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Chip Peters.....Chris Parnell Plucky Ducky.....Will Forte Stage Manager.....Jimmy Fallon Cory.....Christina Aguilera Chip Peters: Welcome back to the "Plucky Ducky Fun Hour" - entertaining our city's children for the past fifteen years. [ takes a deep breath ] Yes.. I love the kids. [ quickly ] And.. the kids love me! It's been a fun morning so far, hasn't it, Plucky Ducky? [ cut to Forte dressed in a ridiculous cartoon duck costume, flapping his wings in a half-menacing manner. a few of his feathers fly loose each time he moves his wings. ] Plucky Ducky: That's right, Chip! I mean.. Quack quack quack! Chip Peters: Ha ha, Plucky, you're quite the kidder! Now, before we took a few moments out for our sponsors, we invited the kids in our studio to draw pictures of Plucky. Plucky, you had fun posing for the kids, didn't you? [ Plucky Ducky raises his wings and begins to strut in various muscle man poses, his wing feathers flying loose again with each pose ] Chip Peters: Ha ha ha! Oh, Plucky, you stop that! Your antics really brighten my day! [ Plucky Ducky raises his wings and comically thrusts them toward the camera, his wing feathers again flying loose ] Chip Peters: [ raising his voice in a tone that would go unnoticed to a child ] Okay, Plucky, that's enough! Let's take a look at some of the drawings by the kids now, shall we? [ Chip steps among the bleachers area in the studio, stops in front of a small boy in a baseball cap ] Chip Peters: You look like an artistic young man. What's your name? Boy: Daniel. Chip Peters: Daniel? Not Daniel Boone, I suppose? Ha ha ha! Say, how old a young fellow are you, Daniel? Boy: Five and a half. Chip Peters: Oh. [ frowns grumpily ] Well, thanks for being so dead-on accurate with your figures. Anyway.. let's take a look at your drawing, Daniel. [ Daniel holds up his drawing, which appears on the screen in full: Plucky Ducky stands in a field of grass with a smiling sun in the upper left corner ] Chip Peters: This is the drawing you spent the last five minutes working on? Boy: Yes. Chip Peters: I see. [ turns it sideways for an alternate view ] Alright, now what the hell is this crap, Daniel? The last time I looked, the sun did not have a face on it! Boy: [ confused ] What? Chip Peters: You think this is funny, desecrating the majestic boldness of our solar system? Boy: I don't know.. I just wanted to draw a happy scene. Chip Peters: Oh, a happy scene? Well, that should guarantee you a job drawing for Disney when you grow up, is that the best you hope to do with your life? Boy: [ now visibly afraid ] No.. I want to be an astronaut when I grow up.. Chip Peters: Oh, really. Well, you'll be laughed right out of astronaut school if you think the sun has a face! I suppose you think there's cheese on the moon, too, don't you, you little twerp? Boy: What..? [ not sure what else to do, takes his seat on the bleachers ] Chip Peters: Yeah, you'd better sit. I know you're not my child, but I've never been more ashamed in my life. What did you think about Daniel's drawing, Plucky, did it capture the spirit of your essence? [ Plucky Ducky extends his wing and moves it up and down with an "Eh" expression, as feathers fly loose ] Chip Peters: Geez, I can tell I'm going to need a stiff one after the show. Let's move on to this little girl here. What is your name? Girl: Amanda. I'm 6 years old, and I want to be a nurse when I grow up! Chip Peters: Hey, did I ask what you want to do with your life? No, I didn't, did I? Let's stick with the format of the show, before I smack you in the temple, alright? Now, you drew a picture of Plucky during the break, correct? Girl: Yes. I love Plucky. Chip Peters: Wait, what's that you want to do to a duck? [ laughs maniacally, to a quiet studio ] You kids are so unsophisticated. Alright, let's take a look at your drawing. [ Amanda holds up her drawing, which appears on the screen in full: Plucky Ducky stands on a sidewalk with a tiny house behind him in the distance; many lines are crooked and askew ] Chip Peters: Goddammit! See, now this is the kind of thing that pisses me off! I've seen monkey fetuses that can draw a straighter line! Girl: [ confused ] Monkey what? Chip Peters: Why did you make Plucky look like a Puerto Rican penguin? This is horrible artwork! Don't you