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President Bush.....Chris Parnell White House Page.....Fred Armisen Announcer: The following is an address by the President of the United States, George W. Bush. (Camera fades close up on President Bush) President Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. The reason for my address tonight is because frankly, there are issues that need to be addressed. Where do I start? How about my Moon & Mars plan. My plan is to get a new launch of astronauts into space and on the Moon and sooner or latter Mars. It’s the initiative of this administration to coordinate space travel, so we can commercialize outer space as much as possible. I’ve got plans for there to be at least 4 million “Starbucks” locations in outer space. How does that sound? A “Gap” and a “Kids Gap” on every planet. Oh, hell…I’ll even spring for a “Baby Gap” too! You get the picture. Next issue, my recent Georgian adventure to the tomb of Martin Luther King. You know, I have to be honest, when my advisors said I was going to a tomb, I figured I was going to met up with Angelina Jolie and I was like, “Yeah! Sign me up!” However, I was the victim of a cruel joke. When I got to Martin Luther King’s tomb, I was harassed and paraded by thousands of black folks, who apparently don’t like me. I yelled out at them, “Hey, you nigg…black folks…go home” and they shouted back at me, “Bush, go home”. I still can’t figure it out. Next…I have recently called for an investigation of intelligence failures. What does this mean? Well, frankly…this means…I don’t know. That’s why I’m having the government’s failure of intelligence investigated. (White House page appears on camera) White House Page: Mr. President. (White House page hands the President a sheet of page that explains the investigation) President Bush: (Scan information) Oh, I see…okay, seriously, what this investigation is… (Reads verbatim from the paper) The investigation will examine Iraq and other intelligence issues dealing with stateless groups, such as “al-Qaeda”, and secretive regimes, such as North Korea. (Looks up in an honest voice) My fellow Americans, this is my way of quieting mounting election-year criticism from Republican and Democrats alike. I mean it! Next, comedian Robin Williams decided to make fun of me, this week, at The Berlin Film Festival. He said that I am complaining about a lack of intelligence, which seems sort of redundant. Robin, your redundant! I liked that joke 20 years when you used it on Ronald Reagan. He went on to say that my administration still doesn’t know if Iraq had any weapons of mass destruction. He said, “well, all they have to do is ask Dick Cheney for the receipts." Duh! We’re running the government over there, so of course someone is going to have the receipts! Dummy! Next issue, the budget. My budget for 2005 will balance national security, social needs and fiscal responsibility; however, some naysayers say my policies have wounded the economy and prompted sky-high federal deficits. To the naysayers, I say to you this, “and you say it like it’s a bad thing!” The budget shows ‘compassion’. My advisors say that the people like a “compassionate commander”; like Russell Crowe in that “Master & Commander” film. “Master & Commander”: a great piece of work, from a beautiful mind, with gladiator instinct. Hey Democrats, zip your lip! The budget is the budget and that’s that! Next issue, weapons of mass destruction. Folks all around me keep bring up “Weapons of Mass Destruction”. I’m confused. If none of these weapons were found, then why are people making such a big deal about them? If they don’t exist, then we should stop talking about them. It’s like if the family cat gets run over by a car and dies, do you still talk about the family cat? No, we get a new one, case closed! Next, acquiring to a survey in Canada, the Canadian people don’t like me. 40% of surveyors say they wouldn’t vote for me in November. While, 15% of the surveyors said they would vote for me. How do you like that? The Canadian people don’t like me. Well, guess what! I don’t like you. America had has never appreciated Canada being on top. What is Canada suppose to be anyhow? It’s huge landmass of nothingness. It’s ice! They should just call it, Iceland! (White House page appears on camera) White House Page: Mr. President, there is already a nation called Iceland. President Bush: Oh, I see. Anyhow…Canada, or as some call it, America’s retarded cousin who has a weird lisp, I am only saying this because, I do not respect you. I cannot and do not respect a nation whose national sport is hockey, whose national famous “native daughter” is (in a mocking tone) Anne Murray! Canada, I do not respect a nation whose national condiment is mayonnaise. Canada, you are a horrible excuse for a nation! Next issue, Democratic presidential hopeful former General Wesley Clark wants me investigated for my actions involving Iraq. Wesley, you are going to have to learn something that is extremely important, and that is… (Cut off by White House page) White House Page: Mr. President, Wesley Clark isn’t watching television, this evening. President Bush: (To White House page) Oh, I see… (Into the camera) …never mind. That will be for another address. Next issue, Ted Kennedy says that I have broken the faith in Iraq. Folks, two things I have never seriously cared about in my life are one, Ted Kennedy and two, Iraq. Ted, do yourself a favor and shut up. Aren’t you supposed to meet Bob Packwood at a Hooters or something? Next issue, a lot of critics have been curious about my views about the incident that occurred at the Super Bowl. Personally, I still can’t believe the New England Patriots won, with a field goal by Adam Vinatieri! I lost $5 to Dick Cheney because of it! (White House page speaks) White House Page: Mr. President, America is in a media blast because Janet Jackson flashed her bare breast during the Halftime Show at the Super Bowl. President Bush: Oh…can’t I just call her Ms. Jackson because she’s “nasty”? (White House page gives stares at the President and walks away) So…you want to know my position on Janet’s boob? Well, guess what…I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours! Janet, I’d just like to say this…I very much like your work as a singer and as a dancer and as a non-freaky member of the Jackson family, but damn woman, put a damn bra on! If knew the Super Bowl Halftime Show was going to be “A Tribute to the movie SHOWGIRLS”, I would have “tivo’d” it and watched it after Laura went to bed. Somehow, I think this ‘booby-vision’ is a terrorist cell. I don’t know where, I don’t know how, but something smells fishy. Or should I just say “booby”? Now, on a more serious side, the next issue: the American people didn’t quite understand what I meant when I called for “Immigration Policy Overhaul” a while back. Well, here is all you have to know. Immigration policy overhaul allows illegal and legal immigrants in the United States to become American citizens for the next 3 years. What this really means is…Juan and Pedro can know vote for me in November because I gave them citizenship. Translation, I’m going to win in November. Like millions of immigrants aren’t going to vote for me! Come on! And finally, Paul O’Neill: if I were you, I wouldn’t open any unusually pieces of mail in the next few years. (Wink, wink) Good night, America, god bless and live from New York, it’s Saturday Night! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
