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Lance.....Finesse Mitchel Henry...Ben Affleck Drew.....Jimmy Fallon Peter Jackson.....Horatio Sanz Boss.....Darrell Hammond [Scene: Int. office. Henry, Drew and Lance sit across from Peter Jackson.] Lance: Alright, Mr. Jackson let's get this meeting started. We're here to discuss how we can follow up on the great success we've had with The Lord of the Rings movies. Peter Jackson: Absolutely. Well, even while I was making The Lord Of The Rings, I was thinking about turning The Hobbit into a film. Henry: The Lord of the Rings IV: The Hobbit? Lame dude. That's like calling Terminator IV, Terminator IV: The Terminator. (to Lance) You know me? Lance: If you offered me a lifesavers I'd take it cuz you ain't no stranger. I KNOW YOU! [Lance and Henry do a funky hand shake.] Peter Jackson: No no, The Hobbit isn't a sequel to LOTR it's a story the preceeds the trilogy which focuses on how Bilbo meets Gandalf and finds the ring and stuff like that. I think it'll make one hell of a movie. Drew: Like a prequel. Lance: Wow a prequel, that's an original idea only I liked it better when it was called Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. (to Henry) Do you know me? Henry: I'll need to see some ID...no wait I KNOW YOU. [Lance and Henry do a funky handshake.] Drew: I know you both, you're my cousins. [Lance and Henry look at Drew with a "That's so lame" look.] Henry: Anyways, prequels are out and sequels are back in man. Peter Jackson: Look, it took 12 years for J.R.R. Tolkien to write The Lord of The Rings...if you're suggesting writing some sort of screenplay from scratch that will compare to that...you're crazy. Lance: Just hear us out, that's all I'm asking. Peter Jackson: Fine, if we can discuss The Hobbit more afterwards. Lance: Absolutely. So this is what we were thinking for LOTR IV. Henry: The Lord of the Rings V dude. Remember The Hobbit prequel thing. Lance: Fine, so this is what we've got for The Lord of the Rings V. Henry: Wait, I've got it. The Lord of the Rings V: The Orcs Strike Back. Peter Jackson: Oh geez. Lance: Brilliant man, brilliant. Now what we were thinking is that the movie will start off with Frodo and Gandalf off on their little carnival cruise and then one of them big eagles comes and is all like "Yo Frodo, yo Gandalf there's trouble back at the shire. Come on we gotta go." Henry: Yeah and then Gandalf is like 'What the hell? The cruise ends in two days and then I retire.' and Frodo is all like "Yo Gandalf we gotsta do this." Lance: And then the eagle takes them away and Gandalf is all like "I'm getting too old for this crap." Peter Jackson: And then let me guess, along the way they meet a dwarf played by Joe Pesci. Lance: Get me my tin foil cap because this man is a mind reader. Drew: What am I thinking? Peter Jackson: I have no clue. Drew: WOW, that's what I was thinking. Peter Jackson: What? Drew: Clue, the board game. I don't own it but I'd like to. Lance: (double take) Anyways, they find out that there have been some Asian gang elves dealing some wack crank all up in the shire. Henry: Yeah and once they solve that problem they find out that Middle Earth has become a giant battlefield between crank dealing Asian gang elves and a bunch of crank dealing Italian Mafia dwarves...of which Joe Pesci was once a part. Drew: Joe Pesci is great in everything he does. Lance: The kicker is this. Eventually they figure out that the Orcs are the ones supplying the gangs with the wack crank. It's their way of seeking revenge. And they've built this huge crank factory called the Crank Star that puts out tons and tons of wack crank... Peter Jackson: Look, these ideas are ridiculous. The actors will never sign on for this. Henry: Those actors as you call them...sucked. Biggest movie ever and not one of them got nominated for an Oscar? C'mon. Lance: Word. We were thinking of making some changes anyways cuz the one problem I had with the film was there wasn't one black person in the whole damn movie. 