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Mr. Lamour.....Chris Parnell Mrs. Lamour.....Megan Mullally Ms. Wannahoochie.....Maya Rudolph Official Timekeeper.....Seth Meyers Pedro.....Fred Armisen Monk1.....Finesse Mitchell Monk2.....Kenan Thompson Monk3.....Jimmy Fallon Monk4.....Will Forte [Scene: A talk show type setup. There are two chairs on the left with a couch back a bit in the middle and a chair up more on the right.] Mr. Lamour: Hello and welcome to Hour Lamour, the show where me and my wife Cindy try and make our lives and yours just a little bit better each day. Mrs. Lamour: Yes indeed, because a little each day adds up to a lot over time. (to Mr. Lamour)Just like your hair loss, dear. Mr. Lamour: Ha ha and a lot like your ass snookums. In case you missed last week's show I came to terms with my flawed genetic heritage and Cindy faced down her weight demons. And now we couldn't be happier. [strained loving pause.] Mr. Lamour: And hey, speaking of your ass we have a huge show planned for today. Mrs. Lamour: Uh, yes dear we do. We're calling this episode Quiet Awakenings. Mr. Lamour: Well, that's where your butt differs from the show. Last night in bed I was treated to a 'loud awakening' if you know what I mean. (holds nose) No more chili for you before bedtime. Mrs. Lamour: Oh dear, ha ha ha. (trying to hold a smile, kind of an aside to Mr. Lamour) Could you get off my ass honey? Mr. Lamour: Not without a compass and a map. Mrs. Lamour: Alright, well moving on... beside us on the couch here we have three monks from Tibet. Hello gentlemen. [Shot angle changes to show the monks, who are all bald, sitting on the couch. The three monks nod their heads.] Mrs. Lamour: At some point during this very broadcast these fine gentlemen will have set a world record. Yes it's taken them fifteen years but very soon they will have set the record for the longest amount of time that a monk named Gary, who lives in Tibet, has gone without speaking. And you guessed it, they're all named Gary so they'll be sharing the honor. It's amazing, they've spent fifteen years together without speaking and still remain the best of friends. And we'll find out how they did it a little later. Mr. Lamour: Yes, but first let's bring out our first guest. She's a handwriting expert from Honolulu Hawaii here to tell us how we can change our lives through the written word: Ms. Polly Wannahoochie. [Enter Ms. Wannahoochie. She sits in the chair on the right which is significantly closer to the front of the set than the monks.] Mrs. Lamour: Welcome to the show. Wannahoochie, is that Hawaiian? Ms. Wannahoochie: Kind of. My last name used to be Hussein but what with the war and all I decided to change it. I did want it to sound Hawaiianish though. Mr. Lamour: Polly Wannahoochie...I like it. So tell us, how can we use our handwriting to become better people? Ms. Wannahoochie: Well, first off what I'd like to do is analyze your handwriting. So if u'll just sign your name on the chalk board... [Monks get up and pull a 4' x 3' chalk board up from behind the couch and hold it up.] Mrs. Lamour: Wow, they're so helpful. It's a good thing too because my beloved here isn't that good at keeping things up. Mr. Lamour: Hey, my snookums signs her name with a big fat A...what do you suppose that means? (mumbling while writing Jeremy Lamour) Too many damn entrees is what it means... Ms. Wannahoochie: We'll get to your wife later but for now I'd like to explain what I'll be looking for. (Ms. Wannahoochie begins talking into the camera, ignoring Mrs. Lamour, but the shot stays wide) You see, you can tell a lot about a man from his writing. Tight writing might be a sign of stress or even impotence. Big oversized L's can be a sign of a drinking problem or maybe gay tendencies. Also... [Mr. Lamour notices his tight writing and his oversized L and stops writing. He erases what he's written quickly.] Ms. Wannahoochie: There is a case in Florida where a man was embezzling company funds and was found out just by the way he made his e's. The art of handwriting analysis is amazing. [Mr. Lamour motions to his wife to come over once he hears 'embezzling company funds'. Mr. Lamour gives her the chalk and she begins to sign Cindy but he then corrects her and she writes 'Jeremy Lamour'. Their actions are all done whisper quiet so they don't attract the attention of Ms. Wannahoochie.] Ms. Wannahoochie: From Mr. Lamour's signature I'll be able to tell a lot more about Mr. Lamour than any of you know and I might even be able to teach him a little something about himself too. (turning around) Alright, well are we done then? Mr. Lamour: Absolutely, what do you think Ms. Wannhoochie? Ms. Wannahoochie: Well...I hope I'm not embarrassing Mrs. Lamour but from your signature I can tell you are a man that is being totally satisfied both sexually and emotionally. Wow. But at the same time I do notice that you're harboring a lot of guilt. Mr. Lamour: It's probably because of all the bal...fat jokes which I regret. Ms. Wannahoochie: