|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Mary.....Rachel Dratch (overweight customer) Ellen.....Amy Poehler (weight loss center employee) (Scene opens in a weight loss center located in a suburban strip mall) Mary: Hello, I saw your ad on television and am interested in learning more about how you can help me lose weight. Ellen: Great, well let me be the first to congratulate you on choosing “ Fatty Fine weight loss systems” I’m Ellen, what’s your name? Mary: I’m Mary, now what is it that makes Fatty Fine different from all the rest out there? Ellen: Well Mary, comparing us to all the others is like comparing a stagecoach to a brand new limousine. We here at Fatty Fine guarantee you will lose weight, or you’ll lose a lot more. Mary: OK but how exactly do you do it, is this one of those places that sells you prepared meals for each week? Ellen: We could care less what you eat really, just as long as you lose weight each and every time you weigh in. Mary: Ahhh well then I guess you must implement a pretty strenuous exercise program to get results every week. Ellen: Mary, we don’t know a gosh darn thing about fitness, we use a method that works and it’s right in your wallet Mary. Mary: Oh great I knew it, you’re gonna try and sell me some crazy weight loss drugs that will probably wind up killing me in a few years. Forget this, I still have oily discharge and night sweats from Phen Phen. Ellen: Mary we won’t sell you a thing, there is nothing to buy ever, and as long as you keep losing weight you won’t pay a dime. Mary: This is not adding up, you don’t care what I eat, or if I exercise and you’re not selling me anything!!! Ellen: Ok Mary what’s our name? Mary: Fatty Fine why? Ellen: Right, now lose weight Fatty or we will fine you. Mary: What, you’ll do what? Ellen: We will fine you Fatty, fine you $10,000 for each pound you gain from your last weigh in. Mary: Well I certainly don’t like being called fatty, but what did I expect going into a place called Fatty Fine. Ya know as crazy as this sounds, it might actually work, this might be the only way to get fat people to lose weight. Ellen: Right, I mean who in their right mind would gain a pound with 10 G’s on the line, it’s a sure bet Mary now lets sign the papers. (Excited with the idea of sure weight loss Mary signs the agreement without delay) Mary: I have no idea how you guys can make any money off this, have any fatties been fined yet? Ellen: Not yet Mary, now get on the scale for your weigh in to make this official (Mary steps right up onto the scale with a smile on her face) Ellen: Shoes of Fatty Mary: Ok my name is Mary Ellen: No, your name is Fatty, now get those shoes of those fat feet Fatty. Mary: Yea whatever, I guess I can take a little verbal abuse on the road to weight loss Ellen: Ok Fatty, you weigh 246 lbs. Now let’s hope for your wallets sake that you weigh less next week. (Mary sticks to her diet religiously throughout the week and arrives back at the center for her next weigh in) Mary: Hi Ellen it’s me Mar….uh I mean Fatty, I’m here for my weekly weigh in Ellen: OK now please relinquish your wallet before you weigh in, we’ve had some people make the dash after gaining before. Mary: Here you go, I don’t think that will matter since I know I’ve lost weight. Ellen: Not bad Fatty, you lost 6 pounds this week lucky you Mary: And I have Fatty Fine to thank… (The weeks go by and Mary is losing weight every weigh in, she is approaching her target weight of 140 and can’t wait to begin this week weigh in.) Mary: Ok Ellen, that scale say 140 does it not? Ellen: Sure does Fatty Mary: Ha, you can’t call me fatty anymore, I’ve reached my target weight so thanks for the motivation but your services will no longer be needed. Ellen: Well Fatty, the contract says you must loose weight at every required weekly weigh in so I’ll see you next week Mary: No you won’t, I’m done here Ellen: You’re never done here Fatty, so I’ll see you next week (Mary all of the sudden realizes the horrible truth, she must lose weight forever no matter how thin she gets. She continues with her weight loss program and is able to lose weight for a while longer. Then one day she enters the weight loss center looking sickly and far too skinny for someone her height.) Ellen: Hey Fatty, relinquish the wallet and jump up on the scale, I’ve got a feeling that you might finally owe us some money. Mary: (sickly) Yea, this is how you finally make your money you scoundrels, after I get too skinny to possibly lose another pound. Well let’s get this over with Ellen: Well Fatty it looks like you have finally paid off for us, you gained .002 lbs so pay up. Mary: I thought it was $10,000 a pound, does that amount get pro-rated since it’s much less? Ellen: No Fatty, it’s anything up to a pound actually, here read over your contract again Mary: Oh I believe you, I can’t see very good now anyway (All of the sudden numerous clanking sounds are heard from the floor, the 2 look down and notice that most of Mary’s teeth have just fell out due to her extreme malnutrition) Mary: (Laughing) Well well, if those teeth weighed more than .002 lbs then I guess I don’t owe you a thing do I Ellen: Ya got me there, and actually they weighed .16 pounds all together so you’re in the clear this week. Mary: Oh goody, ya know I really should have thought this through before I signed up (Mary scoops up her teeth and gingerly walks out of the center, trying not to bump into anything due to her limited eye sight. Ellen watches Mary intently as she is leaving) Ellen: (to herself) Fine fatty, it’s just a matter of time..ha ha ha ha hahaaaaaaaaaa…. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
