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Rita.....Jessica Simpson Ron.....Chris Parnell Jeremy.....Nick Lachey [Scene: White sandy barren deserted Island with a single palm tree in the center and a small volcano to the right. Rita (Simpson) and Ron (Parnell) sit on the sand in tattered clothes.] Rita: I'm so bored. Ron: You could always blow on the conch. (Passes her a pink conch shell) Rita: I suppose. (Blows hard on the conch) Great, it's not working again. Ron: Here let me get that ... it's full of gunk again. Those little sea critters are always getting in there at night. (A white gritty sand/water type mixture falls out of the conch) There we go, all clean. Try it now. Rita: You know what, just forget it. I'm sick of the conch, I'm sick of the sand...I'm sick of this whole island! Ugh, I'm bored out of my mind. I would do anything just for a bit of excitement! Ron: (A thoughtful _expression-he scoots closer) Hey I know what you're going through I'm stuck on the island too. But...(reaching to massage her back) the companies good. Rita: (coldly) Whatever. Ron: Uh.. It's just a suggestion, but you know what might help alleviate the boredom... Rita: No! Ron: Aw c'mon Rita, we've been stuck on this island for two years and have never had sex. Rita: I told you I'm waiting until I'm married. Ron: You have to face facts, we might never get off this island and I don't want to spend the rest of my life not getting off! Rita: I'm sorry Ron I can't change what I believe. Ron: Please. (softly, turning away)I'm so tired of using the conch. Rita: Ewwww! I'm always blowing in that. Ron: I know...I'm, I'm so ashamed. Rita: Look, what you need is something to take your mind off sex. Let me show you what I do when I feel the urge. Ron: You have urges? Rita: Of course, I am a normal healthy woman. Ron: A hot sexy normal healthy woman that I want to... Rita: It's not gonna happen, Ron. Anyways, you see that pile of rocks over there? Ron: What, the volcano? (They get up and walk over to the base of the rock pile and look upwards.) Rita: That's not a volcano, that's my hobby...for when I start thinking of Brad Pitt or Colin Ferrell or any member of any boyband post 1997...anyways, whenever I get hot and bothered I add to the rock pile. I get a rock and I gently place it and carress it into where it feels right, or spank it and smash it into submission! Ron: Well, I'm somewhat relieved, that explains a lot. I could have sworn I heard it rumbling before... Rita: That was probably me. I made an opening in it and sometimes I just walk into the middle of the rock pile and yell...and yell...and yell. Anyways, I figure if we stay on this island for another few years and keep adding rocks eventually the pile will become visible from really far away and, who knows, maybe we'll get rescued. Ron: Rita, far be it from me to suppress the expression of your womanly impulses, but if we were gonna get rescued it would have happened by now. The rock pile is a waste of time, I however, am not. Please, please Rita...look I'm not asking you to just have sex with me, at least not directly. I'm asking you...(gets on one knee) will you marry me? Please? Rita: Okay. Ron: What? Oh my gosh! I'm so happy. I don't know what to say. You don't know what this means to me. [They walk hand in hand over to the palm tree now dressed like a priest] Ron: (wipes a tear from his eye) I've waited my whole life for this. I do. Rita: What? Ron, it's a tree, it can't... Ron: (finger to her lips) Don't ruin the moment. Rita: (uncertainly looking around) I... Ron: C'mon...just say I do... Rita: I...I think I see something. Something is washing up on shore. Ron: It's probably nothing, just a turtle! C'mon baby, that shell can't love you like I can. Rita: No, I've got to see... (walks off stage and returns supporting Jeremy (Lachey)) Rita: Look Ron, it's a man. Ron: I'm not a man? Say I do, and I can be a man! Nick: Oh no... Rita: What? What is it? Nick: I...I didn't survive. Rita: What do u mean? You're alive, you're with me. Nick: Oh. I thought you were an angel. Ron: (to the Heavens) You are kiddin' me! Rita: (Rubbng his arm) Your arm, poor baby, you've got a bruise...(kisses it better) I think you should know something very important about who I am. It's something I can't change, and I don't want to start...whatever I feel starting between us to start on a lie. Ron: Oh that's right pretty boy! Wait until you hear this doozy. Rita: This is a deserted island and... this is really hard to say...but...I don't have any underwear on. Jeremy: Me neither. I think it's important in a relationship to be both honest and free, and baby if I'm going to be on a deserted island I'm glad it's with another person who's honest and free. [Jeremy and Rita start kissing and lay down on the beach.] Ron: (full screen shot on Ron) Oh great. Just great [Aggravated Chris picks up a rock and looks at the mountain, he throws it with a scream into the ocean and then looks at the conch. He fidgets with it, glances of stage at Jeremy and Rita several times until finally he looks at them, eyebrows raise. He looks down at the conch creepily.] [Fade out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
