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Edward Pierre.....Darrell Hammond Arnold Anderson.....Colin Firth Susan Rock.....Rachel Dratch [Scene: Start with a PBS logo then fade to a talk show setup. The host, Edward Pierre, sits to the left with two empty chairs beside him. Super 'Overlooked Sports Superstars' and overlay music.] [Logo and music fade as shot goes to closeup of Edward Pierre.] Edward Pierre: Hello and welcome once again to Overlooked Sports Superstars, the show where the greatest unrecognized talent comes to be recognized by the unworthy masses. I am your host, the great yet overlooked Edward Pierre. Do not adjust your set, my eyes are that color. My first guest tonight is a legend who none of you have probably ever heard of because you've all been too busy watching your football. I find it quite ironic that a game which involves throwing around a pigskin should attract so many uncouth swine. Oh wait, in light of Janet Jackson's halftime performance, instead of football perhaps I should refer to it as breastball. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha. (chuckles. Singing like Bruce Springsteen.)Wo wo wo, I'm on fire. Ah, well without further adieu let me introduce my first guest, a legend in the world of the bataille a trois...I give you national rock, paper, scissors champ from 1980 to 1987, Mr. Arnold Anderson. [Enter Arnold Anderson] Edward Pierre: Welcome, welcome. Don't look directly into the camera for your gaze might be too intimidating for our viewers. Arnold Anderson: Uh, okay. Well I just want to thank you for having me on your show. This is actually the first time I've been interviewed on a show like this. Edward Pierre: Yes, while every other show is showing us the repugnant 'reality' of middle class America, I choose instead to expose people to the reality of what can be when one strives for greatness. Arnold Anderson: Why thank you. (into camera)I'd like to send a shout out to my boys in Anaheim! Edward Pierre: Indeed. Anyways, I think what makes your story particularly championic, are the circumstances by which you find yourself back vying for the title. Tell us what happened to end your reign and how you've come back so many years later. Arnold Anderson: Certainly, well after I won the championship in '87 I was on an all time high. I mean, my fingers were like Midas's. I couldn't so much as stick out a thumb as 5 cabs would stop for me. And the ladies...needless to say, they couldn't get enough of the rock, paper, or scissors. Edward Pierre: Yes, it is a noble sport indeed. Arnold Anderson: That's not what I meant. Edward Pierre: I realise that but I chose to ignore it. Please continue. Arnold Anderson: Uh, anyways, after one night of partying I got it in my head to go to Mann's Chinese theater to try and fit my hands into C3PO's hand prints. Now I know the dude is a fruit but I loved him in those movies and basically after 8 lagers, it just seemed like a good idea. So I get there, and remember I'm totally wasted, and as I'm fitting my hands into the imprint an 18 wheeler drives over my hands. Edward Pierre: How dreadful! Arnold Anderson: Yeah, well it turns out I wasn't at the Mann's Chinese Theater. I was at a chinese food place in Portland, Maine, called Maine's Chinese Theater. And C3PO's handprint was actually a pothole on a busy highway. Anyways, the doctors saved my hands but due to extensive muscle, tissue and bone damage I was no longer able to open them. Edward Pierre: And hence your long championship run was ended. And on an ironic note, C3PO only has his footprints imprinted in the concrete at the Mann's Chinese theatre. Arnold Anderson: Seriously? Damn. Anyways, yeah I couldn't compete professionally anymore since all I could do was 'rock'. I mean paper covers rock, it's as simple as that. Edward Pierre: Indeed. But now modern science has given you another chance. Arnold Anderson: Yes, thanks to a new procedure they managed to fuse the bones in my hands together and though I have no independent use of my fingers...