|
|
|
|
|
|
|
.....Jimmy Fallon .....Tina Fey .....Kenan Thompson .....Rachel Dratch Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey. Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories! Following President Bush's proposal of a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, Rosie O'Donnell and her female companion retaliated by flying to San Francisco to exchange nuptials. Determined to put O'Donnell in her place once and for all, President Bush proposed a new constitutional amendment this week, banning gay suicide. So, President George W. Bush has put a ban on gay marriage! George, I’m only going to tell you this once, you are a moron! Jimmy Fallon: George, do you realize the only reason for the economy’s some what revamp is because of the gay community! It’s shows like “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” that has brought notice to the fact that gay community has lots and lots of money! Tina Fey: George, do you realize how much money gay people spend on shoes, only! You’ve got to be crazy to give up face from the gay community! Jimmy Fallon: Gays are just like you and me, George. We both take it in the ass and guess what, if you had any sense of morals, you would know that gay guys make great listeners. Tina Fey: George, you may have just cost yourself the election right here and now. The gay community is worth 10 % of the country and not even Ralph Nader can help you now. Jimmy Fallon: Throw the gay community a bone! And at the same time, (in a high gay voice) do something with that hair, girlfriend! Announcer: This has been “Jimmy & Tina bitching out the President of the United States”! Tina Fey: Scientists have reported similarities in how both ants and humans behave in traffic. New studies show that ants will use alternate routes to avoid congestion. Also, ants stuck in congestion will all stare at that one guy singing along to the radio. Jimmy Fallon: A 28-year-old Connecticut man was arrested Wednesday after exposing himself at a McDonald's drive-through for the second day in the row. According to the 19-year-old employee working the drive-through, the man ordered a Big Mac and said he'd be holding the pickle today. Here with a comment on latest goings-on at McDonald's, is Health correspondent Kenan Thompson. Kenan? Kenan Thompson: Thank you, Mr. Jimmy. Apparently McDonald's is getting rid of their super sized fries because they're too good of a deal. What the hell? This is a nasty precedent people. The next thing we know 7-11 will get rid of the big gulp because it's too good a deal. Where will that leave us? On a street corner with a small overpriced french fries and a sensibly sized gulp. Add in a T-shirt that reads "My name is Dingus McGee" and I think the picture is complete. We gotta fight this people. This is not the way. First off, whose fault is all of this any ways? I'll tell you whose fault it is, it's skinny people's fault. Why don't you all just shut the hell up and eat your little soy products and let the rest of us alone? For your information skinny people, all that money I was saving with super-sized french fries was going towards a gym membership. Oh well, nice dream but it had to hit the street because of little skinny people looking out for me, I guess. Skinny people saying "Hey McDonald's, your french fries are making America fat." Idiots! McDonald's is still gonna be selling just as many fries as it was before only they'll be making more money on them. Now, if McDonald's really wants to help people lose weight they can start by closing drive-thrus. At least then people would have to walk a bit to get their food. After closing the drive thrus, they can take it further and install treadmills by the tills. If you're too out of breath to finish your order you know you're ordering too much. It's called fast food right? Well all right then, you better move fast if you want to get it. So in conclusion, never say no to good value, skinny people are stupid and exercise is the answer. I'm Kenan 'Super-sized' Thompson. Thank you.
Jimmy Fallon: In a retirement home in Florida, a fight broke out over some lettuce between a 62 year old man and a 86 year old man; a fight which was eventually broken up with the help of the 62 year old man's 80 year old mother. Apparently the fight started when the 62 year old commented on how good the lettuce tasted and the 86 year old replied "It tastes good, but not as good as your mom." In an effort to help their country heal after more than 30 coups in its 200 hundred year history, a newly appointed Haitian council of seven "wise men" have announced plans to change their country's name from Haiti to Luvi. Tina Fey: A new interactive Internet program helps children reduce dietary fat and increase exercise, researchers report. When run, it shuts down the computer. Kevin Costner is in negotiations to direct and possibly star in "Modoc: The True Story of the Greatest Elephant That Ever Lived," based on the novel by Ralph Helfer. What constitutes greatness in an elephant? Hopefully, refusing to take direction from Kevin Costner. And now, here to make a personal announcement, is our own Rachel Dratch. Rachel Dratch: Thank you, Tina. Wow, it seems as though the world has gone gay-crazy this week. Thousands of gay and lesbian couples flocked to San Francisco this past week to be married, and there are thousands more on the waiting list behind them. There weren't even that many heterosexual weddings last week. Speaking of gay marriage, Rosie O'Donnell even became the first gay celebrity to exchange vows. Which brings up an interesting point - if it weren't for being gay, celebrities like Rosie O'Donell and Ellen Degeneres would have very little to be famous for. As a struggling actress, I have to wonder if this might be helpful to one's career. For that reason, I'm tired of evading the truth, and tonight I'd like to step out of the closet and admit to the world that I, Rachel Dratch, am a lesbian. Let the job offers start pouring in. I'll do television, I'll do movies.. if you have an opening for a radio talk show host during drive-time, I'll take that -- Tina Fey: Excuse me, Rachel. Correct me if I'm wrong, but.. you're not gay. Rachel Dratch: Yes, I am, Tina. I've tried to conform to what I believed was a normal society, but now I realize that it's finally okay to be gay. I'm queer, and I'm proud. Rainbow power! Tina Fey: Rachel, how can you be gay? You've made out with every guy who's hosted since your first episode. Rachel Dratch: Not Norm MacDonald.. I mean.. uh.. drat! I just blew my cover, didn't I? Why can't we just choose what we want to be in life? I'd rather be a lesbian making the front page every day, than a hetereosexual actress who can't find work when the sun is shining! Tina Fey: So, you think it's more fashionable to be gay. Don't you think that's a twisted sense of morality? You shouldn't hide what you really are. Rachel Dratch: But, Tina, I can't help it if I'm not a lesbian and prefer men - I was born that way! Tina Fey: Rachel, there's no shame in being straight. Rachel Dratch: There's no need to patronize me, Tina, just because you happen to be gay. Tina Fey: But I'm not gay. I'm happily married - to a man. Rachel Dratch: Then, how do you explain all the massive publicity you get? [ quickly ] Yeaaaahh! You don't have an answer for that, do you?! Tina Fey: Rachel, I'm not gay! Jimmy, tell Rachel I'm not a lesbian. Jimmy Fallon: No, I think she's right. You are in the news a lot, for no good reason. Tina Fey: Now, come on, that's not true. I even made out with Norm MacDonald. Jimmy Fallon: Only to try to convince people that you're not gay. Tina Fey: Then, why did you make out with him? Jimmy Fallon: [ nervous ] Uh.. who told..? Tina Fey: Ha! I was bluffing! [ Jimmy's eyes suddenly grow wide with fear ] Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon! Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey! Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
