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Mr. Lawson (Cable customer).....Will Forte Raynisha (Cable Co’s customer call center rep.....Maya Rudolph Mr. Lawson: (talking to himself) Alrighty, the wife and kids are at soccer practice, time to order up a pay per view movie and relax. (Mr. Lawson picks up his remote and accesses the on screen pay per view menu.) Mr. Lawson: Ahh bad boys 2, you just can’t go wrong with Will Smith can you. (He confirms the order with his remote and sits back anticipating the start of the flick.) Mr. Lawson: (singing to self) Bad boys what cha gonna do…what cha gonna do when they….Whoa. (A naked couple startles him on his screen engaging in a lewd sexual act, he appears confused.) Mr. Lawson: That’s not Will Smith or Martin Lawrence, this must be a mistake. I hate these stupid remotes; I’d better call the cable company and cancel this right away. (He finds a cable bill and gets the 1-800 customer service number and calls it.) Raynisha: Thank you for callin Cabletron this is Raynisha speaking how may I assist you today. Mr. Lawson: Ahem, yes Raynisha this here is Mr. Lawson from 7 Petunia drive, I seem to have ordered the wrong pay per view movie and was wondering if you could cancel it. Raynisha: Sure just a sec while I access your account. Mr. Lawson: Oh that’s just great ya see I meant to order Bad boys 2, me and the wife are big Will Smith fans and… Raynisha: (Interrupting) Umm… I’m sorry sir; this sort of movie cannot be cancelled once ordered. Mr. Lawson: Well why, I’m sure you can see I only ordered it a minute or two ago so what’s the problem? Raynisha: Well sir, this selection is from our adult menu and they cannot be cancelled once they’re ordered. Mr. Lawson: But just last week my son Adam ordered Finding Nemo without permission, and you guys were able to cancel that almost 10 minutes into it! Raynisha: Sir, most people only need these types of movies for just a minute or two so you can see our logic here. Mr. Lawson: Ok now that’s just insulting, I am a married man missy and I assure you this was just an honest mistake. Raynisha: Yea uh huh, well is there anything else I can do for you Mr. Lawson. Mr. Lawson: Yes put a manager or a supervisor on the phone because this is just ridiculous. I have been a customer of yours for 15 years, I’ve had the preferred family plus package for 10 and I deserve satisfaction. Raynisha: Ok well my manager cannot do a thing about this; as a matter of fact she will not even discuss issues of this nature. People used to take advantage of our adult pay per view service, so that’s why we had to initiate this policy last year. Mr. Lawson: Well that’s just great, now I have to pay for this ridiculous movie. Raynisha: Junk in the Trunk 17… Mr. Lawson: Excuse me young lady.. Raynisha: The movie you ordered is called Junk in the Trunk 17 and it’s $8.95. It will be itemized on your cable bill as well. Mr. Lawson: What, I thought movies of an adult nature do not show up on Pay per view bills. Raynisha: That’s just in hotels; we have to include them on cable bills so our customers know exactly what they are being charged for. Mr. Lawson: OK now Raynisha, I’m sorry I got a little hot under the collar there but please, I beg you, can you find a way to change that on the bill. Raynisha: I’m sorry sir once you hit that button on your remote confirming the order it can never be changed. Mr. Lawson: OK now I’m begging, Please!!! There has to be a way to change it. You don’t understand, my wife has very low self-esteem and if she sees that I ordered this Trunk movie she will flip out!!! Raynisha: Ok well I cannot help you further, so once again do you have anything else I can help you with? Mr. Lawson: Raynisha, are you going to be able to live with the fact that you have ruined a good man’s marriage. Are you gonna tell my kids that daddy doesn’t live here anymore? Are you? Raynisha: Mr. Lawson, I’m sure if you just explained the mistake to your wife she will understand. Mr. Lawson: No Raynisha, not by a long shot. Ya see my wife is FUCKING INSANE!!! And not just regular run of the mill insane, but Retardedly Insane. If you can live with contributing to my wife’s inevitable retardedly insane fit that she is gonna throw, that will send my family into a wicked downward spiral, then I guess I have no other business for you to attend to. Raynisha: (3 beats) Thank you for choosing Cabletron. (The call is ended and Mr. Lawson is now standing in his living room looking dejected. He looks over at the remote on the nightstand.) Mr. Lawson: You….you’ve made my life so much easier for many years. Now because I pressed the wrong one of your buttons you’re about to make my life much much harder…Ironically the more I think about it, remote’s are a lot like women. (Mr. Lawson looks over at the TV and seems enticed by the erotic scene. He unzips his pants and sits back down on the couch.) Mr. Lawson: Well, it’s paid for, now lets see that junk wiggle!!! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
