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Barry Dunbar.....Jimmy Fallon Howard Quincy.....Ben Affleck Thomas Glenwood.....Will Forte Charlie “The Moon Man.....Russell…Seth Meyers (A bar with 2 patrons sitting on stools and a bartender behind the bar serving drinks) (“More Than A Feeling” by Boston plays in the background and fades out) Announcer (V/O): And now with the Drunken News is your drunken anchorman, Barry Dunbar! (All the characters speak with a New Englander accent that is slightly slurred by alcohol) Barry Dunbar: That’s right! Welcome to the Drunken News, I’m Barry Dunbar! We are live at “The Fours” here in Milford, Mass! It’s time for the news! First off, I’d like to apologize for urinating on the cameraman last night during the whiskey sour moment of the day. My sincere sorry to you! Let’s start the news tonight, with the whiskey sour moment of the day…our good buddy Howard Quincy bought a drink for everyone after learning his car keys where in his pocket and not stolen by that black guy who gave ole Quincy a good sock to the stomach. Okay…tonight’s top story, I’m drunk! Howard Quincy: What else is new? Barry Dunbar: Shut it, Quincy! Okay…next news story (clears throat) Ted Kennedy was whacked in the head by Arnold Schwarzenegger after he made a harsh remark to Arnold’s wife, fellow Kennedy Maria Shiver. Reportedly, Ted didn’t feel a thing because he was as drunk as one of us! Being drunk is the best healer of killin’ pain! Ahh…this just in…I need another double, Charlie! A former student of Portsmouth High School was awarded for his efforts in Iraq. 28-year-old Robert Keith was awarded for his bravery in battle. Let’s have a shot for Robby! (“The Moon Man” pours 3 whiskey shots for himself, Quincy and Dunbar) All 3: For Robby! (The 3 gentlemen drink the shots) In other news, an Easton massage parlor was raided earlier this week. It was revealed that the massage parlor was the site of a prostitution ring. You know what this means, all you New Englander businessmen need to go elsewhere for your afternoon delight hand jobs! Okay, next story…news out of Southborough, with only three months until Police Chief William Colleary steps down, town officials are quickly preparin’ for the town's next top cop. I got a tip for you…go to the nearest Dunkin’ Donuts! Here in Milford, Adult Education Workshops are going to be open to the public in a couple of weeks…finally, I will be able to figure out if I’m the bird or the bee. In Hudson, Mass, yesterday, in a two-hour chase through back yards and woods, police finally caught up with a suspect who had fled from the scene of a reported domestic dispute. Hey, Quincy are you okay? Did your old lady beat you up again? (Howard Quincy slams his head against the bar counter in his drunken daze) Next news story…Bishop Gilbert A. Thompson, senior pastor of New Covenant Christian Church, said this week that he is heavily in favor of an amendment that would outlaw gay marriage in the United States. Here with a comment on this is Thomas Glenwood from Hopedale, Mass. Thomas, welcome. Thomas Glenwood: (in a very high gay voice) Thank you. I want to get my opinion out on this issue. The anti-gay amendment is an absolute travesty to what I know of America. My homosexual friends and I have sent a letter to President Bush to stop his proceedings to ban gay marriage. I pay taxes just like everyone else; I should be allowed to marry my significant other, Carlos! Barry Dunbar: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! You mean you’re a homo? Get the hell out of here, you gay! (Quincy awakes from his drunken daze and pushes and shoves the gay man out of the bar) Hey, Moon Man, I thought you had a big sign put up that says, “No Gays Allowed!” Charlie “The Moon Man” Russell: No, Dunbar. I haven’t…maybe it’s that sign you see out front that says, “Drunken Patrons Only!” Barry Dunbar: Forget it! A nanny who is accused of violently striking a 9-month-old Milford baby, an act caught on videotape, was spared jail time. Although she will be punished…she will be the baby’s sitter until it turns 18…and you thought Bill Buckner was horrible injust by it’s self…take a look at this one, holy lord! Okay…now here with a public service announcement for drunks is my good friend Howard Quincy! Quincy, wake up! Howard Quincy: Hey, folks, have you seen these billboards up around town? “We sue drunk drivers!” They’re suing us…the drivers! The drunks who drive! Well, guess what, those greedy lawyers have somethin’ coming to them! We are now suing them! Now, the lawyers are getting a taste of their own medicine. Charlie, gimme another double! You know, I can remember a time when you could go to your local bar, saloon, pub or high school prom and get a little hammered. You apparently can’t do that anymore! What the hell? Now, these greedy, yuppie son-a-bitch lawyers are takin’ away our fun! Charlie, where the hell’s my double! So now, do you want to get some payback on these lawyers! Hey, guess what if you win, the first rounds on me! Yeah! So pick up your phone now and dial 1-800-LAST-CALL! That’s 1-800-LAST… (Howard Quincy passes out on the bar) Barry Dunbar: This has been an address by an angry drunk driver. Charlie “The Moon Man” Russell: Hey, Dunbar, get your buddy off my bar! Barry Dunbar: Hey, Moon Man, hold your helmet on! Quincy’s in a bad way… Charlie “The Moon Man” Russell: I don’t care! Barry Dunbar: (into the camera) I guess that’s it for the Drunken News tonight. Charlie “The Moon Man” Russell: Get him out of here! Barry Dunbar: Our final story, The Moon Man’s an ass! Good night! (“More Than A Feeling” by Boston plays in the background and fades as sketch fades out) (Camera fades out as Barry Dunbar drags Howard Quincy out of the bar) Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
