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.....Jimmy Fallon .....Tina Fey Ryan McGregor.....Seth Meyers Hillary Clinton.....Amy Poehler Himself / Bill O’Reilly.....Jeff Richards Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey. Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories! The White House, this week, released George W. Bush’s military record to the press, with the instruction of how to present the information. On the top of the paper, it says, “Read these instruction verbatim, out loud to your audience. President George Walker Bush is a good man. The Democratic Party started the War in Iraq. Saddam Hussein is a good and decent man. The Democratic Party, including Hillary Clinton should burn at the stakes for the killing of innocent Iraqis. Vote Bush in November. Thank you. Stop reading.” Jimmy Fallon: Rapper Master P pleaded guilty to a number of tax crimes, this past week. Master P commented by saying, “I never thought I’d ever become the black Willie Nelson!” Reporters say that because of certain tax crimes committed by Master P, his “bling, bling” factor has been reduced to “just plain old bling”. A British company has produced an mp3 player that fits into the magazine of an AK-47 assault rifle, just like an ammo clip. The player was inspired by a study that showed most people will only listen to modern British music when someone is pointing an AK-47 at them.
Jimmy Fallon: In India, Hindu Nationalists have threatened to beat couples with bamboo sticks if they exchanged Valentine's Day cards on Saturday. Applauding this move, the Sado-Masochistic Society of India are gearing up for what promises to be one hell of a Valentine's Day.
And now, here with a commentary on Valentine’s Day, is ranting college student, Ryan McGregor. Ryan McGregor: Thanks, Tina. Now, as you all know, today is Valentine’s Day—the cruelest of holidays. No other holiday separates the “haves” and “have-nots” like Valentine’s Day. Just think about it, an entire day solely devoted to celebrating your significant other. What if you don’t have anyone? No other holiday is like this. Halloween is about celebrating candy, if you don’t have any, you can just walk around ringing doorbells and you’ll get it for free. Those without explosives on the Fourth of July can head down to a local park where the government will set off explosives for you! But, unless you live near a friendly brothel in Nevada, there is no free love to go around on Valentine’s Day. Think of it this way: what if there were a holiday called Private Jet Day? Isn’t that just a little unfair to the millions of people without private jets? Or how about Original Rembrandt Day, where all the art collectors can gather, mix some really odd drinks involving fermented coconut, and celebrate their original Rembrandts. Gee, everyone can enjoy that! Hell, I couldn’t even celebrate Fake Rembrandt Day! Or perhaps there’s this new holiday called Big House Day. Traditionally, you go to the store and you can buy these little candy plaques to hang up all over your house to show how much you love it. They only come in packages of one hundred, though, so you’re left with a whole bunch of disgusting candy to eat if you don’t have a big enough house. And each one has a little phrase on it, just to further rub it in how big of a house it is. Things like: “Live Here 4Ever!” “Three Cheers for the Chandelier!” and, finally, the ever-popular “Foyer Fever!” 
Ryan McGregor: Well, just to ease the burden on the millions of Americans like myself, I have rechristened February 14th to a holiday everyone can celebrate. Say hello to Green Elvis Tattoo Day! [ jumps up and lifts shirt to reveal tattoo ] Watch this, I can make him dance! [ mimics ] Thank you, thank you very much! Tina Fey: Ryan McGregor everybody! [ aside ] The beer we promised is in the back. Ryan McGregor: Bonus! [ runs off ] Jimmy Fallon: In an interview, this week, television host Carson Daly commented on the Janet Jackson Super Bowl incident by saying, “This particular event might be, for the moment, the straw that broke the camel's back on the patience of the audience. Tolerance of this sort of sexual imagery may have reached its peak." Daly went on to comment further, “which means it’s just a matter of time before my ‘Last Call’ show gets canned and I’m back on MTV!” Tina Fey: After another poor showing in this week’s primaries, retired General Wesley Clark ended his bid for the Democratic nomination. Hearing this, Jimmy Fallon said, “There goes my chances of being in anymore political sketches. I guess I’ll have to stick to sketches involving college stoners with web-cam shows, New Englanders with thick retarded accents and balding NBC executives!” Jimmy Fallon: This week, Men’s Journal announced their list of “The 25 Toughest Guys in America”, including – 50 Cent, Donald Rumsfeld, Senator John McCain and Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Farve as the number 1 tough guy in America. However, an oddball on the list was New York Senator Hillary Clinton. She, not being a guy, has raised some eyebrows. Live from he home in Chappaqua to comment on this, is Senator of New York, Hillary Clinton! Hillary Clinton: Hello, fellow New Yorkers. This week, I