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Woman.....Maya Rudolph Officer.....Colin Firth Chief.....Horatio Sanz 2nd Officer.....Fred Armisen V/O.....Darrell Hammond Sergeant.....Will Forte Child, short man.....Actors [Open on an empty black screen. White letters flash on and off in silence: “COMING THIS NOVEMBER”] [Cut to a mother sitting on a park bench in a virtually deserted park. She is rocking a baby in her arms, playing with it, amusing it. A young child, about 5 years old, runs up to the mother and tugs on her sweater.] Child: Mom! Watch me! Mother: (laughing) Ok, honey. [The kid runs back into the playground.] Mother: But don’t be too long, we have to be back for dinner by 6! [Cut to a police station. A police officer walks into the office of the chief with the same woman from the first scene behind him, she is crying profusely.] Officer: Chief, we have another, uh, (looks around the room in suspicion, then stands closer to the chief so the woman is unable to hear him) S-H-O-R... Chief: Jesus, that’s the third one this week! (The chief turns to the woman) Ma’am, can you tell me what happened? Woman: (trying to be audible over her tears) my son was just playing in the park, and then... and then... this other boy with a beard wanted to play... Chief: Oh no... Woman: ‘Oh no’?! What do you mean ‘oh no’?! What happened to my son?! Chief: I’m sorry ma’am, I’m afraid he’s one of them now. [Cut to the sound of a heartbeat over a slow pan up from the ground that reveals a man about 4 feet tall. As a the camera blinks in unison with the heartbeat, we see the man’s shoes; his waist; his torso; his face; as the camera continues to pan upwards several feet above his head.] V/O: This November, in theatres everywhere. [Cut to a reaction shot of the chief of police.] V/O: Don’t. [Cut to a reaction shot of the woman from the park.] V/O: Look. [Cut to a shot of a short man charging at the camera.] V/O: Down. [Loud, pump-up music starts to play as we see shots of police officers on their knees fighting men in parking lots, women clutching their children and running, and large monuments being pushed to the ground by many short men.] [Cut to the police station. The officer is talking to the chief, with a second officer standing in the corner who remains silent.] Officer: Chief, we can’t hide on top of high ledges and dressers forever! We have to reason with them! Chief: This is my station, I’m the chief, and we do what I say! (The chief picks up a walkie-talkie and speaks into it.) Send in the tanks. [The officer stares him down.] Officer: (quietly) you son-of-a-bitch. [The officer exits, slamming the chief’s door behind him. The chief looks over to the second officer in somewhat questioning disbelief.] 2nd Officer: His mother was short. [Cut to the chief and an army sergeant sitting inside a tank.] Chief: Here they come! [The sergeant begins to pull up on the handle inside the tank but is struggling significantly.] Sergeant: It won’t! It won’t go that low! Chief: Well do something! [The two men scream as the tank rocks back and forth violently.] [Cut to a close-up shot of the woman.] Woman: (whispering) I think we’re safe here. [The camera pans backwards and shows the woman sitting in a tree with one of the police officers. The screen goes black. We hear the woman scream.] V/O: When small men do big things... [White letters flash on and off in unison with the voiceover: “DAYS OF WAR” V/O: Days or war. Directed by Alan Smithee. FADE Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
