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Donald Trump.....Darrell Hammond .....cast of SNL Announcer: You loved "The Apprentice". So, we already signed Donald Trump up for a second season. Announcer: You loved "The Apprentice". So, we already signed Donald Trump up for a second season. Donald Trump: That's right. I'm back for another round of corporate ladder climbing. Announcer: We are so sure that you will make season two a ratings bonanza just like the first, that we already sealed a deal with "The Donald" for season number three!!! We also know that all reality shows need a celebrity edition... or else it would not be a "Reality Show". So, coming in Fall of 2004, look for: "The Apprentice 3: SNL Edition"!!! Donald Trump: Sketch comedy is about to get a down sizing! Announcer: Watch as cast members from your favorite sketch comedy show try and lie... Jimmy Fallon: Donald, I love your hair. (Trump walks away. Jimmy to Tina Fey:) I loved it when it was on "Bob's Big Boy" too! (Laughs heartily) Announcer: ...Cheat... Rachel Dratch: (Knocking on Trump's office door) Um, I brought you some lunch, sir. (As she's talking Horatio Sanz switch the brown paper bags) Donald Trump: Come in. Rachel Dratch: Mr. Trump, I brought you your favorite. (She hands the brown paper bag to Donald. He opens the bag.) Donald Trump: Oh, you think this is funny? Rachel Dratch: What? Uh, I-I don't know what you're talking about. Donald Trump: I'm talking about this... (pulls out a bag of type O+ blood)... Are you insinuating that I'm some sort of bloodsucking vampire? Rachel Dratch: I- I- No! I- I- I mean I would never think that!!! I swear. I SWEAR!!! (Starts bawling) IIIIIII Woooouuullllldddd nev-er think that ah-bout-YOU!!! Announcer: ...and Steal... Will Forte: Where's my Falcon? Come on!!! WHERE IS IT?!!! I can't do my Falconer sketch without it. Without that Falcon... I'm ruined. (Shot pans around the corner where Maya Rudolph is holding her right hand over her mouth to keep from laughing and tucked under her left arm is a suspicious, bird shaped item, covered in a burlap bag.) Announcer: ...All for one purpose... TO SAVE THEIR JOB!!! Donald Trump: You all know why we're here. Today, one of you is going home. No longer will that person be a cast member on the longest running show in sketch comedy history. Jimmy... you're funny on Weekend Update, your song parodies are pure genius... Jimmy Fallon: Thank you, sir. Donald Trump: But, I think you should know that I check the SNL message board quite often, and I take the criticism into account. I want to let you know, that if you don't do something about your hair... You're next to go. I'm allowing you to stay. Jimmy Fallon: Oh, thank you, thank you so much. I promise to stop going to that barber who has no arms. I swear. Yes!!! I stay!!! Donald Trump: Amy... I like your Sharon Osbourne. Michael Jackson is superb. However, you need to show more skin. Amy Poehler: That's kinda sexist. Donald Trump: So. (singing) This is my party, and you'll cry if I want you to, cry if I want you to. (stops singing) Instead, I want you to show more skin. You stay. Amy Poehler: BAM! I'm one cast member who not going to be run up the flag-Poehler! Donald Trump: Keep up with jokes like that and I may reconsider. Amy Poehler: Right, right, sorry. Won't happen again. Donald Trump: Darrell... You do good political impressions. Darrell Hammond: (in a Bill Clinton voice) Thank you, thank you very much. Donald Trump: You're staying. Plain and simple. Kenan... You're funny. However, I think you haven't gotten past the whole Nickelodeon thing, but I see potential. You also stay. Seth, Maya... I can't say a bad thing about either of you. You both stay. Oh, and Maya, I'll need to see you in my dressing room after this... Strictly for business of course. (He winks at her. She gives a creeped out look.) Now, to get down to business. Jeff... (Only shows the back of "Jeff Richards" head.) Drunk girl is very funny. You're a master of celebrity impressions. Unfortunately, that is also your downfall. You one time did an "unflattering" impression of me, and now I'm back for revenge. Jeff Richards... YOU'RE FIRED. Finesse Mitchell: I'm just glad it was not me. Fred Armisen: Well, maybe now I can be a repertory player. Good-bye Jeff, Hello Fred! Ha Ha Ha. Announcer: That's "The Apprentice 3: SNL Edition", coming this Fall, on Thursdays after "Joey"!!! God, we hope that fills in the gap left by "Friends". Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