agree, Plucky? [ Plucky Ducky raises his wing to cover his face in shame at the child's pathetic drawing, as his feathers fly loose ] Girl: But.. I'm only 6.. Chip Peters: [ gritting his teeth ] Which means that's six years you've wasted being a jack-off! Take some drawing lessons and then call me, ass-munch! [ Amanda turns away and cries ] Chip Peters: Yeah, go cry. See if that improves your art skills. [ Plucky Ducky raises his wings to his eyes and mocks the crying child, as those feathers continue to fly loose ] Chip Peters: Yeah, you go, Plucky! I hope she does cry. Maybe the tears will wash away that disgraceful toilet wipe she's passing off as artwork! [ Plucky Ducky rubs his wings against his butt, then mimes pulling down pants he doesn't wear and promptly squats, feathers flying loose ] Chip Peters: God, you kids suck! In fifteen years, I've never seen a more pathetic group of mealy worms in my life! Let's just go to a cartoon, and when we come back we'll show these kids what else they can do with a crayon. Roll tape! [ cartoony music sounds off-camera, as Chip lowers his microphone and sighs ] [ Stage Manager enters the stage ] Stage Manager: Chip! What the hell are you doing, what's gotten into you, man? Chip Peters: I'm sorry, Carl, but I can't work among these untalented hacks! Stage Manager: Chip, they're kids! They're not supposed to know any better. But you are! You're over here cussing up a storm and threatening small children. Chip Peters: I guess I just cracked. The truth is, I've been on the brink for about the past three years, I knew this day was coming. Why can't they just try? I whipped my kids into shape, why do I have to play policeman for everyone else's kids, too? Stage Manager: Chip, no one's asking you to play policeman. Or fireman, or neurosurgeon, or whatever else you got into trouble for playing at that cathouse last week. Just take some Pepto and Tylenol, and get over it. Your outbursts are costing us in the ratings. Chip Peters: It's not my outbursts! We're losing our ratings share because these kids don't art from a sneeze in a handkerchief! Stage Manager: Just grin and bear it, okay? Please. And, Plucky. What's going on, man, what's your excuse? You're supposed to be peppy and excited, instead you're squatting on the ground taking invisible dumps! Plucky Ducky: I'm sorry, Carl, I.. I was just following Chip's lead. Stage Manager: Well, don't let Chip's outbursts lead you astray from the script, alright? Plucky Ducky: I don't know what to say.. my background's in improv. Stage Manager: Alright. Guys, let's just forget it, okay? The cartoon's almost over, let's restore a little order to the show. Are we ready? Chip Peters: Yes. I'll be fine. [ Chip steps back out into the bleachers ] Chip Peters: Alright! Did you kids enjoy that cartoon? [ the kids remain silent, petrified with fear ] Chip Peters: Okay, the kids are still working on their drawings of Plucky, let's take a look at some more of them. You look like a cute girl, let's see your drawing. [ a buxom pre-teen girls stands amid the crowd of children ] Cory: My name is Cory with a C, and I drew this portrait of Plucky at the Last Supper. [ Cory holds up her portraited, framed and under glass, which appears on the screen in full: Plucky Ducky at the Last Supper, in what appears to be nothing more than a crudely-drawn duck painted over a real Last Supper print ] Chip Peters: Clearly, Cory, your drawing is a forgery. Not that only that, but you forget to draw beards on several of the apostles. Cory: Ha ha. Oops! Are you going to yell at me now, Chip? Chip Peters: No.. I suppose I'm not. Cory: Oh, come on! Call me a skanky whore who wouldn't know a paintbrush from a slip-on! Chip Peters: No, I'm sorry, I was advised to control my temper. Cory: But my drawing sucks, won't you throw me over your knee and spank me for misbehaving? [ Chip nervously looks toward Plucky, who slowly raises his feather-dripping arms above his head. Chip then lunges at Cory with open hands, as station logo appears on-screen ] Announcer: The Plucky Ducky Fun Hour has been cancelled, and will be replaced with reruns of Teeing Off With Father Tim. You're watching Christian Cable Television, Roanoke, Virginia. [ fade ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
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