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Greg.....Fred Armisen Elle.....Amy Poehler Girl.....Rachel Dratch INT. DORM ROOM – DAY A girl, ELLE, and guy, GREG, sit on a bed. They're obviously college students. Greg: Nice dorm room Elle. Elle: Thanks Greg. See anything else you like? Elle gives Greg a look - “please come and ravage me.” Greg: Oh, I sure do. Greg and Elle start making out. Elle starts to unbuckle Greg’s belt, but GREG becomes distracted by a picture on the wall. Greg: You like horses a lot, huh? Elle: Yeah. Most girls go through their horse phase, but I never got out of mine. There’s just something about them. Such a powerful animal. Especially the Black Stallion. Greg: Oh? Is that one there in the photo? Elle: Yeah, they’re my favorite to ride. Extremely large, but very comfy. GREG looks at the picture of the Black Stallion. He tilts his head to the side observing the horse’s maleness. Greg: I’d say large is accurate. Elle: So enough talk about horses. Where were we... They start to make out again. Elle makes a little more progress with Greg’s pants. He’s distracted again. Greg: I didn’t know you were an artist? Elle: Well I’m not really. I just sort of do it for fun. I’m not that good or anything. GREG studies the wall. Greg: I see your favorite subject is the Cucumber. Elle: Yeah, I kind of became obsessed with the cucumber. I skipped apples, pears, grapes, went straight to the cucumber. Greg: I see. Elle: That one there is my favorite. Even though it was kind of small...only about 8 inches. Greg: That’s small? Elle: Oh yeah, some cucumbers can grow up to over 1 foot long and weight around twenty five pounds. Greg: (scared) Oh...really? I-I didn’t know that. Elle: But enough about big cucumbers... Elle goes for Greg’s zipper, but Greg fights her hands away. He sees something else. Greg: Good Lord! Th-that’s quite a sculpture there? Elle: Which one? Greg: Th-the naked man... Elle: Oh, yeah. That was a lot of fun to make. I like abstract stuff. Greg: B-but...don’t you think a NASA rocket is a little extreme for the...I mean it’s... Elle: You’d think so (chuckles) but that was inspired by a live model. Greg: (mesmerized) Oh my God... Elle: Yep. It was pretty weird staring at a naked guy with a bunch of people though. Greg: I can imagine. Elle: Yeah, it also didn’t help that the model was my ex-boyfriend. Greg: Alrighty! Look at the time. The telephone rings. Elle: Ugh! Let me get that, but I’ll be right with you in a minute. Elle slides her hand up Greg’s thigh. He jumps up. She picks up the phone. Elle: (on the phone) Hey. Really? Wow, that is big. Oh, I don’t know yet. I’m crossing my fingers though. Greg fiddles with the nude man sculpture. He measures the rocket with his fingers. Greg: I think I’m gonna leave now. Elle: (on the phone) I gotta go. Call you later to give you a full report. Elle hangs up the phone. Greg: I’ll see you later Elle. Elle: Don’t go. We were just getting started. KNOCK! KNOCK! Somebody’s at the door. Elle sighs. Elle: Sorry about all these interruptions. Come in! Girl (DRATCH) walks into the room. Girl: I’m here for the “Giant Penises Matter” meeting. Elle: Oh, you didn’t get my email? It’s been postponed till next week. Greg is rushing out the door. Elle: Hey, where are you going? Greg: Uh...I really gotta finish building my sock drawer... Elle: Wait! She grabs Greg before he leaves. Elle: I’m sorry Greg. All of this... it’s all just an act. It’s not really me. I...I don’t even like large...well you know. Greg: Oh, you don’t? Then why do you celebrate the large penis by holding meetings in your dorm room?! Elle: You don’t know what it’s like... being the only girl who prefers a smaller...well you know. Greg pauses and ponders her words. Greg: Really? Elle: Yes. The peer pressure is overwhelming. Greg: I had no idea. Elle walks over and sits on the bed. Elle: Now why don’t you come back over here? Greg sits next to her. Greg: Can we turn off the lights? Elle turns off the lights. It’s pitch-black. We hear rustling and a zipper. Elle: Okay, well small’s one thing, but microscopic is another. Greg makes pathetic whimper noise. The End Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
