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Matthew.....Seth Meyers Brother Stephen.....Colin Firth Jonas.....Will Forte INT. - SMALL ROOM MATTHEW and BROTHER STEPHEN sit at a table beside a large, silver box with glowing lights and a sign on the front that says “Time Machine” Matthew: When will Jonas be back, Brother Stephen? Brother Stephen: Whenever the Savior wants him to be back, my son. Matthew: It’s just that…I want to go next! I want to meet Jesus now! Brother Stephen: (didactic) Listen, Matthew…God gave us the gift of time-travel for a specific purpose. For now, we must show our gratitude and our patience. Matthew: (head down, despondently) Oh, alright… [A bright light emanates from the time machine contraption, smoke rises from the bottom, and a man (Forte) opens the door and stumbles out from it.] Matthew: (standing up, excitedly) He’s back! Brother Stephen: (also standing) He looks stunned! Help him out! [Brother Stephen rises and they both walk over to help the man from the time machine. They lead him to a seat at the table. The man keeps his head down.] Matthew: Jonas…did you see Jesus? Jonas! [No response.] Brother Stephen: Surely he did! He is still shocked from beholding the King of Kings! Jonas, can you hear me? (a beat) Jonas! Jonas: (seemingly coming out of his trance) What? Matthew: What happened? Jonas: I uh…I met Jesus. Matthew: (excited) Oh, God! What did he tell you? Jonas: I...I’m not sure I…want to talk about it. Brother Stephen: Let’s leave him be, Matthew. He’s contemplating the Master’s words. Jonas: (looking up now) No, it’s not that. Matthew: It isn’t? Jonas: (flat affect) No… Matthew: Well, what is it then? Jonas: (suddenly excited) Oh, God, I can’t…I can’t! Matthew: Tell us, Jonas! Brother Stephen: Yes, tell us what’s going on! Jonas: I…I had sex with Jesus! Brother Stephen: You what??? Jonas: (contrite) I had sex with Jesus, Brother Stephen! Brother Stephen: What do you mean??? Are you saying you seduced the Christ??? Jonas: (defensive) I didn’t seduce him! I’m not gay! Brother Stephen: Oh, you’re not gay, but you had sex with Jesus??? Jonas: I…I couldn’t turn down the Lamb of God! Matthew: What??? Jonas: I couldn’t say no to Jesus! Brother Stephen: You mean…you mean to tell me he seduced you??? Jonas: (shaken) Yes! And I feel horrible! Brother Stephen: Oh, no…no, no, no! There’s no way the same man who preached the Sermon on the Mount, who challenged the Pharisees in the temples, who raised Lazarus from the dead, seduced you into having homosexual relations! Jonas: (tearful) See, that’s just it, Brother Stephen. I didn’t meet that Jesus…the one they speak about in the bible. This was a much younger Jesus I met. I…don’t know… Brother Stephen: This is unbelievable! I can’t believe this! Jonas: Well, believe it…it’s true. I was walking with him in a pasture, and everything was wonderful. He was talking about the Father, and how he was sent here to save mankind. But then, he started complaining about how the expectations and tremendous pressure really bothered him, and that he just wanted to relax. So, we came upon this creek, and he started drinking the water from it, saying he had turned it into wine. Matthew: You witnessed one of the Lord’s miracles??? Jonas: Yes, right in front of my eyes! So, he offers me a drink, and we sat there for what must have been hours, right? Needless to say, we got pretty bombed. After a while, he leans over, looks at me real seriously, and says he wants to reveal something to me. Matthew: Oh, goodness! Jonas: I’m thinkin’ that he’s going to offer me some pearls of wisdom, you know, like one of his proverbs in the Gospels. But instead, he showed me his pearls! Matthew: Jesus! Jonas: That’s what I said! So, you know, then it happened, right there by the creek. I feel…I feel so ashamed! Brother Stephen: Oh, Jonas…(takes him in his arms, exhibiting compassion) Jonas: I’m sorry, Brother Stephen, I am! I didn’t mean to do it! Brother Stephen: Don’t worry, Jonas, it’s not your fault. I must have sent you back to the wrong time period, and some imposter seduced you by saying he was Jesus. Jonas: (out from his arms, suddenly defensive) Oh, it was Jesus! I know it was him! Brother Stephen: (angrily) It wasn’t Jesus! Jonas: Oh, but it was! It had to be! He was certainly hung like Jesus! Matthew: What does hung mean, Brother Stephen? Brother Stephen: Never mind that! (emphatic) Now, Jonas… Jonas: (interrupting) Listen, Brother Stephen…I told Jesus about you and Matthew and the time machine. He said that he wants both of you to come back and visit him. Brother Stephen: (suddenly flattered) Jesus…wants to talk to me? Jonas: Well, he seemed keener on Matthew, but he said he’d see both of you. Matthew: Jesus wants me to come? Jonas: In more ways than one! Matthew: Well, I want to go! Please, Brother Stephen, let me see Jesus! Brother Stephen: No! You can’t go! I can’t tolerate this! Matthew: Why not? You said God gave us the gift of time-traveling for a specific purpose, didn’t you? Brother Stephen: Well, yeah, but I… Matthew: (interrupting) Maybe the purpose was to show us that homosexuality isn’t bad, and that we shouldn’t discriminate against people attracted to those of the same sex. Maybe Jesus wants to teach us to love everyone, regardless of their sexual orientation! Brother Stephen: (very affected) You know, maybe you’re right. Jonas, what do you think? Jonas: He sure loved the heck outta me! Brother Stephen: Then it’s settled. We’ll go back in time, and honor Jesus’ request! Jonas: Great! But first, you gotta get some condoms… Brother Stephen: What??? Jonas: Jesus is allergic to those sheepskin thingies they sell in Jerusalem, and you can’t just barge into the holiest of holes without protection! Brother Stephen: Oh, right. [Everyone stands up and begins walking towards the room’s exit. Matthew stops them.] Matthew: Wait, what’s a condom? [Jonas and Brother Stephen break out in laughter as the screen fades to black.] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
