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Buzz.....Colin Firth Sal Jr......Will Forte Andrew.....Seth Meyers Chopper Number Clive.....Kenan Thompson Killer Ralphie.....Chris Parnell Alynna.....Amy Poehler Martin.....Fred Armisen [ Int. Radio Station – Day ] [ Buzz and Sal Jr., loosely dressed in ragged t-shirts, at control board of 103.5 WROC Solid Rock. Bush’s “Machinehead” plays in background, fades out. ] Buzz: You’re listening to Buzz and Sal Jr. on 103.5 WROC Solid Rock. As you know, we’re giving away tickets to see Irongear at the Arena tonight; all you gotta do is call in and answer some Irongear trivia at 555 – 3838 as soon as you hear Sal Jr. say something stupid. Sal Jr.: Buzz, we’re never going to be able to give these tickets away like that. Buzz: Now, I see your calls coming in, and I know what you guys are thinking, but the judges aren’t giving us that one. You probably won’t have much longer to wait though. Coming up, a traffic report from Chopper Number Clive, but first, I gotta tell ya, I had this great steak wrap for lunch. What did you have, Sal Jr.? Sal Jr.: [ proud ] Cup-a-Noodle [ a beat, then frantic ] Oh crap, I left it in the microwave again… [ runs off ] Buzz: And the board is on fire! Let’s take the first caller. [ flicks a switch ] Hello, you’re on the air with Buzz and Sal Jr., answering Irongear trivia for tickets to the show tonight. What’s your name? Andrew V/O: Andrew Buzz: Alright, Andy, now tell me, which member of Irongear lost his dog to a cocaine overdose? Think carefully, remember, his dog, not his cat or his snake. Andrew V/O: Oh, that’s easy, Dave Anger. [ correct buzzer ] Buzz: Congratulations, you won two tickets to the show tonight; just tell me what station is Solid Rock? [ silence ] Sal Jr.: [ rushing in, carrying soup cup gingerly, placing it on a table away from electronics ] Alright, I’m back. Andrew V/O: Ummm... Sal Jr.: What’s up everybody Buzz: You already answered the trivia, Andy, all you gotta tell us is which station is Solid Rock Andrew V/O: [ exasperated ] Huh. I should know this. I really should… It’s just sitting in the back of my mind there… Sal Jr.: [ obnoxiously loud whisper to Buzz ] What did I miss? [ eats soup ] Buzz: This really shouldn’t be a big deal, Andy. [ Chopper Number Clive enters, wearing a cheap, oddly-colored suit ] Andrew V/O: [ uncertain ] I think it starts with an M… I’m just not really sure… Buzz: We got Chopper Number Clive in the studio now, waiting on Andrew who’s trying to tell us which station is Solid Rock. Andrew V/O: Why don’t you guys go on to the traffic, I’m still thinking. Buzz: [ patronizing ] Alright, we’ll be checking back in with Andrew in a minute, you all set to go, Clive? Clive: Yeah [ Buzz flips a switch, cueing a station promo ] Announcer V/O: [ a deep, hard rock station announcer voice ] It’s time for a traffic report with Chopper Number Clive, on 103.5 WROC, Solid Rock Chopper Number Clive: Today’s traffic is sponsored by Tony’s Cucumbers, you could buy a more expensive cucumber, but why? And by Stuff Your Grandfather Drinks Package Store, for when you’ve finally decided to stop being a pussy about getting drunk. Uh, it’s two o’clock on a Saturday, so there’s really no one out there; I just really need the overtime this week. I’m Chopper Number Clive with traffic on 103.5 WROC, Solid Rock. Buzz: Let’s check back in with Andrew, who’s taking far too long to answer this easy question. Andy, are you still there? Andrew V/O: Yeah… I think I almost got it Buzz: Andy, you know you already answered the trivia question right, we can just give you the tickets… Andrew V/O: [ defensive ] I’ll get it, I’ll get it. You don’t have to break the rules for me. [ Buzz flips a switch, cueing a station promo ] Announcer V/O: You’re listening to the only station that is Solid Rock, 103.5 FM WROC, Solid Rock. Buzz: [ slowly ] Andy, what is the only station that is Solid Rock? [ Buzz flips a switch, cueing a station promo ] Announcer V/O: You are listening to 103.5 WROC, the only station that is Solid Rock. This is the only station that is Solid Rock. There are no other Solid Rock stations. 103.5 FM WROC is your only source for Solid Rock. Andrew V/O: I’m thinking, I’m thinking… Buzz: Andy, is your radio on? Andrew V/O: Yeah… Buzz: Just checkin’ [ Buzz flips a switch, cueing a station promo ] Announcer V/O: Just say 103.5 WROC, moron. Sal Jr.: 103.5 WRO— Andrew V/O: [ interrupting ] Don’t help me! [ Buzz flips a switch, cueing a station promo ] Announcer V/O: Hey Andrew, the f[ bleep ]ing answer is 103.5 WROC. We’ve had a lot of f[ bleep ]ing idiots call in before, but you’re the first one that’s this f[ bleep ]ing stupid. 103.5 WROC. Andrew V/O: It’s right on the tip of my tongue… It’s just like dancing there. [ Killer Ralphie enters, a high class man in full business attire ] Buzz: Hey, everyone, Killer Ralphie, our producer here at 103.5 WROC Solid Rock, just walked in. Killer Ralphie: Buzz, we’re having a station reformat—and also, you’re fired. Buzz: What!? [ standing up ] Andrew V/O: Oh, bummer man. Killer Ralphie: Buzz, cut that guy off. [ Andrew is dropped ] Our ratings have fallen one hundred and sixty three percent since five minutes ago. Look, if you can’t even handle ticket giveaways correctly, you have no future here at 103.5 FM, home of epic orchestra. [ Alynna enters, wearing a casual evening gown, sits in Buzz’s chair ] [ Alynna flips a switch, cueing a station promo ] Announcer V/O: [ lite, female voice ] Sit back and enjoy life with 103.5 FM WROC, your home for epic orchestra. Buzz: This is bullshit. [ storms out ] Killer Ralphie: I gotta go make sure he doesn’t touch my fish tank. Oh, and anyone that calls me Killer Ralphie again gets sacked. [ exits ] Alynna: Welcome on this Saturday afternoon. We have a performance of Beethoven’s 4th by the London Symphony coming up, but first we have tickets to tonight’s performance by the Metropolitan Orchestra at the Stuffy Richguy Opera Hall. Call us here at 555 – 3838. Hello, you’re on the air, who is this? Martin V/O: Martin. Sal Jr.: Hey, Marty. Alynna: Congratulations, Martin, you just won front row tickets. Tell us, what station is your home for epic orchestra? Martin V/O: Umm… Crap! I know this one… [ fade out ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
