[Scene begins in the corner of a bar, where a pool table is set up. Derrick (Thompson) has just sank the 8-ball in the current game and has won the match against Tony (Parnell) and his playing partner, Mookie (Armisen).]

Derrick: Hell yeah! Looks like that’s a second win for me and Tizzy Fo’ shizzy...

[Tizzy (Mitchell) comes out of his seat and slaps Derrick a five.]

Derrick: (to Tony, whom is sitting in a chair looking dejected) Pay up, bitch!

Tony: (standing up) Uh...how ‘bout we make it triple or nothing?

Derrick: What? You wanna get smoked yet again?

Tony: You still in Mook?

Mookie: (sitting down) Sure...it’s your money...

Derrick: It’s on then! (walks over to the table) I’ll rack ‘em...the bitch breaks first.

[While Derrick is racking up the balls, Tony pulls a leather suitcase out from behind the chair in which he was previously seated. He opens it up, and reveals what appears to be an expensive, professional pool stick, which is detached in two places. He screws the two pieces together, all the time looking very serious. Once he finishes, he sets up and prepares to break.]

Tony: (his tone changes from half-hearted to heavily ebonic) It’s hustle time now, suckas!

[Tony bends over the table and begins aiming the stick...he remains very serious, as if the hustle is finally on. He then smacks the ball...but barely. It rolls slowly towards the other balls and makes soft contact with them, having little to no effect. Tony raises up with a look of frustration on his face, and walks back towards Derrick, who begins chiding him.]

Derrick: Oh...I guess that’s the part where you were supposed to hustle us, huh? Was that the plan, or did you just forget that you really are a bitch???

[Derrick laughs for a couple seconds, as Tizzy takes the next shots.]

Tony: (back to speaking half-heartedly) No...I mean yes. I mean...you’re right, I am a bitch.

Derrick: Yes you are! (laughs)

Tony: I guess I just saw this cool movie once where two guys hustled these two other guys, and I thought maybe I could do it too.

Derrick: But see, to hustle at pool, you gotta be good, dog...

Tony: Yeah...I guess I get your fancy logic now.

Derrick: (confused) Yeah...fancy logic...

Tony: I don’t need your sarcasm, ok! My friend over there has a brain tumor, and I’ve had syphilis since I was 13...and now I’m 34...so, I guess you could say we’re both crazy...or retarded.

Derrick: (softening up) Oh...I’m sorry, man. Syphilis is a bitch, dude.

Tony: Really...it’s alright.

Derrick: Well...why do you play pool, if you suck so bad?

Tony: (self-deprecating) What part of crazy or retarded did you not understand?

Derrick: (sympathetic) Yeah...that’s tough, man.

Tony: Yeah. (a beat) Hey, I got an idea! How ‘bout we bet a dollar I can make this next shot?

Derrick: What good would that do?

Tony: It would give me a chance to win all my money back!

Derrick: But you own me 200 dollars...

Tizzy: (walking up) Make that 600...I just ran the table baby!

Derrick: Holla! (they slap five) Why don’t you take a break, daddy...

[Tizzy walks off...so does Mookie.]

Derrick: Anyway, what I was sayin’...

Tony: I heard...I understand now.

Derrick: You sure? I mean, it is definitely clear to you, right, that two, I mean, six hundred dollars is much more than just one dollar?

Tony: (looks befuddled) I think...

Derrick: I don’t get it...I mean, what are you not gettin’ here?

Tony: Well I guess with the syphilis and all, I’m just not the mathbuster I used to be.

Derrick: Right...

Tony: My friend’s got it worse, though...

Derrick: How’s that?

Tony: He has ass lice.

Derrick: Ass lice? Does that mess with his ability to add numbers?

Tony: Well, no...but it’s pretty disgusting all the same.

Derrick: Man, damn...

Tony: Yeah, damn is right. Mookie says they’ve built a veritable colony around his o-ring.

Derrick: (repulsed) Ughhh...how’d he get ‘em, anyway?

Tony: I gave ‘em to him...

Derrick: Really? So you guys are, uh, together?

Tony: No...it just happened one night when we were playin’ around.

Derrick: (confused) I see...

Tony: Anyway, man, I had better get to payin’ you that one dollar I owe...(reaches for his wallet)

Derrick: (grabs his hands and looks him right in the face) It’s 600 dollars, you idiot...but listen, I’m not gonna make you pay, ok? I mean, with the doctor bills and ass lice and all...you guys already have enough to worry about.

Tony: (nearly tearing up) Really??? Thanks, man!

[They both shake hands heartily.]

Tony: Hey...is there any way I could borrow a dollar from you? I need to make a call outside...

Derrick: Sure, but I tell ya what...how ‘bout I give you ten dollars. How does that sound?

Tony: That sounds great!

Derrick: (reaches in his wallet, and pulls out a ten dollar bill) Here ya go. Now listen, buddy...you take that 600 bucks you would have lost tonight, find the best doctor in the world, and go get yourself and your friend treated, ok?

Tony: Ok! (runs off excitedly...we can hear him shouting as he runs away) I won ten dollars!

[Mookie and Tizzy approach Derrick at the pool table.]

Derrick: Hey, dude...your friend just left to make a call.

Mookie: What friend?

Derrick: You know...the guy you were playing with?

Mookie: I just met that guy...he came up to me earlier and asked if I wanted to play on his pool team or something, and that he would have asked his brother, but he had ass lice.

Derrick: (realizing the ruse) Son of a bitch! (runs off towards where Tony ran...we can hear him shouting as he runs away) Hey! Get back here, bitch!

[Mookie and Tizzy stand silently...a few seconds pass as everything settles down.]

Tizzy: So, you wanna play, dog?

Mookie: Sure. Let’s bet one dollar, ok?

Tizzy: What? One dolla?

Mookie: Yeah...I wanna get rich!

[Tizzy appears puzzled as the screen fades to black.]