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Ted Koppel.....Darrell Hammond John Kerry.....Seth Meyers John Edwards.....Will Forte Al Sharpton.....Kenan Thompson Dennis Kucinich.....Amy Poehler .....Danny Glover (guest cameo) Announcer: This is ABC News Nightline. Reporting from Washington, here is Ted Koppel. (Dissolve to Ted Koppel in the studio) Ted Koppel: Good evening. I’m Ted Koppel and this is “Nightline”! Well, Super Tuesday has come and gone, however much to the effort of Democratic Party, everyone seems to want to talk about other things. Like, the Oscars…all the gay marriage especially Rosie O’Donnell’s! Or what about the Olson twins? Who really give one legitimate care about what happened in the Super Tuesday primaries? And now to help answer these burning questions is my panel of guests. Senator John Kerry, Senator John Edwards, The Reverend Al Sharpton and, who the hell knows what he hell does… Dennis Kucinich. Thank you for joining us this evening, gentlemen. All 4 Political guests: It’s good to be here, Ted. Ted Koppel: Mr. Kerry, let me start with you, what did you think of the Oscars? John Kerry: Ah, Ted, I was in New York at the time so, I didn’t get to see much or any of the Oscars. I apologize. Ted Koppel: Okay, Mr. Edwards? John Edwards: I saw some of the Oscars on Sunday and I have to say, I bet I’m taller than Billy Crystal! Ted Koppel: I’d sure bet on that. Dennis Kucinich? (Dennis Kucinich says nothing but makes slow motion political hand gestures like Tim Calhoun) Al Sharpton: Ted, I’d like to jump in here and say something. The current president is doing things that are just so un-god-like that it sickens me to see us on television discussing things that are so irrelevant. Gentlemen, the real issue here is how amazing Charlize Theron looked in that dress! Damn! Denny, you agree? (Dennis Kucinich gives thumbs up) Ted Koppel: John Kerry, I’d like to ask you something. Have you made any further consideration for your running mate? John Edwards, maybe or have you considered Johnny Depp? Every government needs a person, who can bring honor to being a pirate. And remember, John, you can’t discriminate because he’s missing an eye and has an odd accent. John Kerry: Ted, I understand what you are saying and I have to say, if I were going to pick Johnny Depp for my running mate, someone should just shoot me like I was a Kennedy. It’s clear that Bill Murray’s performance was highly, highly over looked this year! Bill Murray reminds me of our President when I see that film of his “Lost In Translation”. Bill Murray is in Japan and he doesn’t speak the native tongue. Bush is just the same. Bush is in the White House and he doesn’t comprehend what anyone is saying. (Dennis Kucinich gives thumbs up) Ted Koppel: Senator Kerry, stop yourself. We get what you were trying to say, but it was a shotty attempt at being funny. If you’re going to do an impression of Colin Quinn then warn us next time! Reverend, let me ask you, you being the most religious one on this panel, tell me, what did you think of “The Passion Of The Christ”? Al Sharpton: Ted, the film is truly an epic in many ways. It’s a beautiful story. The ending was predictable but still very much entertaining. Ted Koppel: I understand. I’d now like to introduce a special guest on the show, actor and goodwill ambassador Mr. Danny Glover. Danny Glover: It’s good to be here Ted. Hello, gentlemen. Ted Koppel: Danny, what did you think of Mel Gibson’s “The Passion Of The Christ”? Danny Glover: I'm getting too old for this shit! Ted Koppel: Excuse me? Danny Glover: Everyone just wants to know what I think of Mel Gibson! Mel Gibson this and Mel Gibson that! I’d like to say, just plain and simple…I’m getting too old for this shit! Ted Koppel: Thank you for those wonderful words of wisdom, Mr. Glover. I’d like to thank my panel of guests, John Kerry, John Edwards, The Reverend Al Sharpton, Dennis Kucinich and Danny Glover. Join me tomorrow on “Nightline” with my guest 50 Cent and Eminem. For all of us at ABC News, this has been Ted Koppel in Washington. Good night. (Fade out) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
