[Scene begins on the nondescript set of a talk show. Soft music plays as the title card, which reads, "WOMEN’S ISSUES", is presented. Lisa Stevens (Poehler), the host of the show, sits to the right of today’s guest, Dr. Joseph Whenever (Host). As Lisa begins, the music fades out.]

Host: Hi. I’m Lisa Stevens, and welcome to this week’s edition of Women’s Issues. Our number is 555-4000. Today, we will be discussing rape, and with us is Dr. Joseph Whenever, a psychologist at Cal-Berkeley who studies sexual deviancy and specializes in rape prevention.

Dr. Joseph Whenever: Very glad to be here, Lisa.

Host: Very glad to have you. Now, I understand you’ve recently developed a controversial rape prevention technique that has brought about much contention amongst your colleagues. Could you explain it to our audience?

Dr. Whenever: Gladly. In a sense, my technique is based on the idea that rapists, by definition, are out to force women to have sex against their will. Considering this, I advocate that a woman who believes she is about to be raped behave as if she is willing to have sex.

Host: Hmm...that sounds interesting.

Dr. Whenever: See, what women have to realize, Lisa, is rapists thrive on the idea of using their tremendous strength and power to force a woman to have sex with them. So, if she’s sitting there screaming and crying and whatnot, she’s just turning the rapist on...even feeding him, in a way.

Host: But isn’t this just another way you can blame women for rape and, in essence, justify the rapist’s actions?

Dr. Whenever: Not at all. See, I’m not about blaming the victim. I simply want to take the incentive away from the rapist...because if he really believes you want a hot beef injection, he’ll realize he won’t be forcing you to have sex...which, in theory, would not be rape.

Host: Fair enough...but critics argue that since statistics indicate most rapes occur in cases where the perpetrator believes the victim actually wants to have sex, such behavior may serve to encourage rape, and not prevent it.

Dr. Whenever: Well, statistics, schmatistics...I just don’t know if I agree with that!

Host: Alright...I believe we already have a call. Jenny from Massachusetts, you’re on the air.

Jenny: Yes. I’ve been hearing what the doctor has to say, and I’m not so sure about his methods.

Host: Why is that, Jenny?

Jenny: Well, first of all, I...

Dr. Whenever: (interrupting) Wait just a sec...Jenny, have you ever been raped?

Jenny: What?

Dr. Whenever: Have you ever been forced to have sex with a man?

Jenny: No...

Dr. Whenever: Well, how am I to expect that you’d actually understand my methods?

Jenny: Well, I...

Dr. Whenever: (interrupting) I run into this all the time, Lisa. Caller, my point is that if you’ve never had a man force you to the ground, rip your clothes off, and pummel you with every inch of his manhood, then you can’t possibly comment on the effectiveness of my techniques!

Jenny: That’s horrible! (a beat as she hangs up angrily)

Dr. Whenever: I agree.

Host: Thanks, Jenny. Oooh...another call. Brittany from Ohio, welcome to Women’s Issues...you’re on the air.

Brittany: Yes...hello. I’m sitting here watching and...

Dr. Whenever: (interrupting) First of all...Brittany, have you ever been raped?

Brittany: Yes...

Dr. Whenever: Good! Because then you might be able to better comprehend what I’m talkin’ about. First of all, when you were raped, did you scream "no, no" and put on some big production like that, clearly letting the rapist know you didn’t want to have sex with him?

Brittany: Yes! I let him know that...

Dr. Whenever: (interrupting) See, there’s your problem right there. Letting some dark-skinned stranger know that sex with you will be non-consensual only indicates to him that it will be good. I suggest that next time, you instead come on to the stranger when he’s preparing to pork you. You may even want to rub his shoulders, or grab his privates...but only in a sensual way.

Brittany: But I wasn’t raped by some dark-skinned stranger! I was raped by my boyfriend!

Dr. Whenever: Well...that certainly sounds consensual to me!

Brittany: You’re an idiot! (a beat as the caller hangs up angrily)

Host: Thanks, Brittany. Now doctor, I understand the development of your techniques was precipitated by a personal tragedy. Would you like to explain that to the audience?

Dr. Whenever: Sure. My wife...well ex-wife now...was walking home from church late one night when she was approached by some...some filthy, dark-skinned scoundrel wearing all black, and he pulled her into an alley and raped her, right in the middle of the city.

Host: That sounds horrible.

Dr. Whenever: It was. It was one of the most horrible things I’ve ever had to deal with.

Host: Now you said ex-wife, didn’t you...why did you two divorce?

Dr. Whenever: Well...it was shortly after the rape, I...I believe. I figured after that, I could never have sex with my wife again.

Host: Why?

Dr. Whenever: There’s really a multitude of reasons, Lisa. First of all, I don’t think I could ever properly please a woman who’s been raped. I mean, by that time she’s got such a negative view of sex that I assume she’ll never climax again. Secondly, rapists rarely use condoms, so she could have contracted a venereal disease, which is a major turn-off. Lastly, I guess I was just really insecure about the whole thing.

Host: How do you mean?

Dr. Whenever: Well, as a man it is my natural inclination to wonder whether I’ll ever be able to equal the performance of the rapist. I mean, yeah I imagine it was terrible and all, but my wife may, at some point, be able to separate the horrible experience of being forced to have sex from what was likely a stellar performance on the rapist’s part. Plus, he was maybe black, so there’s length issues there too...very, very discouraging.

Host: (uneasily) Ok. You’re watching Women’s Issues...our number is 555-4000. (to a producer) Do we have another call? Geez, we have a lot tonight! Kevin from Iowa, what’s your question?

Kevin: Well, I’m not sure I have a question...I’m still in shock here. I can’t believe the doctor wouldn’t support his wife through what must have been a terrible time for her.

Dr. Whenever: Listen, it’s not easy to come on national television and admit I’m an insecure man, but that’s what it is. I mean, I’m not familiar with the bedside manner of the man who raped my wife, but you gotta figure that, with the experience he might have as a rapist, he’d be pretty damn good in the sack, you know?

Kevin: But I still find it hard to believe that you would just up and leave your wife over that...

Dr. Whenever: Hey listen, it was either me or her! I mean, if I’m never able to satisfy her because I can’t rock the boat like the rapist did, or I’m not as big as the rapist was, then she’s surely gonna divorce me, right?

Kevin: No!

Dr. Whenever: Let me ask you something...have you or your wife ever been raped before? (a short pause) Caller?

Kevin: No...

Dr. Whenever: God, you’d think you guys would do a better job of screening calls around here!

Host: (half-heartedly) Sorry. Tina from California, you’re on Women’s Issues...go ahead.

Tina: Hey, Lisa...love the show. I read about Dr. Whenever’s rape prevention methods in a magazine and I have to say...I’m a believer, but I’m not quite sure how they work.

Dr. Whenever: Well...I’d be happy to personally demonstrate them sometime...where do you live, Tina?

Tina: Oh...that’d be great! I live at...

Host: (interrupting) Oh...that’s all the time we have on Women’s Issues...

Tina: 121 West Cedar...(a clicking sound is heard, the show has disconnected her)

Host: (relieved) Oh...good job, guys. (thumbs-up to her staff behind the camera) Anyway, join us next week when we discuss...uh...child birth. Good day!

[The title card is presented and the soft music plays.]

Dr. Whenever: So...where do you live, Lisa? In an apartment...out in the country....alone?