[Scene begins in the visiting room of a prison. A glass wall and telephones separate a prisoner and his friend (Affleck and Fallon, respectively), the latter of which has just walked up and picked up the receiver. The prisoner is still hamming it up with a guard.]

Friend: Hey! (beating on the glass to get his friend’s attention) Pick up!

Prisoner: (loudly, to the guard) Next time, I’m just gonna rip his arms off!

[The guard laughs as the prisoner picks up the other receiver.]

Prisoner: Howdy, stranger.

Friend: What’s goin’ on there?

Prisoner: Oh nothin’...me and Jack’s just jokin’ around, that’s all. (excited) Wanna know why?

Friend: I...don’t think so.

Prisoner: Whatever, dude. (a pause) So, how are ya holdin’ up?

Friend: Shouldn’t I be asking you that?

Prisoner: Nah, I’m fine. Lotta myths about this (air quotes) "jailtime" mumbo-jumbo, I tell ya. So, whatcha got for me this week?

Friend: Not much. You know, it ain’t easy trying to find girls that want to go out with you, with you being in prison and all.

Prisoner: (oblivious) I haven’t the slightest idea why!

Friend: I wouldn’t think so. Anyway, I think the best prospect I have this week is Tara. She...

Prisoner: (interrupting) Picture???

Friend: Sorry...I couldn’t get one.

Prisoner: Oh, then how the hell am I supposed to make an unbiased judgment here?

Friend: (frustrated) Listen, she’s a friend of a friend, ok? She’s good lookin’...just trust me.

Prisoner: Alright, whatever. So, what does she do? She ain’t just eye-candy, is she...‘cause I got a lot of that in here!

Friend: Uh, she’s cool. She’s an engineer.

Prisoner: A woman engineer? Is she mannish?

Friend: She’s not mannish! She’s alright...she’s good.

Prisoner: What did you tell her about me?

Friend: Hmm...I told her some truths, but mostly a bunch of lies.

Prisoner: Good work. (a beat) Did you tell her what I was in for?

Friend: I told her embezzlement.

Prisoner: So, nothing about the kidnapping...or the treason stuff, right?

Friend: Correct.

Prisoner: Nice! (a beat) Well, let’s see...did you tell her I eat human hands?

Friend: What???

Prisoner: I eat human hands! If she points a finger in my face, I will eat it!

Friend: (buries his head in his hands in frustration) Dammit...

Prisoner: Hey, did you tell her about my hatred of big words?

Friend: (sighs) No, I didn’t know you hated big words.

Prisoner: I think it’s so pretentious to use big words...like pretentious.

Friend: Oh...well, I don’t think she uses big words, but I’m not for sure...but...

Prisoner: What does she wear? Like, is she into wearing those big head wraps? I hate those!

Friend: You know, what does it matter??? You’re in prison, for god sakes!

Prisoner: You know my policy: every girl I date...i.e., every girl that helps me smuggle in weapons by baking them into pies...must be a viable candidate for marriage. You’ve brought me some real prudes of late, my friend.

Friend: Prudes??? I’ve done the best I can!

Prisoner: All I’m askin’ is would this Tara girl refuse to do things like, uh, give me pictures of her vacuuming the floor naked or...sweeping the attic naked? You know, a lotta cigarettes get tossed around for stuff like that.

Friend: That’s it...I’m finished here! I can’t take this any longer (about to get up).

Prisoner: Just give me her phone number...I’ll give her a collect call. (laughs at the notion)

Friend: You know...I don’t know anymore! I don’t! Should I subject her to your endless crap about eating human hands, and your stupid stuff about weapons into pies, and...

Prisoner: (interrupting) Oh, don’t worry...I’m just giving you a hard time, buddy. I just don’t, you know, want to get some lame-o and be screwed.

Friend: You’re already getting screwed! Wouldn’t you rather it be by a girl...any girl, for that matter?

Prisoner: (interrupting) Oh, I don’t know...forced anal rape is sooo underrated, man.

Friend: What???

Prisoner: I mean, most of these black guys come in here with wet dreams of white women holding basketballs at a dance contest. Now, all they’re into is my sweet man-anus.

Friend: I’m not...I’m not even going there. Listen, I’ll bring her by next week...but dammit, if you pull that crap you did last time, I’ll never do this again!

Prisoner: Hey, I can’t help it if I have to offer my guard brohams some ‘tang every now and then to get some privileges around this place.

Friend: But there’s nothing about that offering that has to include me!

Prisoner: Hey, they’re like sharks...they get worked up into a frenzy. Man, woman...they just don’t care after a while, like us prisoners. I’m...mostly sorry. Don’t hate me, hate the system.

Friend: (emphatically) No more, ok!!! (getting up from his chair) I’ll see ya in a week. (hangs up the phone)

Prisoner: (stands up, turns to walk away, but suddenly approaches the glass and begins yelling) Hey dude, seriously...commit a crime! It’s bad-ass in here! (no response) C’mon, man...for real!

[The friend keeps walking as the screen fades to black.]