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.....Jimmy Fallon .....Tina Fey Whoopi Goldberg.....Ellen Cleghorne "Just John Kruk".....Fred Armisen Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey. Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories! In a interview this week, First Lady Laura Bush called gay marriage “shocking” to which the gay community called the first lady’s fashion sense and hairstyle “shocking”! British lawmakers are considering a “fatty food tax”. Oh great! This is just another thing that will be introduced in America, it will pass through legislation and the political fat cats will be exempt from the tax and Dick Cheney will forever be known as “Vice President Heart Attack waiting to happen…again!” Jimmy Fallon: Reports from Iraq on Thursday presume that two more Americans were killed on Wednesday. Bring the total of American deaths to…100 million, I think. A side note, these two killings were actually from friendly fire, meaning the killings occurred by the shooting from the same side of combat. Why is this scaring me, now? Why am I getting the feeling that there are a bunch of Dan Quayle’s working guns in Iraq? In Ethiopia, a bride was accidentally killed during a wedding reception when a grenade from one of the heavily armed revelers fell to the ground and went off. We here at Weekend Update want to congratulate the lucky woman that caught the bride's spleen; those wedding bells shouldn't be far off now! Tina Fey: After yet another poor showing in this week’s primary, Howard Dean ended his bid for the democratic nomination. After deciding to end his bid, Dean held a press conference. There were no survivors. And now, here with a commentary is Whoopi Goldberg. Whoopi Goldberg: Thank you, Tina. As you know, SNL recently released actor Jeff Richards. Now baby, you’re gone. You gotta move on. The last thing this show needed anyway is one more ugly white boy. I mean, between you and that Forte guy, I been having heart attacks. So the last thing I need is to see you coming on my TV screen, doing commentaries after you’re gone. They should change Saturday Night Live to Ugly White Boy Live if you’re gonna keep coming back. But that’s not what I came here to talk about. You’re just so ugly, I’m having trouble thinking about the rest. Now hun, you gotta understand, they ain’t letting you back. The last thing they want is to be giving cast members that got fired from the show time to come on and rant about whatever they want. You gotta find another deal, hun. I’m sure they’d let you do some Hollywood Squares. Put you next to Richard Simmons and Gilbert Gottfried and you won’t look half bad. And you won’t have to worry about people that won’t write for you. Which brings me to my final point. Don’t you hate it when writers use a character as just a mouthpiece for whatever they want to say? You’re going along, listening to them when all of the sudden, you realize the performer has no clue what’s going on, they’re just dancing like a puppet so that the writer can talk about whatever he wants. It’s like that new CD by Queens of the Stone Age, which is an absolutely fantastic album. The bass lines are superb. These guys truly are the heirs to the throne Led Zeppelin vacated so long ago. You may try to write them off as “pot rock,” but all that does is allow you to categorize them without accounting for their raw talent. Well, that’s what I really wanted to tell you all about, go out and buy “Songs for the Deaf” right now; no rock collection is complete without it! Tina Fey: Whoopi Goldberg, everybody! A study this week shows that aspirin may lower the chances of being diagnosed with Hodgkin’s disease. In further development of this study, it was revealed that aspirin can now relieve headaches as well. Jimmy Fallon: Astronomers have discovered a new force in the universe, known as dark energy, which may be the cause of the Big Bang. Scientists are still uncertain as to its further behavior, where it may cause a "big rip" by scattering the universe apart or a "big crunch" by collapsing it inward. On a much smaller scale, scientists also believe this dark energy may be responsible for Li'l Bow Wow. In an interview, this week, actor Ben Affleck said, “The media broke up my engagement to actress Jennifer Lopez!” Really Ben? Isn’t that a lot like saying ESPN caused the Detroit Tigers to lose nearly 120 games last season? Oh, right! I forgot you’re a Red Sox fan. 
Tina Fey: Natura, the first Christianity-themed nudist colony in the United States is due to open in Florida in April. I have only three words to say about this: "Lord.. Have.. Mercy."
Bill Martin, co-founder of Natura, claims that he can point out as many as 40 passages in the Bible where nudity is prominently mentioned. Oddly enough, none of the passages mention the phrases "butt cheek" or pierced vagina." You think you hate it now, but wait until you see this year's Spring Break special on EWTN! Jimmy Fallon: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to the update desk, all the way from Buffalo, New York, “Just John Kruk”! “Just John Kruk”: Thank you, Jimmy. So…. Jimmy Fallon: It’s good to see you, again. I understand you had an issue at the airport when you came into “Kennedy”? “Just John Kruk”: Yes, as a matter a fact, the issue was, they wouldn’t let me keep my barf bag from the airplane. Jimmy Fallon: It was empty, right? “Just John Kruk”: No, it was full! And the worst thing of all, it wasn’t even mine! Jimmy Fallon: I understand you don’t like President Bush. What’s the deal there? “Just John Kruk”: You know, I’m on the plane, reading the newspaper and it says President Bush has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. And I thought to myself, President Bush got nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize? It’s a lot like saying, “Hey, let’s give Donald Trump money, because he really needs it!” It’s that like nominating Jennifer Lopez for an Academy Award! Jimmy Fallon: Good one! “Just John Kruk”: You know, Jimmy, it’s good to be alive, even if we have no real person worthy of being president. Let’s look at what we have to decide between in November…John Kerry – uses “botox”. President Bush – wishes he could spell “botox”! Jimmy Fallon: I understand you have to leave. “Just John Kruk”: Yes, I do. I have to find a virgin in Brooklyn before the sun comes up or I lose 50 bucks. Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon! Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey! Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
