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Cynthia.....Christina Aguilera Matthew.....Will Forte Divorce Attorney.....Rachel Dratch Gemma.....Maya Rudolph [ ext. ocean – day ] [ Cynthia and Matthew, wearing wet suits, are laying on their surfboards, offshore, presumably to catch waves ] Cynthia: Matthew, I just wanted to say, these past two weeks with you have been the best past two weeks of my entire life… [ takes his hand ] I know I said that two years ago on our honeymoon [ pleading ] but this time, I really mean it. [ seriously ] Really, really. Matthew: [ uncomfortably ] I’m really glad you feel that way, Cynthia, but… Cynthia: [ worried ] But what? Matthew: Well, sugar blossom, you know I love you like plum pudding, you know that. But sometimes… Cynthia: [ begins tracing circles around Matthew’s eyes with her finger ] Sometimes what, cinnamon puff? Matthew: Sometimes I feel like things have changed between us… [ Cynthia accidentally pokes his eye ] Oww! [ a beat ] It’s nothing you’ve done wrong, pineapple nectar, [ bites lip ] it’s me. Cynthia: You’re not still worked up over that Britney Spears thing, are you? Listen, apricot emulsifier, I completely understand about her… she was on your list. Matthew: Noo... it’s not that. This is so hard to say to you, checkerboard dumpling, so I’m just going to spit it out like plum pudding… I’m being eaten by a shark. And I can’t put you through that; I think we should get a divorce. Cynthia: But tangerine dewdrop, what above our love? Matthew: Our love is a tight bond connecting our souls, and nothing can ever shatter that, my cantankerous roundworm. But the shark which is now feasting on my legs and toes and feets and knees is a force dragging me underneath the surface; downward to murky waters were it will eviscerate me, limb from limb, like plum pudding. Our love is strong, but this beast tugs like the gravity of a thousand plum puddings. [ Divorce Attorney paddles into view, wearing a long, dark dress with floral prints and out-of-style eyeglasses on a strap. A stack of papers and some pens rest upon the front of her surfboard ] Divorce Attorney: Well, well, well, looks like you two aren’t in love after all! [ puts on glasses, holds out papers, pens ] Sign here, here and here please. [ Matthew and Cynthia sign ] Cynthia: [ weeping ] But flammable dandelion, this is all so sudden! Matthew: [ sighs ] Shark attacks always are. Divorce Attorney: Everything seems to be in order. [ lowers eyeglasses ] I’ll be sending you my bill for a crapload of dollars. Enjoy your miserable single lives with families that blame you for your marital instability. [ Divorce Attorney paddles off ] Matthew: My time is over, my poinsettia freckle. The shark now leads me down to a fatality that is invigorating and frightening, as plum pudding. [ Matthew sinks, with a minimal display of fuss ] [ Gemma enters, wearing typical surfing wetsuit. Champagne and two glasses on her surf board ] Gemma: Girl, you’ve got to stop being so down on yourself, and loosen up. Cynthia: Gemma, it’s just so hard for me. I keep looking down into the murky depths of the sea hoping to see a glimmer, anything, of my pumpernickel sunbeam. If only just a severed hand, or nose, that I might love it for eternity. Gemma: Girl, you need to stop with those pet names. They’re not cute, just retarded. [ begins pouring Champagne ] Matthew’s not coming back, and you need to accept that, and move on. Cynthia: I just don’t know how, Gemma. Gemma: Girl, I got a big stack of ones; let’s go out tonight. [ light on set fades, moon rises, creating an illusion of night ] [ female partygoers paddle out and join Gemma and Cynthia ] [ disco lights and dance music ] [ male stripper, clad in vest and pants paddles into center ] [ cue music, No Doubt’s “Hella Good” ] [ male stripper stands up on board, tears off vest ] [ Gemma and Cynthia sip Champagne, the latter less enthusiastically ] [ male stripper reveals pants to be tear-aways, now clad only in sequined briefs ] [ more Champagne drinking, Cynthia more enthusiastically ] [ male stripper swirls pants above head ] [ Cynthia grabs Champagne bottle and begins chugging ] [ stripper’s pants land on Cynthia’s head. She shrugs them off, continues chugging ] [ end disco lights and music, partygoers and stripper disperse ] [ moon goes down, sun comes up ] [ a rooster crows ] Cynthia: [ obviously hung-over ] I haven’t partied like that since.. since.. five years. Gemma: Girl, you partied a little too hard, if ya ask me. I think you need to ease off the Champagne. Cynthia: Nonsense. I’m as feel as I’ve ever gooded… Just as soon as I… I… [ hurls off-camera ] Gemma: Girl, that’s it. Come here, Cynthia, I’m here for you. Cynthia: [ sobbing ] It just seems as soon as I meet someone and fall in love and get married and try to get pregnant and have babies with but can’t because of my defective ovaries, that my one true love gets eaten by a shark. And I just want it to stop, and go back to that way it used to be… Gemma: Girl, c’mon, it’s alright, let it out [ offers a tissue ] Cynthia: [ takes tissue, accidentally dips it in water, and discards it seeing how soggy it is ] First there was Brandon, and then Tommy, and then Daniel, and now Matthew; all eaten by sharks. Gemma: Girl, I know, and it’s so unfair. Cynthia: But you know what? I’m not letting this one get away. If Matthew wants to be eaten by a shark, fine! I can be eaten by a shark too! So there! [ Cynthia begins thrashing in the water ] Gemma: Girl, you are a strong woman. [ Cynthia places a large, bloody steak in the water ] Cynthia: Sharks like bloody meat, right? Well, I have their bloody meat. Come on up sharks! Eat me! Drag me down to the depths were Matthew and I can spend eternity together, dancing in the resultant shadows, like plum pudding. Fate can not keep us separated forever! [ with a loud caw, a large Pterodactyl tilts down, grabs Cynthia in its toothy jaws and flies off ] Gemma: Girl, she is a fighter. [ fade out ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
