[Scene begins with Bill (Armisen) entering a typical office break room. As he begins to pour himself a cup of coffee, Jim (Hammond) enters.]

Bill: (turning around to see who has entered) Oh...hey, Jim...how’s it goin’?

Jim: Fine, Bill...just fine. What’s happenin’ with you?

Bill: Oh nothin’ really...just tryin’ to get my day started.

Jim: Hey...always tough to do on a Friday. (gets a cup of coffee) Say...whatcha got goin’ on this weekend?

Bill: Not much. Tonight I’m takin’ the wife and kids downtown to eat, and I’m doin’ a little bit of the ol’ racquetball with the district manager on Saturday.

Jim: Oh, really? I didn’t know you played...

Bill: I don’t, but he’s gonna teach me how. I hear it’s a difficult game...but anything to get in a little face time with the company brass, right? (takes a drink of coffee) You ever played?

Jim: Oh, I play all the time.

Bill: Really? Got any beginner’s tips for me?

Jim: (has a sip of coffee) Well...first off, the basic object of the game is to hit the ball against the front wall before it bounces twice on the ground. As far as the other rules go, he can teach ya those. He’s an ok player...

Bill: Yeah, that’s what I hear. (takes a drink from his mug) So, is there anything else I should know, like, besides the rules and such?

Jim: Well, I’d be sure and never look back when he’s returning a shot. You picked up any eyeguards yet?

Bill: No...

Jim: Well, I certainly suggest you do. You don’t wanna lose your sight just because you wish to engage in a little off-the-clock ass-kissing with the boss.

Bill: (slightly defensive) Well, I don’t necessarily consider it to be ass-kissing all the way, you know. I mean, I’ve wanted to learn to play racquetball for a while now.

Jim: Sure...and who wouldn’t want to increase their physical activity by playing a game that’s both vigorous and exhilarating?

Bill: (uneasily) Yeah...right. (a beat) Well, what’s uh...what’s the boss like out there? Is he real competitive?

Jim: Basically...he’s uh...a big pushover, you know? I don’t know how to explain it...but I guess I’d be sure and try to beat him. He just loves showing off how good a sport he can be.

Bill: Funny, that’s not what I heard. I heard you could get fired for beating him in anything!

Jim: Nah, not true at all. (takes a drink) The boss ain’t like that.

Bill: Good then! Anything else I should keep in mind?

Jim: Well, the boss loves for you to run up in the way of the ball when he’s returning it...I think it makes it more challenging for him or something.

Bill: Yeah?

Jim: Yeah...and what he really likes for you to do is actually hit him with the ball.

Bill: Are ya sure?

Jim: Of course I’m sure! When he serves it, wait for the ball to get in perfect position, and then smack it as hard as you can, right at his head or crotch...it’ll let ‘em know you’re a real go-getter!

Bill: Wow...this is good stuff to know!

Jim: Right...but I tell ya what he likes the most...

Bill: What’s that?

Jim: He likes for you to take the racquet by the head, and shove the handle right up his...

[Larry (Parnell) enters the break room, interrupting his advice.]

Larry: Hey guys...what’s goin’ on?

Bill: Jim here was just giving me some racquetball pointers. I’m playing with the boss tomorrow.

Larry: Oh, really? Well good luck to you, sir...he can be a real hellcat out there.

Jim: Now Larry...we don’t want to discourage him...

Larry: I’m not tryin’ to discourage him, but if you ask me, the boss can be a real ass when...

Jim: (interrupting) Larry! Maybe we should try to stay positive, ok? (he then winks at Larry while Bill has his head turned)

Larry: Oh, ok...sure, I mean uh...

Bill: (interrupting) Wait a minute...he can be a real ass when what?

Jim: Larry here was just saying the boss can be a real ass when you don’t hit on his wife.

Bill: What???

Jim: Yeah, I mean the guy’s a real masochist, you know...he loves it when you disrespect him in front of his family by making passive sexual remarks about his wife’s figure, or about how you can go longer in bed than he can. I hear he’s good for about five minutes, and then BAM!...he’s spent...just like that.

Larry: And that’s countin’ foreplay...

Jim: (chuckling) Yeah...and I’d throw in a few insults at his children too, if you get the chance. I think they got some disabilities or uh...congenital illnesses you could exploit.

Bill: Hey! I’m not gonna say anything about his wife and kids, ok? I mean, it’s uncalled for to...

Jim: (interrupting) Fine Bill, do it your own way. But when me and Larry here are workin’ upstairs in a couple years rakin’ in six figures, you’ll wish you’d listened to us.

Larry: Yeah...when me and Jim are gettin’ BJ’s from Tahitian hookers and traveling to exotic islands to hunt natives for sport, don’t say we didn’t tell ya!

Bill: Just shut up...both of you! You guys are sick!

[A beat as Bill angrily exits the break room.]

Larry: Man, I didn’t mean to screw things up earlier...

Jim: Well, I almost had him until you came in!

Larry: Listen, if I would have realized you were tryin’ to get Bill fired again, I would have kept my mouth shut. I’m really sorry, alright?

Jim: Alright...apology accepted. (takes a drink of coffee) I don’t think he was going for any of it anyway. I tell ya, those damn Puerto Ricans are getting smarter every day!

Larry: Yeah, I guess they don’t fall for the same things they used to...

Jim: Yeah, you’re right...but I still hate em’...

Larry: Me too. (a beat as he goes to make himself a cup)

Jim: So, you goin’ to church on Sunday?

Larry: Yeah...I’ll be there.

Jim: Alright...well I outta get back to work. See ya around.

Larry: Bye.