10 hours, not one black person. It was like driving across Utah. Peter Jackson: Look, I was following Tolkien's vision. That part of Middle Earth was something like Medieval Europe. I assure you there were plenty of African Americans working behind the scenes. Lance: Oh, oh I figured that. I figure there were plenty of blacks working for you off stage (rolls eyes)...but my point is that there were none onscreen and that's what we'd like to fix in our sequel. Henry: Ay yo trip, Frodo played by Snoop Dogg. Peter Jackson: What? Lance: Listen up, listen up. Picture this. Frodo, chillin' in the shire smoking some hobbit weed with his homies. Know what I'm saying. Or he's out kicking ass in Middle Earth all like "Got my mind on my shire and my shire on my mind." You gotta like that. Peter Jackson: Not really. Henry: Well how about Dr. Dre as Gandalf? Tell me that's not dope. Of course he'll be called Gandalf The Black. Lance: But don't worry Mr. Lord of the KKK. Not everyone is gonna be black. Like the elves...they can stay white. I was thinking Legolas could be played by Eminem. I think he could dominate in that role. Henry: Word, that's bad. And he can be all "Right yo, it's time for Legolas...to kick some ass." Lance: Sweet, very sweet. That has got to be in the movie. You know me? Henry: I hear someone at the door. Let me look through the peephole. I KNOW YOU! [Lance and Henry do a funky handshake.] Peter Jackson: And let me guess. Aragon...a computer generated TuPac? Lance: Hmmm, good idea but I was thinking Denzel Washington. Maybe you heard of him. He won an Oscar. You know they give those to black people now. Peter Jackson: Denzel Washington is a brilliant actor and I think he would have made a great Aragon. Heck, I might have cast him myself if I thought it fit in the vision of Middle Earth. But c'mon, you seriously think the audience is gonna buy the fact that all the characters look completely different all of a sudden? Lance: Well in the last movie they defeated a great evil...ie "the man"...and we'll just say the spell that caused everyone to be pale white was broken and everyone went back to being their regular color which was beautiful black. It took a little while for it to happen is all. Peter Jackson: Alright, I can see you've really thought this through. I'm impressed. Having said that...if we make this movie that you're talking about...the academy is going to come to my house, beat me to a bloody pulp and then take back the eleven oscars. Henry: Yeah...well what if we could replace those eleven oscars with a check that has eleven zeroes? Peter Jackson: What? Drew: Uh guys, that's like 100 billion dollars... [Lance and Henry write on some paper.] Lance: Uh, my colleague made a small error. Uh, how about one million per Oscar so say eleven million. Peter Jackson: (long pause)And then we make The Hobbit? [Lance and Henry look at each other with a 'yeah right' expression.] Lance: Absolutely. Peter Jackson: Alright, I'll do it. [They celebrate. Peter Jackson opens the door to leave.] Henry: Oh wait. I almost forgot. Liv Tyler has to be played by Lil Kim and has to have at least 3 nude scenes. Peter Jackson: Sure whatever. As long as I get to make The Hobbit. Oh baby, that's gonna be sweet. [Peter Jackson leaves. The three celebrate. Enter Boss.] Boss: What's going on here? I just saw Peter Jackson leaving in the elevator. Drew: Hi Uncle, we just made a movie. Lance: We pitched a Lord of the Rings sequel and he agreed to do it. Boss: What? I was supposed to meet with Peter Jackson. [Boss looks over papers.] Boss: You pitched this? [The three of them nod.] Boss: Please tell me you mentioned the Lil Kim nude scenes. Lance, Henry, Drew: We did. You know us! Boss: Wait a minute...you're my nephews. I KNOW YOU! [They all hug.] Boss, Lance, Henry, Drew: (singing) Rolling through Middle Earth smoking Hobbit weed, sipping on gin and juice. Laid back. With my mind on my shire and my shire on my mind. [Fade Out to Snoop Dogg's "Gin and Juice". Don't do drugs!] Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
