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Jack Miller.....Chris Parnell Perry Comb.....Seth Meyers Harry Glimmer.....Darrell Hammond INT. – NEWS DESK MILLER (Parnell) and COMB (Meyers) sit at news desk. Music plays. Miller: I’m Jack Miller, to my left is Perry Comb… [Cut to Comb smiling. Camera cuts back and forth to each as they speak.] Miller: And this is White People Today. Later in the show, Harry Glimmer will drop by for his segment, How Are We Doing, but first... [Graphic appears above his shoulder and features an upward arrow and the words “DOW” and “NASDAQ”.] Miller: Recent increases in the value of both the DOW and NASDAQ have jumpstarted trading…and possibly the economy. Perry…is this good for White people? Comb: Yes, Jack. Miller: On the other hand… [Graphic appears above his shoulder and features a large cow with the words above it stating, “Mad Cow Madness.”] Miller: Analysts believe the discovery of mad cow in Washington state last month could spark inflation in the U.S. economy similar to that seen throughout Europe during their outbreak three years ago. Now, that’s gotta be bad for White people…right, Perry? Comb: Yes, Jack…very much so. Miller: Europe also experienced proliferation of the aptly-named foot-and-mouth disease during that period… Comb: Also bad for White people. Miller: Surely. [A beat.] Miller: Now, on to some better news…I think. [Graphic of Iraq and the words “Possible Chemical Weapons Found in Iraq; Meanwhile, More Soldiers Dead” appears above his shoulder.] Miller: Last weekend, Danish soldiers found several mortar rounds thought to be filled with blister gas buried in southern Iraq. However, U.S. troops continue to die in skirmishes with rogue terrorist groups. Perry…good or bad for White people? Comb: Well, it’s hard to say. The discovery of chemical weapons in Iraq would definitely be good for the Bush administration and its supporters, which is comprised of 99% to 100% White people. However, I’m not familiar with the ethnicity of the soldiers that died, so… Miller: We’ll come back to you on that one… [A beat.] Miller: But first…let’s go to Harry Glimmer for How Are We Doing Today. Harry…how are we doing? [Cut to Harry Glimmer (Hammond) at separate desk.] Glimmer: (excitedly, quickly) How are we doing??? Pretty good…sorta. In sports, White people have yet to take over basketball in the new millennium, as was predicted on this show in May of 1999, but we still got a stronghold in hockey and competitive eating...but barely. In crime, Whites are still prominent in the serial killer and crazy, pooping rapist realms, but unfortunately, Blacks and Hispanics are not far behind. We’re losin’ ground, people…step up to the plate!!! In penis, drugs like Enzyte, Levitra, and the ever-popular Viagra have us way ahead of the Asians, nipping at the heels of the Hispanics, but still a few thousand miles from Blacks…literally, if you consider aggregate length. That’s it, Jack…oh and uh, the Asians still dominate in math. Back to you…oh wait…those, uh, those weren’t chemical weapons in Iraq…turns out they were just regular ol’ mortar rounds. Sorry, guys. Miller: Dammit! Well, that’s it for this week’s show. Next week, we’ll discuss the economy, Iraq, sports, crime, penis, and math…and mortar rounds. For Perry Comb, I’m Jack Miller saying, toodles! [Music begins.] Miller: (to Comb) Any word on the ethnicities of those soldiers? Comb: Uh, no… [Both look confused at each other’s words as the screen fades to black.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