(opens hands) I can do paper! Edward Pierre: Incredible. Arnold Anderson: Yeah, I think being able to do paper will really give me a chance at this year's tournament. Oh yeah, (holding hand up with all fingers straight and extended looking nothing like a W) Westside. Edward Pierre: Not that your tales of boorish behavior haven't been resplendent but I believe it's time to bring out my next guest. Please welcome your sister in arms, 5 time rock, paper, scissors champion Susan Rock. [Enter Susan Rock wearing a t-shirt that has a thumbs up sign with a red circle around it and red slash through it(a 'No Dynamite' t-shirt), Edward Pierre gets up to greet her.] Arnold Anderson: Hey, what the heck? I thought this was going to be all about me. What's she doing here. Susan Rock: Relax dude. Edward Pierre: Yes it is a bit unusual to have a second guest but the moment I saw her I was both struck by her beauty and her aura of greatness and knew she had to be a part of the show. Arnold Anderson: So what...you're boning her or something? [Edward Pierre shakes his head at Arnold Anderson and then extends his hand as though he is going to shake Susan Rock's hand but instead he makes a 'scissors' hand gesture while she responds with a rock gesture.] Edward Pierre: Oh yes, the best never rest. Brilliant. [Edward Pierre turns away and then quickly turns back with 'paper' hand gesture. Susan Rock responds with 'scissors' hand gesture at the same time.] Susan Rock: You'll have to do better than that slugger. Edward Pierre: (deep laughter) Ha ha, indeed you vixen. [Edward Pierre sits in his chairs facing backwards then spins around quickly and does a 'paper' hand gesture. Susan Rock responds with 'scissors' hand gesture almost before he's spun around.] Edward Pierre: (on his knees and exstatic)OH OH OH OH. (begins pounding the floor and laughing hysterically) A normal human being would have conjectured 'rock' as my next move, never imagining I'd go for two consecutive 'paper' salvos. But you would have none of it would you? All I wanted was a tie but you wouldn't even give me that. Brilliant! Arnold Anderson: That's it, nobody steals my shine. I challenge you to a show down, right here, right now. Susan Rock: You're on. Edward Pierre: I shall referree. (into camera)Turn off you sets, you don't deserve to see this. (to participants)On the count of three. One two...three. [Susan Rock plays paper, Arnold plays rock.] Edward Pierre: Ah, (puts hand on Arnold Anderson's shoulder)perhaps if the laws of the universe were different...or perhaps if the paper were dipped in liquid nitrogen then yes...yes maybe then rock could break paper. Sadly though, fair warrior it is thus that once again paper has covered rock. Arnold Anderson: (fuming about to cry) Yeah, well rock still breaks your face! [Arnold Anderson punches Edward Pierre in the face.] Arnold Anderson: Oh geez...I'm sorry I just lost it. To be honest I've had a few. Edward Pierre: Indeed you did lose it. I invite you here to be regaled as a champion only to find that the only thing you champion is treachery! Be gone! Arnold Anderson: Screw this I'm out of here. [Arnold Anderson tries to give host the finger as he leaves but all his fingers extend.] Edward Pierre: No need to wave at me like some beauty queen. Just leave! [Exit Arnold Anderson.] Susan Rock: I think he was trying to finger you. Edward Pierre: Indeed. He is like a tiger whose teeth have become damaged and useless. No more is he a proud, majestic beast...now he is a mangled, bitter man-eater. (baby-like)Or in this case man-beater. Susan Rock: There there, come sit on my lap. Edward Pierre: It just hurts so much. I just want to educate the brainless television audience watching us right now and show them what a true champion is. And this is what I get for it. Susan Rock: Aww, c'mon it's okay. How about I buy you some ice cream. Edward Pierre: Yes...yes I do so love ice cream. Sometimes I think it's the only thing man has invented that doesn't cause me pain. Susan Rock: There there. It's gonna be alright. [Susan Rock nestles Edward Pierre's head in her bosom. He smiles at the camera then covers his eyes.] Edward Pierre: Make them go away. Susan Rock: Cut (does 'scissors' gesture with movement). That's enough. (makes 'paper' gesture with motion)I said cut it. (makes fist or 'rock' gesture and grimaces at the camera.) [Fade out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
