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.....Ben Affleck Jay.....Jason Mewes Silent Bob/Kevin Smith.....Kevin Smith Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Ben Affleck! Ben Affleck: Hello everyone, I'm Ben Affleck and I have to say it's great to be hosting Saturday Night Live tonight. [Crowd responds] Ben Affleck: Look, I'm going to be straightforward here. I know there's something you all want to hear my opinion on. I've gone through some hard times this year, it's true, and the entertainment world has been waiting to hear my side of the story. Well recently, the actions of that BITCH have enraged me to the breaking point...I am referring, of course, to George Steinbrenner, owner of the New York Yankees..The New York Yankees are a disgrace to the name of baseball, by using large amounts of money to lure talented players from other teams... [Ben Affleck puts on Red Sox Baseball Cap] Ben Affleck: He has turned the great game of baseball into a business enterprise. And come on...EVERYONE hates the Yankees. That's because the YANKEES S- [Ben is cut off by the ‘out loud’ chatter of Jay, in the audience] Jay: Man, lunchbox, Jersey Girl is gonna be great! I’ve seen the preview for it, that “dude from Aerosmith’s” daughter is in it with that chump, Matt Affleck. Ben Affleck: Hey could you be quiet! People want to hear my opinion on "The Great Yankee Conspiracy" to screw the great city of Boston. The latest event being Alex Rodriguez going to the Yankees instead of the Red Sox. That's right...A-rod should have gone to Boston. Jay: Dude...man, chill. A-rod? This A-rod shit sounds like something you get in fucking Zelda that helps you get into the fucking Dark Castle or something...shut up Bob, I'm not a pussy!! Ben Affleck: Whatever. And by the way, I'm starring in Jersey Girl, in theaters now, and the name is Ben Affleck not Matt Affleck. You’re probably confusing me with Matt Damon. Jay: Wait...Ben Affleck...you mean you're that queer from Bagger Vance? Fuck that! Anyway, lunchbox, Liv Tyler is so fine! Ben Affleck: I’m the host here, so do me a favor and shut up! Jay: No, you shut up, beotch! [Jay steps up on to the home base stage] Jay: You’re the dude who broke up with J. Ho, right? Ben Affleck: Actually, her name is Jennifer Lopez, J. Lo for short. Jay: Yeah, right. I had that chick back in Jersey before she was on “In Living Color”. Isn’t that right, lunchbox? (Silent Bob make a big smiley face) Ben Affleck: Security! Get these punks off the stage! Kick ‘em out! Jay: Shit! It’s the fuzz, lunchbox! Run fat ass, run! [Studio Security grabs Jay & Silent Bob] Jay: Fuck, fuck, fuck the police! Fuck, fuck, fuck the police! [Security grab Jay & Silent Bob/Kevin Smith and start draggin them out of scene.] Silent Bob/Kevin Smith: (yelling) Hey Ben, if Jersey Girl bombs I'm gonna come back and kick your ass. [Jay & Silent Bob/Kevin Smith exit] Ben Affleck: (takes off cap) One more thing. I just want to say it would really mean a lot to me if all you great Yankee fans went to see Jersey girl. Thank you. Go Yankees! We have a great show for you, tonight. N.E.R.D. is here! So stick around. Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