made the list of the 25 toughest guys in America. I am deeply, deeply honored, however…I am not a guy. Sure, I could probably be tough enough to take on my husband in a boxing ring and beat him within 3 to 4 rounds. It wouldn’t be hard. Bill’s like the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Sure, I could probably go a few rounds with George Foreman and probably knock him out, maybe. But the facts are…that I am not a guy. I don’t have the urge to have sex with every nice piece I see walk in the door. Not all the time, at least. Why? Because...I am not a guy. I don’t have the sudden urge to put my hand down pants and belch when I see a sporting event on television. Why? Because...I am not a guy. And the best evidence I have that will prove that I am not a guy…I don’t have a ‘you know what’. This listing of me is flattering but...I am not a guy. If someone really wanted to piss me off, they should have asked me to appear in the “Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue” or…ask me to appear nude in Playboy. But…still the evidence of my femininely is that…I am not a guy. Thank you. Jimmy Fallon: Not a guy, Hillary Clinton everyone! Tina Fey: Russell Arons, vice president of marketing at Mattel, announced Wednesday that Barbie & Ken have broken up after 43 years together, yet will remain friends. Arons said the break-up was prompted by the release of Cali Girl Barbie, who has already attracted a new admirer, Blaine the Australian boogie boarder. Thanks for the news, Russell. And all this time we thought it was Ken who was gay. Arons hinted that the separation may be partially due to Ken's reluctance to get married - but it may also have to do with the fact that Mattel forgot to give Barbie a vagina. 
Pope John Paul II continued to entertain visitors this week, now forced to endure the antics of skateboarding monks. One side note: the monk later slipped off his board and busted his ass. We at Weekend Update hate to be the spreader of embarrassing news, but hey - we're not the ones who took the vow of silence. Jimmy Fallon: While viewing pornography on the internet a man reportedly came across a video of his wife having sex with another man and immediately called his lawyer to have it removed. The lawyer did so but warned Kid Rock that there still might be copies of the video out there. 
Movieoke, the cinematic sibling of karaoke, allows movie fans to re-enact scenes from their favorite films at a new club in the East Village. It's fun, it's hip.. and it's the only place where Pauly Shore can still get work! Tina Fey: A recent study has found that eating chocolate is good for the heart. Scientists working on the study recommend that everyone stop excercising immediately and instead start gorging themselves with massive amounts of chocolate. Jimmy Fallon: And now, with a word from Bill O’Reilly is Jeff Richards, who has been let go by Saturday Night Live just a few weeks ago. (SUPER: LIVE FROM HIS NYC APT.) Jeff Richards: Hey guys, it’s good to see you again. Who’s hosting this week? Tina Fey: Drew Barrymore. Jeff Richards: I remember when she was on in 2001. She’s a wonderful woman. I just saw her with Adam Sandler in the new film “50 First Dates”. Descent film. Tina Fey: Hey Jeff, Lorne has said to all of us that he’s sorry he had to let you go. He did mention he might be able to hire you back next fall like he did with Parnell. Jeff Richards: I understand. My agent mentioned that to me. Jimmy Fallon: Jeff, are you ready to do your Bill O’Reilly bit? Tina Fey: Don, can you give him an intro? Announcer: The following is a brief address from Bill O’Reilly. Bill O’Reilly: Okay…it’s time for some seriousness folks! First topic, it appears that my political views need sharpening. This week, I clarified to “Good Morning, America” that my political position was on the rocks because the continued intelligence fog that Bush camp has been exposing. But Mr. O’Reilly, I don’t understand. (Makes a side note) I love doing that! How can you go from the right wing…and jump to the left wing. Politics are not like hop scotch! I understand, but personally I feel like the Bush administration has exposed it’s open wounds and the Democratic candidates are jumping in those said wounds like a virus. Intelligence is one thing the Bush camp has been unable to figure out. Personally, I feel if the Republicans don’t resolve the ‘intelligence’ issue, it could be hanging over their head in November. The Republicans need some band-aids and they need them fast! Next issue, Saturday Night Live recently pink slipp’d cast member Jeff Richards because “he wasn’t working out!” NBC, I’m sorry. A guy who has 2 or 3 powerful recurring characters such as Baby K and Drunk Girl isn’t working out? NBC, I have 2 words from you…Horatio Sanz! No recurring characters…no impressions! Mr. Richards has been proven as one of the best impressionists in Saturday Night Live history and you’re shutting him out the door! I’m sorry NBC; I’m just not buying it! Back to you, Jimmy and Tina! Tina Fey: Jeff Richards as Bill O’Reilly, everyone! Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon! Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey! Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
