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.....Jimmy Fallon .....Tina Fey Michael Moore.....Jeff Richards Roger Ebert.....Jeff Richards Richard Roeper.....Fred Armisen Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey. Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories! It has been announced that “Queer Eye for The Straight Guy” member Jai Rodriguez has agreed to record an album of music. Reportedly, the first song of the album is a cover of The West Side Story classic “I Feel Pretty”. Why? Jai Rodriguez has commented, “Because I feel so pretty, so pretty and witty and gay!” Jimmy Fallon: Despite stars Sean Penn, Tim Robbins and Marcia Gay Harden getting Oscar nominations for their performances in "Mystic River", co-star Kevin Bacon was overlooked for his work in the film. An Academy spokesman commented by saying that Bacon spent too much time "hamming it up" for the camera. Tina Fey: That’s baloney! He was great in that movie. Jimmy Fallon: Richard Norberg, a chef for a Swedish engineering firm, was recently fired from his cafeteria post because his cooking attracted too many customers, resulting in long lines and an overcrowded lunch room. When asked to comment on his dismissal, the Swedish chef stated (Swedish Chef impression), "Thees reelly soocks zee beeg oone-a. Vhet em I gueeng tu du veet ell ooff zeese-a cheeckens und hut dugs? Mmn, bork bork bork." And now here with a political comment is the one, the only Mr. Michael Moore. Michael Moore: Thank you. The President said this week that he wants the facts about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Okay, Mr. President, here are the facts… 1. There were no Weapons of Mass Destruction! The only weapons of mass destruction that I know of are the massive amounts of coke you snorted back in the 70’s! The fact right there shows why you shouldn’t be the President of the United States and you should be out on your ass! The only reason you became the President is because your father was President and your jerk off brother rigged the elections in Florida! America, hear me when I say this…America is harboring a terrorist and that terrorist’s name is George Walker Bush. He lives at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. in Washington, D.C. Jimmy Fallon: Michael, your time is up. GE only allows so much anarchy at a time. Michael Moore: GE sucks, Jimmy. Do you realize GE is the corporation that allows guys like George W. Bush to rig elections and allows the assassinations of JFK go unknown? (Jimmy Fallon cuts off Michael Moore’s rant) Jimmy Fallon: Excuse me, Michael. (Jimmy tares Michael shirt exposing his bare right breast in a Justin Timberlake-Super Bowl-esque way) (Stage lights go off) (NBC Disclaimer appears on screen) Announcer: NBC would like to apologize for any appearance of a fat guy’s bare breast and/or bare ass. We now return to your regular scheduled programming. (Weekend Update continues) Jimmy Fallon: I would like to apologize for the stunt that Michael and I just pulled. It was immature and uncalled for. Tina? Tina Fey: Actor Jean Claude Van Damme will be appearing on Monday’s episode of NBC’s “Las Vegas”. Van Damme will be playing a drunk out of work actor in the episode, or as casting agents know Van Damme as "himself". And now for a joke that might have been funny six months from now. A vet, investigating a rural cottage in Sweden, was knocked unconcious by the fumes generated by the feces of the twenty cats he found locked inside. After spending 3 days in hospital recovering the vet said of the experience: "It was a lot like going to see Catwoman". That was a joke that might have been funny six months from now. Jimmy Fallon: During the Super Bowl Halftime Show, this past weekend in Houston, Janet Jackson accidentally exposed one of her breasts during one of the performances. Hollywood reporters are calling the ‘boob tube flash’ the best looking titty on CBS since last month’s booby flash by “Everyone Loves Raymond” star Doris Roberts! "Jeopardy!" host Alex Trebek escaped injury when he fell asleep at the wheel of his pickup truck, sideswiped a string of mailboxes and sailed over an embankment into a ditch. Still, Trebek lay helpless for days, his pleas for assistance ignored because they were not phrased in the form of a question. Now, here to share their thoughts on some of the New Year’s most talked about films are Roger Ebert and Richard Roeper. (The duo walk out from backstage and sit in-between Jimmy and Tina) Ebert: Jimmy, nice to see you. Roeper: Tina, looking scrumptious as always. (Tina blushes) Jimmy: O.k. guys, first off, I’d like to know what you thought of ‘Monster?’ Charlize Theron looks poised to take home the Best Actress Oscar. Roeper: It’s a powerful piece of work but one thing bugged me about it. Jimmy Fallon: Oh yeah, what was that? Roeper: Since it’s a Charlize Theron movie, naturally I expected her to show some skin. Sadly, there’s not much of that here. She looks more like my grandmother than a South African princess. Ebert: But, Richard, surely that’s the point. I’ve said numerous times that her remarkable performance is the best since Robert DeNiro in ‘Raging Bull.’ Roeper: Who’s that? Tina Fey: (to Roeper) Wait a minute, you are a high-profile film critic and yet you don’t even know who Robert DeNiro is? Ebert: Tina, I’m sure Richard was just joking. We’ve reviewed over a dozen of DeNiro’s films since he joined the program. Roeper: Oh yeah, now I remember who he is. Loved him in ‘Angels in America.’ Tina Fey: Speaking of the nominations for Best Actress, let’s move on to ‘Girl with a Pearl Earring.’ Many feel Scarlett Johansson was robbed of a nomination for her work in this film and ‘Lost in Translation.’ Ebert: You know, I’ve been following Scarlett for quite a while. She was great in her earlier roles, paired opposite such big names as Robert Redford in ‘The Horse Whisperer’ and Billy Bob Thornton in ‘The Man Who Wasn’t There,’ but her recent work with Colin Firth and, of course, Bill Murray made everyone really sit up and take notice. Jimmy Fallon: Judging from what you said, it looks like she really likes to work with older men. Ebert: I suppose you could put it that way. Roeper: Hey, Rog, do you think I have what it takes to be an actor? I’d love to star opposite the yummy Miss Johansson. Ebert: Maybe. I’ll give you a call if I ever hear they’re making another sequel to ‘Revenge of the Nerds.’ Jimmy Fallon: (high-fives Roger) Ouch! That’s got to burn. Roeper: Yeah, well I heard they were making another movie about fat people. (Awkward silence) Tina Fey: To end on a light note, any thoughts on Ben Stiller’s new comedy ‘Along Came Polly?’ Ebert: Honestly, I was bored by it. Stiller’s just going through the motions. Roeper: I agree; though, after watching Jennifer Aniston in action, they might as well have called the film ‘Along Came Richard.’ Ebert: Quite frankly, Mr. Roeper, I’ve had enough of your childish attempts at humor. Roeper: Come on Roger, didn’t you at least feel somewhat aroused after watching her? Ebert: Well, maybe just a little bit. Tina Fey: Ebert and Roeper ladies and gentlemen. Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon! Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey! Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
