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Announcer.....Don Pardo Himself/Steven Spielberg.....Colin Firth Tobey Maguire.....Seth Meyers Gary Ross.....Fred Armisen Frank Marshalls.....Horatio Sanz Kathleen Kennedy.....Rachel Dratch Legolas.....Jimmy Fallon Aragorn.....Darrell Hammond Gollum.....Chris Kattan (Special Guest) Keisha Castle-Hughes.....Maya Rudolph Charlize Theron.....Amy Poehler Johnny Depp.....Will Forte Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Colin Firth! Colin Firth: (Jogs into home base, to applause.) Hello, and welcome to Saturday Night Live! I'm so honored to be here, especially considering that the Academy Awards were last weekend, and I wasn't really a prominent figure there this year. Actually, I wasn't there at all…too bad I wasn't in Lord of the Rings. How about that movie, eh? Completely swept the Oscars, it did. You know, I was thinking while I was watching them announce best picture, what if…(Assumes a "thinking" pose; screen swirls and mystical music plays. When the screen focuses again, we see the "Academy Awards 2004" return-from-commercial screen.") Announcer: And now for the moment you've all been waiting for, the Academy announces the winner for Best Picture. (Stage, Steven Spielberg standing at the podium, about to open the envelope. He looks somewhat bored, he pretty much knows who the winner will be.) Spielberg: And the Oscar goes to…(Actor opens envelope, reads it. Squints at it again, to make sure he's read it right. Pause as Spielberg stares in shock at the card. He finally reads it.) ….Seabiscuit! (A pause, then scattered applause, the producers of Seabiscuit walk onstage.) Ross: Wow. I really can't believe this. This is truly… Maguire: (Nudges Ross out of the way, slowly. He speaks and moves very slowly.) Hey! I can't believe this!…There are so many…people…I'd like…to thank. First and foremost…I'd like to thank God for… (An arrow shot from off the left side of the screen hits Maguire mid-sentence, and he stiffly crumples to the ground. Legolas stomps on stage.) Legolas: You think you're sooo badass, don't you, because you can ride a horse? Well guess what? I can too! And I'm prettier. (The other producers are looking confused and horrified when Aragorn strides up from the other side of the stage and whacks them all over with the flat of his sword. They fall over like a stack of dominoes.) Aragorn: You think you can make a stupid movie about a friggin' horse and defeat Return of the King for Best Picture? Not if I have anything to say about it! Legolas, where is the Oscar? (Legolas is looking inside the podium) Legolas: Ahh…I can't seem to find it. Aragorn: (Turns to the announcers) Where is it? (The announcers are looking confused when a taunting, familiar voice echoes around them, and they all look to see where it's coming from.) Gollum: We won't let the stupid mens or elveseseses get it, noo, preciousss…(Legolas suddenly points towards the audience; camera shows Gollum crouching in one of the aisles, clutching the Oscar.) Ho-o-o-o-o-oh! It is mine, precious! If you thought tonight was boring, heeere'ss a little exsssscitement! Legolas: Come on, Gollum. Everyone knows you're just pissed because you weren't nominated for anything. You weren't even invited! Gollum: Yess I wasss! Gollum has TWO dates---one for each alter ego. Keeeisha and Charlizezeze…(Keisha Castle-Hughes [on knees to appear shorter] appears on his left side with a dazed look on her face, Charlize Theron appears on his right, smiling.) Aragorn: I really hope you're kidding, Gollum. One of those girls is only thirteen! Gollum: Watch thisss! (Turns to Keisha) Are you having a good tiiime, Keissha? Keisha: (No reaction for a moment, then she twitches in sudden comprehension.) …Where am I? Gollum: That'sss a good girl. I likes good little girlss….(switches to alter ego, turning to Charlize) Noooo!! Gollum likesss ugly ssserial killersss, yes, preciouss! (He grins at Charlize.) Charlize: Umm...you know, I'm not really like that… Aragorn: This is ridiculous. Can someone get the Oscar from him? Gollum: Nevverr! The preciouss is miine!! (Johnny Depp appears, causing Keisha to faint. He picks up Gollum, and throws him off screen as he shrieks. We see him fall into a random hole in the theater. It has a sign next to it reading "Rabbit hole." His shriek fades away.) Charlize: What the hell did you do that for, Johnny Depp? Now there's no Oscar. Depp: (He shrugs.) Pirate. Charlize: Huh? (Swirls back to Colin at home base.) Colin: (Still thinking, then snaps out of it.) Ah…sorry, sometimes I let my imagination run away with me. Anyway, we've got a great show for you tonight! Norah Jones is here, so stick around! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
