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Father Tim.....Colin Firth Pierre du le Froge.....Fred Armisen Music Open: progressive Irish music. Father Tim: Hello, and welcome back to "Teeing Off With Father Tim", the informative golf program for the Catholic diocese. We've been on hiatus for quite a while, available only in reruns, but we're happy to be back on the air at last, following the cancellation of the now-defunct "Plucky Duck Fun Hour". We had hoped to have Tiger Woods on our show today.. but we had to bump him because I found out that he's a black man, and I won't have his kind causing trouble on my program. Instead, we searched long and hard to find another golf professional to take his place. Please welcome world-class minature golf champion - Pierre du le Froggie. Pierre du le Froge: Actually, Father Tim, that's pronounced "Fro-jay". It's French. Father Tim: [ silent growl ] They didn't tell me you were a minority. Pierre du le Froge: I'm no more a minority than you. Aren't you Irish? Father Tim: Aye, but we Irish don't cower in the darkness like roaches when it comes time to fight. We're proud to make animals of ourselves and get down to business! Pierre du le Froge: Sure, you love to fight. Especially in pubs while drunk. And what do you mean by calling me a roach, and then saying you're proud to fight like animals? Aren't roaches considered animals, too? Father Tim: Don't confuse me with facts, laddie! I'm so piss drunk right now, I'm liable to shove this club so far up your ass, you'll slice it into the woods everytime you cut a fart! Pierre du le Froge: [ crinkles his nose ] That's disgusting. Father Tim: That's a strong accusation coming from someone whose culture has no history of bathing with tap water! Pierre du le Froge: [ shakes his head ] Look, could we quit harassing each other and get back to the subject of playing golf? Father Tim: Alright, alright. So tell our viewers how you came to be the world-class minature golf champion. What skills do you need to achieve your status in that arena of the sports world? Pierre du le Froge: Well, miniature golf isn't really in the big leagues of the sports world, but, for a lot of people the world over, it's as important a sport as, how you say.. badminton, croquet, and wrestling. Father Tim: Yeah, those all sound like sports substitutes enjoyed by fags, Froggie. Pierre du le Froge: They're legitimate sports, just not as popular as football and basketball. And there's no reason to classify any of those sports by sexual orientation. Don't most of you serious golfers were argyle socks pulled up to your knees? That is not exactly the wardrobe of true men, if you ask my opinion. Father Tim: [ shaking his club in a menacing manner ] You make one more crack like that, laddie, I'm going to come over there and show you what it's like to be an altar boy in the middle of July. It ain't pretty! Pierre du le Froge: Look, are we discussing miniature golfing skills or homoerotic behavior. I'll do one or the other, but not both if you don't mind. What I would like to do is demonstrate one of my golfing stances for you. Father Tim: Alright, let's take a look. I believe we have all the toys and tools set up for your version of a professional golf course? Pierre du le Froge: The toys and tools you describe are called obstacles, designed to prolong the ball's arrival to the hole in much the same way a sand trap and foliage would prevent a smooth ride into the green. Father Tim: So, that's why you brought the plastic crocodile? Pierre du le Froge: The idea is to putt the ball through the crocodile's mouth while he has it open wide, in order to reach the hole at the back of his leg. [ grabs a ball canister ] Some people use decorative balls, like those found at courses in Smalltown U.S.A., but I prefer to use a Titlest. [ opens lids, as the balls bounce across the floor ] Oh no, my balls are all over the place. Father Tim, will you please help me with my balls? Father Tim: Certainly, I'll give you a hand with your balls, laddie. If you'll allow me to grab your balls, I will hang onto them tightly and make sure the little critters don't slip away. [ retrieves the balls ] Pierre du le Froge: You're a sick bastard, you know that? Now, we'll line the ball on the pad, and hit it just light enough to riccochet off the side wall. [ spreads his legs apart and takes a light put as he described ] Father Tim: Come on! You're stroking off like a pansy! [ loosens his collar and removes the tab ] Let me show you how to tee off the Father Tim way! [ Father Tim forces a mighty swing onto the ball, sending the ball offscreen with a ferocious crash sound effect ] Pierre du le Froge: Dammit! You shattered the crocodile's teeth! Father Tim: [ waving his club in a menacing manner ] Pipe down, Froggie, or I'm going to shatter your teeth as well! Pierre du le Froge: Not only is this sacrreligious, but it's poor sportsmanship as well! Golf is not about winning and losing, or whose skills are higher than another player's! It's about getting out on the green with a ball and a club, and becoming one with nature. Father Tim: Laddie, laddie.. [ wraps his arm around Pierre's shoulder for reassurance ] That is so true, that is so very true. [ suddenly raises his other arm and smacks Pierre across the head with his golf club, as Pierre falls to the ground and lands on his balls ] There! Now you're playing with a handicap! Froggie bastard.. [ looks up to the camera ] That's all the time we have this week for "Teeing Off With Father Tim". Join me again next week for our horticulture demonstration, when a trio of women golfers show us to proper way to trim the greens around their holes. Until then, stay below par and keep your eyes on your own balls for a change! Music Out: progressive Irish music. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
