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Alien.....Will Forte Jane.....Drew Barrymore Reporter 1.....Jimmy Fallon Scientist 1.....Finesse Mitchell Scientist 2.....Chris Parnell Scientist 3.....Maya Rudolph [Scene: Open an a large convention hall exterior. Super 'July 2004'. Cut to a podium/reporter type set up. Jane is standing at the podium while reporters look on. Camera angle shifts and focuses on either Jane (and later Alien) or on reporters.] Jane: Alright everyone we're about to begin. I'll be translating for our very special speaker today. I ask that you all hold your questions until the speech is over at which time we will take questions. I also remind you that there will be positively, absolutely no smoking allowed at any time during the press conference. [Loud moans emanate from the reporters.] Jane: Without further ado here is Waxalota...the Martian. [Alien enters to gasps from the crowd. He takes a moment and stands looking very serious...and green.] Alien: (Fart.) [pause as reporters look at one another feeling embarrassed for the Alien.] Jane: Hello. [Reporters look confused.] Alien: (various farting sounds.) Jane: It is an honor to be here today amongst you good people of Earth. Alien: (various farting sounds) Jane: It was but 3 months ago that your Mars Rover named Opportunity discovered me hiding in my spider hole. Alien: (various farting sounds) Jane: The last Martian alive. Alien: (thoughtful pause as he chokes back the tears. Alien composes himself and then resumes farting.) Jane: Thank you for rescuing me from my abyss of loneliness. I am here today to tell you my story. Alien: (fast fart sound) [pause.] Jane: Gesundheit. Alien: (looks at Jane and farts.) Jane: You're welcome. [Cut to ext. shot of convention center super '3 hours later'. Cut back to internal shot.] Jane: And that is my story. I will never be able to thank you enough for letting me make this wonderful planet my home but I do offer you this small token of gratitude. [Alien holds up a 5 1/4" floppy diskette.] Alien: (some more farting sounds.) Jane: Once your scientists develop a technology advanced enough to read the contents of this information disk you will have access to all the wonders of Martian science and cures to every disease that currently afflicts man. Please accept this as my humble thank you. We'll now take questions. Reporter 1: Harold Larkin, Atlanta Herald. Did he just fart for 3 consecutive hours? Jane: Umm, well actually he was speaking. Reporter 1: Out of his ass for 3 hours? Jane: I suppose you could say that. Reporter 1: Oh well, no different from the White House Press Conference. (laughs and looks back at reporters who are shaking their heads as though to say 'Not funny.') Follow-up question. Did he just say that he has the cure to every disease known to man on that disk? Jane: (looks at Alien and translates. Fart, fart, fart, long fart, fart, strange fart, fart) Alien: (looks puzzled. Strange fart.) Jane: (thinks for a moment. Fart, fart, fart, long fart, fart, corrected strange fart, fart.) Alien: (gets a 'oh now I get it' look on his face. Turns to Reporter 1 and begins to fart but stops mid fart. Let's out a couple of quick farts, like coughs, and then a longer fart.) Jane: One second, his speaking orifice is a little dry from all the talking. [We see Alien taking a moment to eat some beans. He takes a spoonful and slowly munches on them. He puts the beans down.] Alien: (wet fart, wet fart, fart, fart, fart) Jane: Yes, absolutely. Our people had no disease. If it hadn't been for that freak occurrence where everyone sneezed at the same time and destroyed our ozone layer Mars would still be the Utopia I hope Earth will soon become. Reporter 1: Well then what the hell boys. I don't care what the lady says, let's light 'em up and celebrate! [Reporters take out their smokes and get ready to light up.] Jane: No...no you don't understand he's been talking for hours...there is a massive amount of methane gas in the room.... [Cut to stock footage of a huge explosion happening. Cut to a close up of some rubble with sad music playing. Alien's hand suddenly thrusts itself from out of the rubble holding the 5 1/4" floppy disk. Cut to external shot of a research facility. Cut to internal shot of same facility with Scientist 1, Scientist 2 huddled around a computer. Enter Scientist 3.] Scientist 3: Any luck deciphering the disk? [Scientist 1 is playing Doom 2 on the computer.] Scientist 1: Huh? Oh yeah. We dug up Ed's old 486 with the big floppy drive. It took about 3 days to figure out how to free up enough conventional memory to run the deciphering program though. What a pain in the butt that was. Scientist 2: Yeah, it was like a bad case of anal herpes. A real bad case. Scientist 3: So any luck? Scientist 1: Well as it turns out, the Martian Cure all has one side effect. It makes you talk out of your butt. Scientist 2: Translation. (fart). Scientist 3: So it's of no use then? Scientist 1: No, no nf fact with a very minor modification that can be avoided. Silly Martians talking out of their butts. What were they thinking. Scientist 2: (fart) Scientist 1: Could you stop doing that? Scientist 2: Sorry. Scientist 3: Wait...so, we've done it? We've cured...everything. Scientist 1: (getting up) Not so fast. Scientist 2: Yeah, hold up missy. Scientist 1: If we did cure everything then what would happen to our grant money? How would I put my kids through college? Scientist 3: Oh come now that's not why we're here, James. Scientist 1: (to Scientist 3) How would you afford that Jaguar you're always talking about? Scientist 2: Do you think maybe we could just release the cures one at a time though. Say, starting with anal herpes and moving from there? Scientist 1: No. Dammit I told you there's no money in cures it's all in finding cures. (flicks Scientist 2 in the ear). And besides, the cures are basically all very simple. Once one is understood the rest would fall like dominoes. Scientist 3: Well, my Alice has been talking about how she wants to go to Harvard. Scientist 2: Hmm, I see. Well let's say we just whip up one cure-all pill to cure just one case of anal herpes? Scientist 1: Dammit Fred, get a hold of yourself. Scientist 2: That's what I've been doing. Scientist 1: (to Scientist 2) Look, just take this disk and put it somewhere safe. We'll release the data one day. In the meantime let's go collect our paychecks. Scientist 3: (kid-like) My favorite is the blue Jaguar... [Exit Scientist 1 and Scientist 3. Scientist 2 looks around and notices a coffee mug beside the computer. He picks up the mug and picks up the cd-rom that it was lying on.] Scientist 2: Well goodbye cure for diabetes coaster, hello cure for everything coaster. Scientist flings CD-ROM and then sets coffee mug on the 5 1/4" disk and begins playing video game.] [Fade out to The Cure's 'Friday I'm in Love'] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
