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Adam Benedict.....Ben Affleck Eve Benedict.....Amy Poehler Mrs. Whitmore.....Rachel Dratch Mr. Whitmore.....Chris Parnell Mrs. Gingernail.....Tina Fey Mrs. Tufferson.....Maya Rudolph [ int. Meeting Room – Day ] [ A church social. Adam and Eve Benedict, a young couple, stand, drink coffee. Mrs. Whitmore, an elderly woman, approaches ] Mrs. Whitmore: There you two are; I’ve been looking all over for you… Adam Benedict: We’ve been right here the whole time, Mrs. Whitmore. Mrs. Whitmore: Eve, I saw your sister, Rita, in the paper yesterday, and I thought of you, so I clipped it out, so you could have it. [ begins rummaging through purse ] Eve Benedict: I, I’m not quite sure what you’re talking about. Mrs. Whitmore: You know, that test the police gave her, she scored very high on it. Ah, here it is. [ pulls out clipping, reads ] Local Driver Scores .15 on Blood-Alcohol Test. Eve Benedict: I’m not really sure I need another copy of that. Mrs. Whitmore: Nonsense! You can never have too many newspaper clippings of your loved ones! Adam Benedict: Mrs. Whitmore, I think the problem is that it’s not a very flattering article. Mrs. Whitmore: Not flattering? She got a .15! I can’t get above a .07 without stripping to my knickers! At .09 I pass out entirely! Eve Benedict: [ humoring ] Alright, I’ll take it. Mrs. Whitmore: [ to offscreen ] Harold, come meet the Benedicts! [ Mr. Whitmore, her retired husband, approaches ] Mr. Whitmore: Adam! [ offers hand, and shakes vigorously ] Mrs. Whitmore: Eve’s sister was in the newspaper yesterday. Mr. Whitmore: Is that so? Wow, we have a famous person among us. [ joking ] Can I have your autograph? Mrs. Whitmore: They put her sister’s picture next to the article. Mr. Whitmore: [ holding article ] Wow. I can hardly tell you two apart. [ winking ] You’re prettier though. Mrs. Whitmore: Stop flattering the girl! Eve Benedict: Of course my sister looks ugly, they took her mug shot when she was dead drunk! Mr. Whitmore: [ offers hand to Eve and shakes vigorously ] The whole church is so proud of you. [ Mrs. Gingernail, another old woman, approaches ] Mrs. Whitmore: Mrs. Gingernail! This is Eve Benedict, her sister got a .15 on a blood-alcohol test! Mrs. Gingernail: That's something! [ smirking, pointing finger at Adam ] Are you… were you that guy at the Olympics? Adam Benedict: No, actually, I think you’re thinking of my brother, James. Mr. Whitmore: Your brother in the Olympics? Wow. [ offers hand to Adam and shakes vigorously ] Mrs. Gingernail: You look just like him. What was he in… that’s right the bobsled. Adam Benedict: I’m surprised you know about him; I mean they wore helmets all the time, and that was back in ’98. Mrs. Gingernail: I have an eye for people sometimes. I think I have a newspaper clipping. [ digs through purse ] Eve Benedict: Ok, this is getting a little creepy. We only moved to this town a year ago. Mrs. Gingernail: Here, take these [ hands over a large pile of newspaper clippings ] I thought of you when I saw it, so I asked my friends at Bingo for their extras. Mrs. Whitmore: I have to tell you to, I just love watching wonderful young people playing with the bobsled ball. Mr. Whitmore: I don’t think there’s a ball in bobsled, dear. Mrs. Whitmore: Oh, I’m sorry, a “puck” is that what they call it these days? I feel so ancient not knowing that. Adam Benedict: Look, thank you all very much for the newspaper clippings, but I think we’re going to go— [ Mrs. Tufferson, another old woman, enters ] Mrs. Tufferson: The Benedicts! Just who I was looking for! Eve Benedict: Hello, Mrs. Tufferson. Mrs. Tufferson: Adam, I saw your picture in the paper on Thursday. Adam Benedict: [ wincing ] No. That wasn’t me. That was my uncle. Eve Benedict: [ urgent ] We really need to be goi— Mrs. Tufferson: [ ecstatic ] Hold on! Wait until I tell these nice people what happened! Our own Adam Benedict’s uncle was in charge of an enormous prostitution ring! [ The Benedicts, already being aware of the news, grimace accordingly. Everyone else appears delighted ] Mrs. Tufferson: I brought a newspaper clipping. [ digs through purse to produce clipping ] Theo Benedict was arrested after a police sting operation found him to be in charge of over two hundred prostitutes. [ Mr. Whitmore offers to shake hands again, both Benedicts decline ] Mrs. Tufferson: Thirty eight of the prostitutes were reportedly underage. Mrs. Whitmore: I have to say, one of the greatest pleasures in my life was the time I spent working with children. Mrs. Tufferson: Theo Benedict has reportedly been running the prostitution ring for twenty-six years. Mr. Whitmore: “From dedication comes gratification,” that was my work motto. Mrs. Tufferson: Just in case you have trouble reading, like my sister Helen does, I had the article blown up for you. [ hands Adam a giant facsimile of the story ] I also had the picture framed, so you can put it in your hallway. [ A large b&w newspaper photo of a bedraggled man being shoved into a police car, encased in a very fancy frame, is brought in and handed to Eve ] Mrs. Gingernail: It will be a great thing for the church if you have even half his organizational skills. Mr. Whitmore: [ chuckling ] I know! At my best, I could never manage more than fifteen prostitutes at a time. Eve Benedict: They’re talking with themselves, now. We should be able to vanish. [ The Benedicts exit ] Mrs. Tufferson: Fifteen? My pimp could only handle eleven! [ fade out ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
