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.....Colin Firth .....Lorne Michaels .....Jimmy Fallon Himself / Drunk Girl.....Jeff Richards .....Jim Breuer .....Norm Mac Donald (Fade in on the hallways of Saturday Night Live) Lorne Michaels: Hey Colin, the show is going to start soon. Colin Firth: Thanks Lorne! You know Lorne; I’ve really had fun working with the players this week, but I have to admit this is really my first experience in an American Television studio. Lorne Michaels: Really? Well, why don’t Jimmy and I give you a tour of the studio? Colin Firth: That’d be great. You should know Lorne; English television is much different from your American television. Lorne Michaels: Oh really? Colin Firth: Yeah…English television is genuinely funny, where as your American television is cheap and recycled humor squeezed into insanely stupid sketches in late night programming. Jimmy Fallon: Ha! I guess that would explain this sketch, right Lorne? Lorne Michaels: (angrily) Shut up! These here are the archive closets. Colin Firth: What are these closets used for? Lorne Michaels: Well, some are actually used to hold archives, while others are used for the “worst case scenario” occurrences in television. Colin Firth: What do you mean? I don’t understand. Lorne Michaels: Well, in closet 4, here, we have some of the more “lackluster” moments in our show’s history: Charles Rocket’s on-air expletive, the “Tiny Elvis” skits, the entire 1994-’95 season, and the like. Colin Firth: (awestruck) Wow, sounds like quite an archive? Mind if I have a look in the closet? Lorne Michaels: (contemplating) Yeah, I guess if you want to. But you’ll need the proper gear. (Lorne gets a haz-mat suit hanging beside the closet and gives it to Colin, who starts putting it on) Lorne Michaels: Now, I must warn you, DO NOT look directly at any of the Stuart Smalley sketches. Men stronger than you have gone insane doing so. (He hugs Colin, who has finished putting on the suit. Lorne wipes a tear from his eye) Be safe, my friend. God speed. (Jimmy opens the door for Colin, and an ominous smoke billows out from the closet. He and Lorne salute the host as though he was a hero going off to war. Colin salutes them back, and walks valiantly into the closet. The door slams behind him) Jimmy Fallon: (emotionally, shaking his head) I pray the poor bastard makes it through. O.S. Voice: Michaels, I got something to tell you! Lorne Michaels: Who the hell is that? (Looks over his shoulder to see who’s calling him) Oh no, it’s them. (Jeff Richards, Jim Breuer and Norm Mac Donald come stomping onto the hallway, with Richards leading the pack. Breuer is dressed as Goat Boy, and Norm keeps mumbling to himself) Norm Macdonald: (hushed tone) I am a funny man; I had a sitcom on Fox. I am a funny man; I had a sitcom on Fox… Jeff Richards: Lorne, man, we need to talk. It’s been more than a month since you fired me, and I have a tooth to pick with you. I did great on the show; there was no reason to cut me loose. Jim Breuer: Got that right, man. That’s why we’re here to lend our support, because we too have suffered unfair layoffs under your tyrannical regime. Drunk Girl and Goat Boy forever! Maaaaaaaaa! Norm Mac Donald: Yeah, yeah, we didn’t deserve that shabby treatment. My boy Jeff here, like Jim and I, should have received dignity and respect, like other experienced professionals. You know, like crack whores! (Nervously) Eh, ha ha. Crack whores, they’re professionals… of a sort. (Everyone looks at Norm in utter disbelief at his horrible joke, and then resume their normal stances. Norm stares at his feet in shame) Lorne Michaels: Jim, Norm, I think it’s wonderful you’re backing Jeff on his protest, but I’m afraid his behavior was inexcusable. Jeff Richards: Aw, come on, Lorne, what could I have done? Lorne Michaels: Jimmy, the list, please. (Jimmy pulls out a small stack of note cards from his pocket and begins to read off of them) Jimmy Fallon: Jeff, since the beginning of the season, you unleashed the “My Doom” virus on the NBC computer mainframe. Jeff Richards: (defensively) How was I supposed to know it was a virus? The