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Steve/Announcer.....Chris Parnell Boss.....Ben Affleck Melody.....Maya Rudolph Employee #1.....Fred Armisen Employee #2.....Will Forte Man.....Kenan Thompson Woman.....Rachel Dratch Man #2.....Seth Meyers Woman #2.....Amy Poehler Announcer #2.....Darrell Hammond [We open to a couple in bed] Man: Come on sweets, let’s get frisky. (He leans over to embrace her) Woman: I hope you remembered to bring protection? Man: No need to worry, I’ve got my Condom Brand condom right here. (He holds up the wrapper and we get a close up of the logo) Woman: For a minute there I almost thought you had forgotten about your Condom Brand condom. Man: (laughs) Forget about my Condom Brand condom? You must be crazy. Condom Brand condoms are my condoms of choice. Announcer V/O: 9 out of 10 condom experts choose Condom Brand condoms over any other condom brand. Buy yours wherever condoms are sold. [We see the outside of a building in a dirty, shabby, neighborhood. The name Advertisement Inc. is highlighted. Cut inside to the main office] (Steve walks into the office) Employee #1: How’s it going Steve? Employee #2: Great day outside, isn’t it? Steve: I didn’t notice, what with all the poverty and crime and all. Boss: Oh Steve, you’re always such a gloomy gus. Steve: That’s me all right. Listen, I only what to be here as long as it takes. What’s on tap for me to lend my voice to today? Massage oils? Blow up dolls? More condoms? (He spies a box on the table) Steve: Ah yes, the edible lingerie. This one should be a piece of cake. Boss: I’m sorry but there’s a slight complication. I’d like you to meet Melody. (The camera cuts to Melody sitting at a table) Melody: Hi there. Steve: Hey. So, can we get going or what? Boss: Actually, we thought we’d have Melody test for the edible lingerie. Steve: What! Aren’t my voice-over skills good enough for you? Boss: We just felt a woman might be more appropriate for this kind of product. There are plenty of others you can do, if you want to. Steve: That’s not the point. Diaphragms, vibrators, birth control pills, I voiced all those. Boss: Yeah, but that was before I took over as president. We need to take this company in a new direction. Steve: New direction! Give me a break. How much experience does she have anyway? I’ll bet she doesn’t have over 15 years in the biz like me? Melody: Actually, I’ve never done anything like this before. Steve: See. (Boss pulls Steve aside) Boss: Steve, stop being cruel. At least give the girl a chance. Steve: You’re the boss. Just don’t blame me when she falls flat on her face. Boss: (addresses the group) Melody, if you’d like to try this out, we’re ready when you are. Melody: (nervously picks up a microphone and looks into a monitor) For the woman whose husband likes to eat out several times a week we… Sorry, mind if I start over? Steve: (loudly to Boss) Told you she would mess it up. Boss: (to Steve) I thought I asked you not to be so judgmental. It is her first time after all. Melody: Maybe he’s right. I’ll just go back to the brothel across the street and beg for my old job back. (She begins to cry) Boss: (to Steve) Look, now you’ve hurt her feelings. Employee #1: There’s a brothel across the street? Employee #2: I did not know that. You learn a new thing every day. Steve: (raises his voice) I can’t believe you people. Employee #2: Keep it down Steve. Do you want to wake the baby? Steve: Baby? What baby? Employee #1: Melody’s son is sleeping in the other room. Steve: (sarcastically) Oh, excuse me, sorry if I disturbed the precious child. Boss: Don’t be like that. I’ll have you know that her son’s got both AIDS and fetal alcohol syndrome. Steve: Geez, I wonder why? (Melody cries even harder and is consoled by the two Employees) Boss: Steve, I’ve had it up to here with your poor attitude. I thought you’d rise above berating poor innocent girls like Melody and creating conflict in the workplace. Maybe you should take some time off and chill out. Steve: Innocent? In case you didn’t notice, this isn’t the Ritz. We work in the slums, the fricking slums. She’s a whore, a no good whore. I’ll take you up on that last offer, in fact, I’ll go one step further…I quit. (He storms out) Employee #1: I wonder what bee got under his bonnet? Employee #2: (laughs) Must not have been a honey bee. Boss: Melody, I’m sorry you had to put up with all that. (He reaches over to hug her) Employee #1: Me too. To be honest, I think you’re going to do a damn fine job with the commercial. Employee #2: (laughs) I’d buy a pair. [Two weeks later] (A frustrated Steve walks into the office holding a rifle) Steve: Now see what you’ve made me do. (He fires at Boss and Employees) Man #2: Ah! [Cut to a man and a woman in bed] Woman #2: What’s wrong snuggles? Did you have another bad dream? (Man #2 nods his head) Woman #2: Poor baby. I’ll make it all better. (She embraces him) Man #2: What would I do without you? (He starts kissing her passionately) Woman #2: Aren’t you forgetting something? Man #1: Oh yeah, my Trojan condom. (He holds up the wrapper and we get a close up of the logo) Announcer #2 V/O: Trojan condoms: Work hard, play harder. [Fade Out] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
