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Thomas.....Chris Parnell Voice of Man #1.....Fred Armisen Voice of Man #2.....Will Forte Steve.....Ben Affleck Voice of Man #3.....Seth Meyers [ open on interior, Thomas' apartment, as he stretches across a La-Z-Boy with his hands gripped on the TV remote and his eyes fixated on the TV screen ] TV Announcer: You're watching an hour of "Full House", on Nick-at-Nite. Stay tuned at 9, for an hour of "Wings"; followed by a special bonus hour of "Full House", at 10. Nick-At-Nite. Preserving television heritage until we're busted for fraud by the FCC. Now, back to "Full House." [ the phone rings from the stand next to Thomas' La-Z-Boy. He reaches over to answer it. ] Thomas: Hello? Voice of Man #1: Hey. Is this is Thomas? Thomas: Why, yes it is. How may I be of service to you? Voice of Man #1: Service? Oh, man. Yeah, that's what I want - to be serviced! I didn't think this would be for real, but now I'm glad I called. Thomas: What on Earth are you talking about? Voice of Man #1: I've got your number, and I can't wait to get together. Do you know how to find the teahouse near the Central Park lagoon? Thomas: Sorry, I don't drink tea. Voice of Man #1: I like mine with two lumps, Thomas - you know what I'm saying, pal? Thomas: If you ever call this number again, I will hunt you down and beat you until you bleed like a bastard stepchild! Voice of Man #1: Oh yeah, I like the sound of that! Thomas: Piss off! [ abruptly hangs up the phone ] TV Announcer: Tune in to Nick-At-Nite all weekend for a Duelin' Beckys marathon on "Roseanne". Who is who, and which is which? Round and round she goes, and where she stops nobody knows. That's "Roseanne", on Nick-At-Nite. Promoting suicide among our nation's elderly for over two years. [ the phone rings from the stand next to Thomas' La-Z-Boy. He reaches over to answer it. ] Thomas: Hello. Voice of Man #2: [ nervous ] Thomas? Thomas: Yes, this is Thomas. Who's calling, please? Voice of Man #2: My name's Brad. I've never made one of these calls before, but I've always believed in karma. Thomas: [ confused ] What do you mean, you've never made one of these calls before? What in the name of Sam Walton are you talking about? Voice of Man #2: Well, I mean.. I know it's not me you were expecting to hear from. But, now that I have your number in my possession, it's like divine intervention, you know? I figured no harm in trying. Thomas: [ confused ] Uh-huh.. Voice of Man #2: I'm not even gay, but I figured the Good Lord brought your number to me for a reason. I mean, this is about gay sex, isn't it? Thomas: [ outraged ] This is not a gay sex hotline! And I have had it with all you little sickle-lickers calling my house night and day! I love women! Voice of Man #2: Me, too.. but I just thought.. I-I don't know what I thought.. I'm so embarrassed, I should have just ignored your phone number, but I couldn't help myself. Thomas: Well, just forget you ever saw my number! Good.. day! [ slams the receiver ] Boy, if I ever find out who's advertising my number as a gay sex line.. [ a knock is heard at the front door ] Thomas: Oh, now what?! [ Thomas stands to answer the door, revealing Steve standing on the porch ] Steve: [ extending his hand ] Hey! You must be Thomas. Thomas: That's right. Who are you, a Jehovah's Witness? Steve: My name's Steve. Thomas: Well, what can I do for you, Steve? Steve: There's no reason for you to feel uneasy in my presence. To be honest, I hope I wasn't too bold in taking the initiative to come here in person. I Googled your number, and it pulled up your address. Please don't be upset. Thomas: I don't know who gave you my number, but I don't appreciate this invasion of my privacy. I have been getting phone calls all night, and I'm getting pretty sick of it. Steve: Aw, man. I thought this might be somebody's idea of a gag.. [ pulls out a dollar bill ] I got this dollar bill, and somebody wrote on it: "Until we meet again - Thomas - 555-2964." I know we've never met before, but my curiosity was sparked. Thomas: Wait a minute, let me see that! [ seizes the dollar bill from Steve's hand and gazes at it ] I recognize this dollar bill.. I left it as a tip for this gorgeous blonde who works the counter at Wrigley's Bar & Grille. Steve: Oh, I've seen her. Not my type, though - she likes men. Thomas: You don't have to tell me twice. She was flirting with me all night, so I thought she'd be interested in getting together sometime. But she never called. How did you get this dollar bill? Steve: I don't know.. I got it as change somewhere, when the smallest bill I had was a ten. Do you leave your number on tips often? Thomas: All the time! I've met some pretty fine looking waitresses and bartendresses over the years, and I've always left my number so they could call me. But, so far, none of them have. [ the phone rings from the stand next to Thomas' La-Z-Boy. He reaches over to answer it. ] Thomas: Hello. Voice of Man #3: Oh, my God, you sound so cute! We've never met, but I'm just dying for us to get together! Thomas: [ angry ] I'm not gay! Voice of Man #3: Neither am I! But it's so nice to be given a number for any kind of a hook-up! Thomas: This is a mistake! My number wasn't meant for you to call! If you have a sister or a young aunt, I'll be happy to talk to them, but I refuse to bone or be boned by a dude! Voice of Man #3: Wow, are you close-minded. That's pretty sick putting your number on dollar bills if you're not going to go all the way with it. Steve: [ grabs the phone ] Hey, he wasn't interested! Get lost, creep! Voice of Man #3: Whoops! I didn't realize there was another john ahead of me! I'm so embarrassed.. I'll call back later! [ hangs up ] Thomas: [ humbly ] Well.. thank you for getting rid of that guy. You have my deepest appreciation. Steve: [ smiling ] Oh, yeah.. I'm going to show you some deep appreciation! [ unbuckles his pants and drops them to the floor ] Thomas: Wait! I told you I'm not gay! Steve: Well, that's a fine way to show your gratitude. It's not like I was asking you to enjoy it. Thomas: I'm sorry. Steve: This was a wasted trip. That's the last time I let George Washington play my matchmaker. [ reaches into his pocket and pulls out a $5 bill ] Here's an Abe Lincoln for accomodating me this evening. You don't deserve it, but.. what the hell. Thomas: Listen, why don't we start over? I'm not a homophobe. We could have a brandy and watch "Full House" on Nick-At-Nite. Steve: No, thanks. I'm gay, but I'm not that gay. See you around. [ Steve exits, as Thomas glances at the $5 bill ] Thomas: Hmm.. what's this? [ reading ] "Add Jesus to your life - 555-7903." Hmm.. [ Thomas picks up the phone and dials ] Hi. I know this is going to sound silly, but.. I called because I want to add Jesus to my life. [ pause ] What's that? It's pronounced "Hey-Zeus"? This has nothing to do with religion, does it? [ a beat ] Well, I'm not gay or anything, but if you'd like to get together for a drink, or to rub cod-liver oil over one another, I'm a fairly open-minded individual -- [ fade out, as Thomas closes the deal ] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
