[Scene begins in a dark alleyway located in a seedy neighborhood. Sarah (Poheler) and Kimmi (Rudolph) are dressed like preppy teens. They are shivering, as if cold in their skimpy attire.]

Sarah: I wish this guy would hurry up...

Kimmi: I know...it’s friggin’ cold. When did you say he’d be here?

Sarah: Around 9:00...

Kimmi: Well, it’s 9:30 now! (a beat) I don’t know about all this Sarah...I’m kinda scared...

Sarah: Listen, don’t chicken out on me...we told Dave and Barry we’d get them the hook-up tonight...so stay cool, alright?

Kimmi: I will...but damn, I could have gotten some weed from my friend Rad Jimmy...I don’t know why we have to go to the inner city to get...

[While she is talking, a guy (Meyers) is slowly rising up from behind them. He is dressed in ragged clothes, a baseball cap, and has a beard and moustache.]

Kimmi: (her line is interrupted after she notices the dealer) Oh my god!!!

Sarah: (screaming at the same time as Kimmi’s outburst) Ahhh!!!

The Dealer: (in a quiet, muffled voice) Shhh! Be quiet...

Kimmi: (loudly) Who are you???

The Dealer: Shhh...I’m here to give you the stuff. You girls got the money?

Sarah: Oh, (recognizing him as the dealer) yeah. (gets purse and begins digging through it)

The Dealer: You want weed right?

Sarah: Yeah. It’s like 80 bucks, isn’t it?

The Dealer: So...all you want is weed? No heroin, coke, or crystal?

Sarah: No, just weed. Why?

The Dealer: Hey, you girls don’t smoke, do you?

Kimmi: (sarcastically) Well, uh, obviously we smoke weed sometimes...

The Dealer: No, I mean like, uh...cigarettes...

Sarah: No...we don’t smoke cigarettes.

The Dealer: Good...never do that...it’s bad!

Sarah: Why are you worried about cigarettes?

The Dealer: You know, there’s all sorts of risks...emphysema, lung cancer...smelly clothes...

Sarah: (uneasily) Right...listen mister, we just wanna get outta here...we’re kinda scared...

The Dealer: Well you should be scared! This is a dangerous neighborhood!

Kimmi: You’re right, sir...so please, just give us the stuff and we’ll be on our way.

The Dealer: (looking off to the left) What’s that you drove here? Is that a...

Sarah: (proudly) It’s my daddy’s Porsche convertible.

The Dealer: Oh god...you idiot! I can’t believe you drove that here!

Sarah: (taken aback by his outburst) I’m sorry!

The Dealer: Dammit, sorry ain’t gonna cut it! You could get stabbed or raped for a car like that!

Kimmi: Sarah, this guy’s startin’ to creep me out...and he smells like Old Spice!

Sarah: Listen, sir, we just want the weed and we wanna get outta here, ok?

The Dealer: Ok, ok...let me just get your bag and...(pulls out a cellophane bag and hands it to Sarah) you can be on your way.

Kimmi: (looking at the bag) Wait a minute...(takes it from Sarah) what the hell is this?

The Dealer: That’s, uh...weed, man.

Kimmi: No it isn’t! It’s a bag full of...old brillo pads!

Sarah: Let me look. (takes the bag from Kimmi) Oh my god! You were gonna rip us off!

The Dealer: Uh...no I wasn’t...

Kimmi: Dammit, Sarah! I told you we should’ve called Rad Jimmy!

The Dealer: Who’s Rad Jimmy?

Kimmi: Hold on...are you a cop? (looking closely at his face) Wait a minute...

[Kimmi rips off the man’s moustache and beard and takes off his hat, which reveals a balding head. The man looks to be middle-aged.]

Sarah: Oh, no...(buries her face in her hands)

Kimmi: Don’t worry, Sarah...we didn’t buy any real weed...we won’t go to jail for this!

Sarah: Kimmi, he’s not a cop...he’s my father!

Kimmi: (looking at the dealer more closely) Mr. Steinmiller...is that you?

The Dealer/Mr. Steinmiller: (speaking normally) Yes, it’s me. Listen, Sarah...let me explain...

Sarah: No, you listen! You can’t do this to me anymore! I’m 15, ok...I can do what I want!

Mr. Steinmiller: I know, I know...it’s just that me and your mom were scared about what all you might be doing, you know, and we thought that having me pose as a drug dealer may expose some of the dangerous things you’re taking part in...

Sarah: Like what?

Mr. Steinmiller: Like driving my hundred-thousand dollar Porsche into the city to buy drugs!

Sarah: Hey! Me and Kimmi can handle ourselves, ok! We’re not babies!

Mr. Steinmiller: I know...you’re right. I guess we were just worried, you know...we didn’t want to see you get hurt or anything.

Sarah: (lightening up) Well...maybe you’re right. Maybe I shouldn’t have drove your expensive new car into the ghetto to buy drugs...

Kimmi: Yeah...and we probably shouldn’t have been blasting country music and flashing Aryan gang signs out the windows either.

Mr. Steinmiller: Right, right...but hey, I was so glad to find out that you weren’t smoking cigarettes! I guess those Truth commercials do work! And hey, all you’re really doing is buying a little marijuana...you could have been shooting up horse or...or huffing paint thinner or something.

Sarah: (almost tearfully) Well...you and mom and...and TV have taught me good, daddy!

Mr. Steinmiller: (emotional in regard to her response) Oh, honey!

[Both embrace lovingly; Sarah actually begins to cry a little. They soon separate.]

Mr. Steinmiller: Hell...if all you want is pot, I could have gotten that for you. I know a guy at the office who grows the stuff in his basement...I’d get ya a good deal!

Kimmi: You’re dad is so cool, Sarah!

Sarah: I know! So, how ‘bout you get us some weed tonight! Our boyfriends are waiting!

Mr. Steinmiller: Will do, sweetie...but, you’ll have to keep it at our house, darling. I don’t want you out somewhere else getting into trouble or...

Sarah: (suddenly angry) What? You expect me to get high around you and mom???

Kimmi: (crossing her arms) That is so not cool, Sarah!

Mr. Steinmiller: But...I thought that...

Sarah: I hate you forever! Stay out of my life, pig!

[Sirens can be heard, and blue lights can be seen flashing against the wall. A car squealing to a halt is overheard. Two police officers quickly approach them.]

Officer #1: What the hell is goin’ on here?

Sarah: Uh...this weird guy here is tryin’ to sell us weed!

Kimmi: Yeah, and he was tryin’ to rape me...with his knife!

Mr. Steinmiller: What? I don’t have a knife!

Officer #2: You’re comin’ with us, sir.

Mr. Steinmiller: But...I’m her father!

Officer #1: Oh, that makes it better...a father selling his teenage daughter marijuana while raping her friend at knifepoint. Oh yeah...we should just let you go right now, shouldn’t we?

[Officer #2 chuckles at his partner’s sarcasm as he is handcuffing Mr. Steinmiller.]

Mr. Steinmiller: But, you don’t understand...I was trying to teach them a lesson!

[Officer #1 raps Mr. Steinmiller across the head with his billy club...he is knocked out.]

Officer #1: Ok, you kids can run along now....we gotta take this bum to the police station.

Sarah: Wait officers...can we uh...have your phone numbers? Maybe we could party after you get off tonight?

Officer #2: Hmm...sounds good...you girls gonna have any weed for us?

Kimmi: Hell yeah! I’ll call Rad Jimmy now...

Officer #1: Fine by me then...let’s do it!

Sarah: Sweeeet!

Officer #1: Ok! My number is 555-...