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Cashier.....Rachel Dratch Customer #1.....Will Forte Customer #2.....Darrell Hammond Woman.....Amy Poehler (Scene opens in a busy supermarket during the day. Customer #1 has finished shopping and is ready to checkout.) Cashier: Do you have your super club savings card? Customer #1: Indeed I do (Customer #1 hands his keys over to the cashier with his Key chain sized card on the ring. The cashier waves the card over the bar code reader a few times until she hears a confirming beep, then hands the key chain back) Customer #1: Alright now I’ve got lots of items on the super club list so I’m ready to save a fortune today. Cashier: Yes, savings. (Beat) Right (The cashier continues to check out customer #1 as customer #2 enters the line and awaits checkout. Customer#1 looks back at him and smiles as he begins to strike up a conversation.) Customer #1: Hey buddy, I see you bought Tide detergent, well Wisk is ½ price this week with you club card, and it’s just as good. Customer #2: You’re new here aren’t ya pal? Customer #1: Well yea, how did you know? (Customer #2 glances over at the cashier and the two exchange a smirk.) Customer #2: Let me guess newbie, most of your items are on the super club savings list right? Customer #1: Well of course, why would I pass over savings like this? Customer #2: Take it from me, That card was sent here from hell. They only use it to profile your spending habits and then they never leave you alone. I tossed my card in the river 3 years ago, and I’m still haunted by all the info that was gathered by them from its use. Customer #1: Gathered by whom? Customer #2: The CSPB that’s who. Customer #1: The CSPB? Customer #2: The Central Shoppers Profiling Bureau!!! Don’t tell me you’ve never heard of them. It’s the government’s way of tracking what you buy, so they can have their secret agents try and steer you towards more profitable products. I guess they think it will help the economy in the long run. Customer #1: Get outta here, I’m sure you just wanna screw with the new guy, so I’ll just pretend this conversation never happened. (Customer #2 and the cashier exchange another smirk as she is finishing up) Customer #2: Suit yourself newbie. Cashier: Ok sir your total comes out to $144.44, should I charge it to your Visa that you have linked to your club card? Customer #1: Indeed, and may I ask how much I save with the card? Cashier: You saved $13.47. (Customer #1 looks back at Customer #2 triumphantly with the news) Customer #1: $13.47 ahhh, I wonder what I’ll use it on… (Customer #1 signs his credit slip and begins walking out of the store, a beautiful young woman stops him before the doors) Woman: Hey sexy, I’ve never seen you here before you must be new around town. Customer #1: Indeed, I just moved into town a few weeks ago. My name is….. Woman: (interrupting) Well it’s great to meet you, but I couldn’t help noticing how great you smell.. What kind of deodorant do you use? Customer #1: Wow ahhh….thanks, it’s my Old Spice high endurance actually. Woman: That’s sexy, in fact the only thing sexier is Old Spice super duper high endurance deodorant, I can’t resist that stuff. Customer #1: Oh well actually I just bought a new stick of my regular stuff, that super duper kind is 3X more expensive. Woman: Oh and it’s worth every penny (seductively) believe me, maybe you’ll get it next time. Customer #1: I think I just may do that. (Customer #1 continues walking out to his car, as he gets closer he notices the same woman standing next to his car smiling from ear to ear) Woman: Hey Super duper high endurance man, I just figured I’d help you put your purchases in your car so you don’t strain your back again. Customer #1: Well sure…ahhhhh…wait a minute, how did you know I strained my back. As a matter of fact I just bought some back pain relief pills today. (Customer #1 digs into the bottom of one of his bags and holds up a bottle of Brand X back pain pills) Woman: Oh just a lucky guess really, but just so you know, nothing on the market works better on back pain than Doan’s brand back pain relief pills. That’s Doan’s for your back pain relief. And they are real sexy too!!! Customer #1: (Hesitantly) OK thanks for the advice… (The two load the bags into his car, the woman walks away quickly after the task is completed. Customer #1 begins driving home as his cell phone rings) Customer #1: Hello. Woman: Hey Doan’s back pain relief man it’s me… Customer #1: What…you mean the lady from the supermarket, how did you get this number? Woman: Oh stop you big silly, I just was wondering why a gorgeous man like you is using a pre-paid phone cell phone when it’s soooo much sexier with Verizon wireless. Customer #1: All right what the F…(suddenly remembers that he purchased a his pre paid cell phone card at the store) Listen lady if this is your idea of a joke I’m not amused. Did that guy in line at the store put you up to this? Hello Hello, are you still there… (Customer #1 realizes that she hung up and dismisses it as a joke, he stops off for gas before he gets off the freeway) Customer #1: (to attendant) Yea fill it regular please. Woman: Check the oil Verizon wireless man? Customer #1: (in disbelief) Ok now I’m freaked out, First off how did you get here so fast and second, how did you know I was low on (he remember that he purchased 2 quarts of Brand X motor oil at the supermarket) ….oil Woman: Well a sexy man like you needs a sexy motor oil, and Quaker State protects twice as much against viscosity breakdown. How sexy is that? Customer #1: This is crazy!!! You’re from that CSB whatever aren’t you? That guy was right, I’m calling the police because this is harassment. (Customer #1 reaches over for his cell phone, when he looks back out the window the woman is gone) Customer #1: This is nuts, where the heck did she go? Oh Christ I bought like 30 items on that godforsaken club savings list!!! (The man nervously pulls away and proceeds back onto the freeway. He is going through the items to himself in an attempt to foresee where she may turn up next.) Customer #1: OK there was the pancake mix, the butter, the tortilla chips oh god think man think…. Some odor eaters, Fabric freshener sprays…what…what could she possibly want me to buy next? (All of the sudden he hears a loud thump on the roof of his car. Sure that it is the woman he comes to a complete stop in the freeway and exits the car yelling) Customer #1: (Crying and yelling) I surrender, is that what you wanna hear? I SURRENDER!!! (He looks on his roof and sees no one there. He looks under the car but finds no one there either. He begins yelling and crying to all the stopped motorists who are beeping their horns and yelling) Customer #1: Oh she’s here, believe you me SHE IS HERE!!! She knows where you shop and what you buy, you’ll never get away….NEVER!!! (Moments later the police arrive to find the man pounding on the hoods of the stopped cars telling people to burn their super club cards. He throws his key chain at the police in a fit of rage as they approach and is incidentally arrested for disorderly conduct) (Cut to Customer #1 in a jail cell) Customer #1: Ahhhh safe in the confines of the state. Woman: Hey Quaker State, need a lawyer? I bet you didn’t know that you super club card gets you a free consultation and 20% off fees with Jacoby & Meyers. (Customer #1 looks up and sees her standing outside of his cell) Customer #1: That’s actually sounds like a great deal but will it make me sexier? Woman: Sexy indeed Jacoby. End scene… Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
