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Sandy.....Megan Mullally Jesse.....Jimmy Fallon Girl.....Amy Poehler [ open on swinging barroom, as Jesse approaches Sandy ] Jesse: Hi. I'm Jesse. You're very beautiful. Can I buy you a drink? Sandy: Whoa, whoa, whoa! hold on, pardner. That is such a lame line. Jesse: No, seriously. I'd like to buy you a drink. That 2 for 1 deal can't be beat. Sandy: So you think I'll drink so much that I won't be able to resist climbing into bed with you at the end of the night? Jesse: [ defensive ] No! [ pensive ] Yes? [ confused ] I don't know. I just wanted to talk to you. I know we don't really know one another, but I thought -- Sandy: You ramble a lot, you know that? You're just, "Yak, yak, yak!" You lost me about five sentences ago. Jesse: I think I've only spoken about five sentences. [ Sandy gives him a knowing glance ] Alright, I get it. Look, why don't I start over? Sandy: No, no, no.. I get the gist. Look, buddy - you want a date with me, you've got to pass the test. Jesse: Okay, what do you want me to do? Like, push-ups? Sandy: No, nothing you shouldn't be able to handle. [ pulls out a homemade booklet of papers stapled together ] What I have here is 40 questions - 20 multiple choice, 20 fill-in-the-blank. You get a high score, you can buy me a drink and maybe get another high score at the end of the evening. Jesse: I'm not good at pop quizzes. But I like first prize. Lay it on me. Sandy: You won't get anything laid on you if your marks are too low. Now, are you ready to get serious, or are you going to keep fooling around? Jesse: I'd rather we fooled around together, instead of me all by myself. I'll play your game, you fiendish shrew. Sandy: I don't appreciate that.. but I like your spunk. [ reads ] Question 1: What's the first thing you noticed when you saw me? A. Eyes, B. Smile, C. Breasts, D. Vagina, E. Legs. Jesse: Hmm.. well, you're not naked, so I can't see your vagina.. I don't think I've seen you smile since I approached you.. you do have lovely eyes, but I have to admit I was looking at your breasts. Sandy: [ makes foul buzzer sound ] Wrong answer! You should have noticed my legs. [ lifts legs, rubs ] I take very good care of them. Jesse: [ rubbing her legs ] Say, they are nice! Sandy: [ slaps his hand ] Hey! Did I say you could rub my leg! Jesse: [ holds his hands up in surrender ] Sorry! Sorry! Hit me again. Sandy: Oh, don't even. [ reads ] Question 2: Where would you take me for a romantic dinner? A. McDonald's, B. Your house, C. Red Lobster, D. Paris. Jesse: Well, I happen to be employed as a master chef, so I would take you to my house for a cozy, intimate dinner for two. Sandy: I see your gesture, but I'm a lobster gal through and through. If you're not going to treat me with high respect, then we don't need to be dating one another. Jesse: I'm allergic to seafood.. Sandy: Hey, there's a turn-on! Jesse: Okay, are you finished emasculating me yet? Sandy: You're not doing too good, Jesse, so I'm only going to try one more on you. Are you ready? Jesse: Yes, I'm ready. Please don't keep me waiting. Sandy: [ reading ] Question 3: What chance in Hell do you think you have of getting me into bed tonight? A. 0%, B. 25%, C. 50% D. 100%. Jesse: Oh wow, I've been bombing out big time this evening, so I'm going to have to say it's A. 0%%. Sandy: Actually, it was D. 100%. You're an idiot and a selfish jerk.. but I could stare into your eyes all night. [ a beat ] But.. the numbers don't lie, so we're clearly not a match. Jesse: Hey, wait a minute! We didn't even get to the fill-in-the-blank questions yet! Sandy: Alright, but let's make it quick: "Thanks, but no 'blank'." Jesse: [ thinking ] Uh.. "thanks"? Sandy: See? You can be a smart boy, when you put your mind to it. It's been nice talking to you. Good luck in your search tonight, I hope you don't go home empty-handed. [ Sandy exits the bar ] [ hurt and lonely, Jesse lets his eyes wander the bar, finally spotting a lonely blonde who looks like she's had too much to drink for one evening ] Jesse: Hi. Are you the kind of girl who would have sex with the first guy who approached her all evening? [ a pause, as she carefully considers her answer ] Girl: My place or yours? Jesse: Yours, because I don't want you to know how to reach me when I dump you afterwards. Girl: I'll drive. Jesse: You bet you will. [ they exit the bar together ] [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