Now Mrs. Lamour would you like to sign your name? And the handwriting better not be the same otherwise (scoldingly but in a joking manner) I'll know someone cheated and they'll have to take the test again. Mr. Lamour: Ha ha. (stops wife from writing) Why don't we get someone else to sign their name. Pedro come here. Our assistant Pedro loves this sort of thing. [Enter Pedro.] Pedro: Si. Que pasa? Mr. Lamour: Sign your name. Sign-oh your name-oh. [Pedro shrugs and signs his name.] Ms. Wannahoochie: This is interesting. From his signature I see that he too is being totally satisfied sexually and emotionally. Wow, two for two. Strangely enough though, he is also harboring a lot of guilt. You're not having an affair with Pedro are you Mr. Lamour. Ha ha ha. [Ms. Wannahoochie sits down in her chair and begins to talk at the camera again.] Ms. Wannahoochie: Okay, well while most people look to handwriting to determine mood and character, my philosophy, which is the subject of my book 'Buy My Book, Be Happy', is that by altering our handwriting we can actually change our lives. [Meanwhile in the back there is a stand off with Mrs. Lamour and Pedro on one side and Mr. Lamour on the other side with the three monks holding the chalk board and watching the situation unfold in the middle. Everything done in the background happens totally quietly.] Ms. Wannahoochie: Handwriting can be analyzed to determine emotional state, mental state and mood so it makes sense that if you write in a way associated with a particular emotional state, mental state or mood you will force yourself to be in that emotional state, mental state and mood. [Mr. Lamour points at Mrs. Lamour and Pedro accusingly. He pulls out a gun and puts on a silencer.] Ms. Wannahoochie: Are you dull and very controlled but want to be passionate and impulsive? Well stop crossing those t's so high baby. [Pedro steps in front of Mrs. Lamour and Mr. Lamour shoots him. Pedro falls to the ground and Mrs. Lamour let's out a silent scream.] Ms. Wannahoochie: Start crossing them right near the middle. It'll feel weird at first but once you start it will change your life. And it works both ways. It's all about the handwriting. [Mrs. Lamour falls to Pedro's side as Mr. Lamour drops the gun and turns. Mrs. Lamour picks up the gun and shoots Mr. Lamour as he turns around to say, "What have I done?" Mr. Lamour falls and Mrs. Lamour flees.] Ms. Wannahoochie: Yes, my belief is that handwriting not only conveys your mood, feelings and aspirations but it also dictates them. If it didn't, then handwriting analysis would just be a bunch of baloney in my well educated opinion. Hey I'm an expert and if you can't believe an expert who can you believe. [The 3 monks drop the chalkboard and look at what has happened. They communicate via hand signals but don't talk.] Ms. Wannahoochie: And best of all, It doesn't take much to learn either. Just 5 seconds a day and you can be on your way to a new life. [Monk1 takes a cell phone out of Mr. Lamour's pocket and dials 911 and then hands it to Monk2. Monk2 gives Monk1 a dirty look and hands it to Monk3. They begin to pass the cell phone around like a hot potato.] Ms. Wannahoochie: Well, let me put an asterisk beside that 5 seconds a day. That's provided you've already read my first book (holding book up) 'Buy my book, Read Fast'. Oh and also, if you're one of the first one thousand to buy my book, 'Buy my book, Be Happy', you'll get this free companion booklet 'Buy my book, get this booklet.', a booklet that outlines what fonts are used by rich and powerful and explains how changing your font can make you a success in the computer age. You think Donald Trump uses Times New Roman? Think again. [People arrive to help Pedro and Mr. Lamour and monks try and explain through a reinactment but end up getting pushed away. They step forward next to Ms. Wannahoochie.] Ms. Wannahoochie: Well, I wanted to thank Mr. and Mrs. Lamour for having me on their show but I guess they've left. Oh well, I guess that's all for today... Monk1: No wait! Monk2: We've almost beaten the record for being quiet. Monk3: Yeah, we've waited fifteen years for this! [Enter Officialtimekeeper with a stopwatch and Monk4.] Official Timekeeper: Ohhh I'm sorry. You finished fifteen seconds shy of the record. Hmmm..that's somewhat ironic isn't it. Monk1, Monk2, Monk3: Dammit! Official Timekeeper: Looks like you're still the king Gary. Monk4: YES! Ha ha, I'll see you losers back at the monastery. [Exit Official Timekeeper and Monk4.] Monk2: I knew we should have gone on Oprah. (to Monk1)But nooo we didn't because someone said (imitative and mockingly)'I don't like Oprah, she's too preachy.'. [Monk2 and Monk3 wave there hands at Monk1 in disgust and walk off angry.] Monk1: (walking offscreen) Aw c'mon guys, it's not my fault, that was fifteen years ago when I said that. [Ms. Wannahoochie is left alone standing in front of camera smiling and holding all her books.] [Fade out.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
