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Gustav, Director.....Fred Armisen Stephen, Tybalt.....Seth Meyers Danni, Juliet.....Drew Barrymore Martin, Romeo.....Will Forte [ open on Gustav, director of a mediocre college production of Romeo and Juliet, sitting on a chair on stage w/ set assembled. He has one of those snooty goatees ] Gustav: Here at State University, we had never done a production of Romeo and Juliet. So I said to the Player’s Guild, “Don’t you think it’s time?” and they all responded back with things like “Time to party!” and “Time to get a new fence!” And then I told them about the play, while they put the keg back because we weren’t going to have a party. [ cut to Stephen, being interviewed in the same location ] Stephen: I had never done a play before, so I said to myself, “Hey, this could be fun.” And I auditioned and they put me in the role of Tybalt. [ cut to Gustav ] Gustav: Stephen showed a lot of enthusiasm for the part, and he almost became like a challenge to me, because he was so new at this. [ cut to Danni, interviewed similarly ] Danni: I received the part of Juliet because of my theater experience, and my acting ability, and also because I slept with the director. [ cut to Gustav ] Gustav: Did I sleep with Danni? …yes. Is that why she got the part? …yes. [ cut to Martin, interviewed similarly ] Martin: I auditioned for the play and was cast as Romeo. I had been the lead in an SU production of ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ so I basically got the part by default. [ cut to Gustav ] Gustav: Did I sleep with Martin? …yes. Is that why he got the part? …yes. [ cut to Danni ] Danni: We could feel the production was going to be a little rocky. The make-up people were always hung over, our lighting director had red-green color blindness, and then there was Stephen… [ cut to Stephen ] Stephen: Hey, it was my first performance. I was excited, a little bit nervous. Mostly just really energetic though. I was charged, man! Woo! [ cut to Gustav ] Gustav: Tybalt has this sword fighting scene with Romeo. Romeo is supposed to kill Tybalt, after a brief skirmish. [ cut to Martin ] Martin: [ good-naturedly ] Stephen had maybe a bit too much energy… In front of a live audience he was just going wild, and well, he cut my arm off [ hurriedly ] by accident of course. [ camera zooms out to reveal Martin has no left arm from the elbow down ] [ cut to Stephen ] Stephen: What a shock that was! [ a pause, speechless ] I really didn’t think that would happen. [ cut to Danni ] Danni: It was just a prop sword – I don’t know how he managed to do it. Clean through, one swipe. [ cut to Martin ] Martin: I have to say, losing a limb on stage is every actor’s worst nightmare. I know I want to say, “What are the odds it was me?” But I guess it had to be somebody. [ cut to Gustav ] Gustav: I was really worried at this point. A million questions were going through my mind ..Were we going to lose the audience? ..Will this affect the reviews? ..Will the cleaning crew demand extra pay? Important questions. [ cut to Martin ] Martin: You know that old showbiz slogan, “The show must go on.” So I decided to improv my way out of the situation after finishing the sword fight. And you know, I think those in the audience that never read the play – and didn’t know my arm wasn’t supposed to be severed – didn’t even notice. [ cut to Danni ] Danni: When we went to do the scene later, where we embrace, well it felt really weird, with him not having an arm. Instead of fingers, all I felt was just rivers of blood, literally, rivers, shooting out, onto my shoulders, my back. It was really warm, almost like I was on fire. I don’t think I’ve ever spent a greater moment on stage, it was pure ecstacy. [ cut to Gustav ] Gustav: I think it went really well with the audience. They saw the actors putting their hearts, and their limbs, out on the line, and they were really able to embrace that spirit. [ cut to Stephen ] Stephen: I really learned a lot from Martin that show, about acting and just being committed to your role. I don’t think there were any hard feelings, he even joked to me, [ mimics ] “Maybe we should cut off your arm during the next show.” [ cut to Gustav ] Gustav: Do I have any regrets about the performance? ...no. It was a little rocky, but I think the actors really came together to put on a strong show. And you can’t buy that – not with ten thousand severed limbs. [ cut to Stephen ] Stephen: What do I regret? I think not having my parents there. I think they really would have liked to see me perform, even if it had its ups and its down. [ cut to Danni ] Danni: What I regret most, probably, is accidentally killing Stephen’s parents in a freak mozzarella accident a month ago. They’ve always been there for him, and they would have been there for him that night. [ cut to Martin ] Martin: Regrets? Well, I guess the arm—of course. But other than that, umm, I guess my pants could have been a little tighter. [ fade out ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
