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Father.....Chris Parnell Billy.....Will Forte Mother.....Amy Poehler (Scene opens to home where Father is reading credit card statement.) Father: What the hell, BILLY GET IN HERE! (Billy a teenage boy walks in room.) Father: Son, I know you just took your senior class trip to New York over Christmas break, and I lent you my credit card. Billy: Yeah. Father: Well, I’m not upset about the money you spent; I’m upset on what you spent it on. Billy: Like what? Father: (Points at statement.) Like this, from the minibar you bought two liters of Coke. Damn son, that’s a lot of cocaine. Billy: Oh come on Dad, Coke is Coca-Cola! Father: Lame excuse. (Looks back at statement.) Here you went to a restaurant called “McDonalds”. Huh, never heard of it. Oh, and you ordered more Coke here! Christ, you’re addicted! Billy: No I’m not dad! Father: We’ll talk about that later, but I’m even more shocked by this. It says you ordered two movies, which I’m guessing are adult films, called The Italian Job and Holes! Billy: Wait, Holes is the movie with the kids in it! Father: Oh, so your into that sort of thing, that’s just gross. Frankly Billy, I’m worried about you. I found these in your bedroom (Holds up bag of red and orange water balloons.) You have condoms! Do you even have a girlfriend? Billy: Dad, your taking this way too far and I think when Mom gets home we need to have a talk. (Mother walks through the door.) Mother: Billy, I got your Coke at the store! Father: So your mother is your supplier! I suppose “store” is some code word for a guy named Juan on 5th street! You sicken me! (Father storms out of room.) Mother: What was that all about? Billy: Oh, just a misunderstanding! Mother: Its been a rough day, I need to talk with my friend Jack Daniels. (Father rushes back in room.) Father: HAH! Jack Daniels! I caught you now! Mother: Okay, you caught me, I was going to drink whiskey what are you going to do about it? Father: (stunned by last statement) Uhh… well I don’t know. Mother: I know how paranoid you are, you can’t stand your own vices so you cover up yours by trying to pin vices on us. Father: Okay, it’s true. I have a lot of problems. I’ve had 268 affairs, and some of them weren’t even with women. Billy: Eww, dad that’s gross. Father: I know son, I’ve also had over 6 different kinds of Chlamydia, some of those also not from women. Mother: Oh honey, I forgive you. Father: Really? Mother: Hell no, come on Billy let’s get the hell out of here. Billy: Yeah, you sicken me dad! (Father looks sad for seconds then gets happy look on face. Goes over to telephone and dials number.) Father: Hello, are these the owners of Scrapps the dog? Oh great, look I really need to see Scrapps tonight and… hello…hello. Damn it! What does a man have to do to get a dog in this town? (Sketch fades out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
