in disbelief) Tony: Ok I don't really feel anything happening here, maybe we have to get them mad or something Jim: Ya think? Ahhh how do you piss off fire ants? Rudy: Well first you have to GET Fire ants you nimrods…and those are not fire ants.. Jim: Not fire ants!!! Rudy: No sir, those are just run of the mill ants..Piss em off all you want!!! Do you two retards realize that you can get Perkiset for just about anything. Tony: What do ya mean dude? Rudy: I mean you don't have to lose a friggin leg!!! I got some Perks just last year when I messed my back up at work. {Jim and Tony look at each other yet again in amazement with this revelation, they turn and look at each other} Jim & Tony: (simultaneously) Let's lift heavy objects with improper technique by using our back instead of our legs!!! Fade out… Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
