[Scene begins in a nondescript conference room with a large round table. The Dean of Transportation (Parnell) is addressing those whom are seated. Barry (Armisen) and Larry (Forte) are dressed in nice suits and sitting in their chairs appearing supremely satisfied. The Chancellor (Hammond) and the Director of Parking (Mullally) are also dressed nicely and listen attentively.]

Dean of Transportation: Before we begin, I’d first like to congratulate these two men (motions to Barry and Larry) for coming through big time in the clutch. A year ago to this exact date, we presented them with a problem...a parking problem...that has been the proverbial monkey on this department’s back for years. However now, only a year later, lack of parking on our campus is no longer an issue. They were able to find spaces where no one thought they existed, and I think I speak for the students, faculty, staff, and all those affiliated with the university when I say...thanks, guys!

[A round of assorted claps is heard, as the director takes a seat and Barry and Larry stand.]

Barry: Ok...so I bet you all are thinkin’..."problem solved"...right? You’re thinkin’..."Why are we here? Haven’t these guys got everything worked out?" Well...I got news for ya...everything is not worked out...

Larry: Everything is not fine!

Barry: Not yet...at least. First of all, chancellor...what happens when all the little students come back from holiday break and rush on campus to get to their classes? Are they supposed to just park anywhere?

Chancellor: Well...yeah, right?

Barry: Chancellor, if I may be frank...that’s a stupid idea.

Larry: A stupid...stupid idea.

Chancellor: (taken aback) Uh...well, what do you suggest?

Barry: (almost mocking him) What we suggest...is you let us color-code the parking spaces. That way, students can buy tags that more closely resemble them...er...their parking habits, like, so they have spots near the facilities they frequent the most.

Chancellor: (a beat as he thinks about it) That...sounds great. What do you think, director?

Director of Parking: Well, what’s wrong with having people park anywhere they want?

Barry: (almost sarcastically) We figured you’d ask a question like that...

Larry: We did...

Barry: And I think the answer lies within the plan itself. Larry...show ‘em the map.

[Both Barry and Larry stand, and Larry walks over to a board, which is facing the table. He lifts the cover to reveal a map of the campus. Barry walks over and begins his explanation.]

Barry: First off, what you see here (pointing to the map) are the white parking spaces. The business building, law school, and med school are surrounded by these. Because of the nature of students who will be buying white parking tags, you could make these the most expensive.

Director: Wait a minute...what makes the white parking tags more expensive?

Barry: It’s simple...

Larry: Painfully simple...

Barry: See, these students are your future big-time money-makers, right? They’re your MD’s, lawyers, and CEO’s in five to ten years...why not charge more for these highly coveted spots?

Dean: (a beat as he looks around for corroboration) Works for me.

Larry: Of course it does!

Barry: Now...following from the white parking spaces are the yellow spaces. These are located around the math and science buildings, the computer science building, and follow all the way to the international student center and the driver’s education annex...basically all those places you’d expect your typical yellow-colored parker to be found.

Director: Wait just a second...yellow-colored parker? What does that mean?

Barry: Director, we would prefer answer questions after the presentation is finished.

Larry: After...not before...

Director: Uh...sorry...

Barry: Now...the west side of campus was a little harder to work with, because of it’s general degradation and overall squalor...

Chancellor: (interrupting) Uh...we’re working on that. We’re planning on renovating many of the buildings over there. The idea is to have them in accordance with all city and state building safety codes by 2005.

Larry: (almost sarcastically) Sure chancellor...(puts his hand on the chancellor’s shoulder)

Barry: Anyway...the spaces in the northwest section of campus have been coded as brown. This includes those around the agriculture building, which houses the migrant worker and immigrant landscaping programs...

Director: (interrupting) Our university has migrant worker and, uh... immigrant landscaping programs?

Larry: It does!

Director: (looking around for someone to dissent with her) Oh, uh...go ahead.

Barry: (sarcastically) Thanks, director! Now what follows from the brown spaces are the black spaces. They are located near the rape prevention center and school jail...and the African and urban studies buildings, the basketball courts, the dance hall...

Director: Hold on...school jail? We don’t have a school jail!

Larry: Then what, pray tell, do you call this? (points to the map)

[A close-up of a the map reveals he is pointing to a drawing of a dark figure behind bars.]

Director: Well...it looks like a black man behind bars...but...

Barry: (interrupting) Exactly...so that’s the school jail.

Director: Oh, come on! You obviously just drew that in! (standing and pointing at the map) And...what is this? What’s this big...plant thing next to the jail?

Barry: Oh...that’s the cotton-picking museum.

Director: What???

Larry: Every school has one!

Director: No they don’t...and neither do we! Listen, these colors obviously represent ethnic stereotypes! I mean, you got the yellow tags by the math building because Asians are...good at math, and the brown tags by the landscaping and...uh...migrant worker studies or whatever...not that they even exist! And you got the black tags by a cotton-picking museum and a...a jail!

Barry: Ma’am, I have no idea what you’re talking about. Any matching of colors to racial stereotypes is purely coincidental.

Larry: Purely...purely coincidental.

Director: Oh really? What’s this then? (pointing to the map) I guess these are the red spaces...

Barry: Yeah...how did you know?

Director: Oh I don’t know...maybe because you’ve drawn in a guy here wearing a feathered headdress stumbling around drunk with a tomahawk!

Barry: Oh...the red parking spaces are for those who wish to park near the on-campus pubs...that’s why there’s a guy drunk. Larry must have drawn that Indian stuff in...

Larry: Yeah...(a beat)

Director: This is ludicrous! Listen, we can’t allow them to color-code the parking this way!

Chancellor: Uh guys...the director, no matter how pregnant she is, may have a point here...

Director: I’m not pregnant!

Chancellor: (ignoring her) Couldn’t we just switch the colors around or something?

Barry: (interrupting) Well I guess we could do that, but you see, the parking tags are already printed up, and the parking maps were sent to all the students last week.

Dean: Well, how much would it cost to change everything and uh...reprint the tags and maps?

[Larry pulls a calculator out of his pocket and types in some numbers quickly, seemingly at random. He then shows the figure to Barry.]

Barry: Around five or twenty million dollars.

Director: What? That can’t be accurate!

Larry: It is accurate!

Chancellor: (a beat) Well...I guess we’re just gonna have to take our chances!