header said “hi.” I had to open the attachment. It was the polite thing to do. Jim Breuer: Good manners, see, that’s what you want in a cast member. Jimmy Fallon: You funneled money to Yasir Arafat, which was used to finance bloody terrorist actions. Jeff Richards: (puzzled) Arafat, I thought that money was going to Aristide, the guy from Haiti. (A beat, as judgmental gazes fall upon him) I mean, I have no idea how that happened. Norm MacDonald: You know what else you should have on there, Jimmy; O.J. did it! (Again, they all look at him in disbelief as he laughs nervously.) Jim Breuer: Why did we even bring you along, man? You haven’t said one funny thing since we got together? Norm MacDonald: (angrily) Ah, you’re one to talk, Pesci! You’ve got fewer lines than I do in this skit. (Jim Breuer shows shock at this revelation.) Jimmy Fallon: (still reading from the cards) And of course, there was the infamous Alex Rodriguez-chocolate syrup incident in Lorne’s office. (Jeff shrugs in embarrassment.) Lorne Michaels: (sternly) It took the cleaning crew four days to get that mess out. And you know that I do not like having to pay Horatio and Maya time and a half. Jeff Richards: (meekly) Um… I’m sorry. Norm MacDonald: Yeah, sorry, you want to see sorry, look at Bill Clinton! Eh heh heh heh. (Jeff puts his arm around Norm’s shoulder) Jeff Richards: Norm, maybe it would be best if you just let us handle this. It doesn’t really seem to fit your, uh, your “style.” Jim Breuer: (spitefully) Yeah, it requires wit and intellect. (Under his breath) Less lines than Mac Donald, huh? I’ll show them what happens when I get fewer lines. Jeff Richards: (fake sympathetically) So, Norm, maybe you should go, we can take it from here. (In a display of anger, Norm shoves Jeff’s arm off.) Norm MacDonald: (mad as hell) Oh yeah, all right, yeah, you can shun me now and toss me out like yesterday’s garbage. But I’ll be back, I’ll have my retribution, and I’ll make sure you pay. When I come back, I’ll be bringing the toughest bad ass around to make you suffer. You guessed it, John Tesh!!! Lorne, Jeff and the two Jims: (in unison) OUT! (Norm huffs, stomps his foot, and walks away. Lorne turns to face Jeff.) Lorne Michaels: Now Jeff, I could let you back on the show, but you’ll need to be willing to make a few sacrifices. The pay will be lower. Jeff Richards: That’s no problem. Lorne Michaels: You’ll be in fewer sketches for a while. Jeff Richards: Hey, more personal time for me. Lorne Michaels: And finally, to prove your dedication… (He turns to Jimmy Fallon) Jimmy, show our friend the Reinstatement Garments. Jimmy Fallon: As you wish, my master. (Jimmy reaches into a suitcase by his side, opens it, and pulls out a pair of cat ears with a French maid’s outfit. He looks at Jeff lustily.) You’re going to be a very pretty girl tonight, Jeff. (He puts the sexy clothes in Jeff’s arms.) Jeff Richards: (utterly shocked) Lorne, you, you can’t be serious, man! Lorne Michaels: Hey, Meadows and Parnell had to do the same thing when they got hired back. But if this is too good for you… (He smirks sinisterly.) Jeff Richards: (sweating nervously, unsure of what to do. He sighs as he makes his decision) Okay Lorne, I’ll do it. (Breaks into Drunk Girl) Lorne, do you wanna see my thong? Lorne Michaels: Hot damn, yes! Drunk Girl: Do you wanna see my thong? Do you wanna see my thong? (Drunk Girl leads Lorne down the hallway to Lorne’s office; the two Jims are left behind) Jimmy Fallon: So, uh, you wanna go do some blow? Jim Breuer: Only if we can do off of Tina’s ass! Jimmy Fallon: I like your thinking! Jim Breuer: Cool, let’s go. (The two Jims head off, leaving the scene empty. The door to Closet 4 opens and Colin Firth steps out in a cloud of noxious smoke. He pulls of his headgear, and his face is revealed, contorted in an expression of fright.) Colin Firth: (gasping for air, utterly terrified) Dear God, I never knew such horrors existed. (Still hyperventilating, he turns to face the camera.) Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night! (Fade to opening credits) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
