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.....Jimmy Fallon .....Tina Fey President Bush.....Chris Parnell .....Chris Parnell Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey. Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon. Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories! “Starsky and Hutch,” a film that is stuck in the 70s and “Hidalgo,” a movie in which a cowboy travels to the Middle East in an attempt to reap vast riches, opened to number 2 and 3 respectively at last weekend’s box office. In a related story, Ralph Nader and George W. Bush awoke on Monday morning to find they had each amassed millions of new supporters. Billionaire investor William Buffett accused the Bush administration this week of pursuing tax cuts that favor large corporations and wealthy individuals. Asked to comment, a clueless Bush said, “I love your song, Margaritaville!” Jimmy Fallon: Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry accused George W. Bush of “stonewalling” separate inquiries into the events leading up to the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorists attacks, as well as into the intelligence that suggested Saddam Hussein was hiding weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Asked to comment on this, a spokesperson for the White House said, “Duh!” Tina Fey: This week, the Bush re-election campaign launched their first negative ads against John Kerry. I think we have a clip of one of them… (A parody commercial plays) President Bush: John Kerry is a doody head! Announcer: This has been a message paid for by the committee to re-elect the President. (Commercial ends) Jimmy Fallon: Two people, including the man who oversees the cadaver program at the University of California in Los Angeles, have been arrested in connection with the alleged theft of body parts from the school. Asked to comment, Jeffrey Dahmer said, “I really wish you would stop making jokes about me!” Tina Fey: Police officials in Florida said this week that they are secretly monitoring certain rappers and hip-hop stars, like DMX and P. Diddy. We here at Weekend Update would like to say, if the police is secretly watching you and they tell the press, they aren’t secretly watching you, anymore. “Hidalgo,” a new movie about an American cowboy who travels to the Middle East in an attempt to reap vast riches, opened last weekend to a moderate total of 19 million dollars at the box office. Fans will be disappointed to know that the story is in fact a tall tale and not to be taken seriously. That’s a damn shame because, you know, nothing like that ever happens in today’s day and age (winks at the camera). Jimmy Fallon: And now here with a commentary on the presidential race is our own Chris Parnell! Chris Parnell: Hello, I’m Chris Parnell. Just so you know, I’m not here to do a rap about the host or anything. I wanted to just comment on something I was reading in the paper. It appears republican senator John Mc Cain from Arizona says that he is open to being considered for the vice presidential nomination under John Kerry. John, I do an impression of you on the show, and I have to say, that would be great, but…I don’t know that it would work. Think about John Mc Cain and John Kerry on the same ticket. The Democratic nomination could start to look like a reunion of the cast of “M.A.S.H.”. Think about! And another thing I want to say is this. I heard Dick Cheney had a heart attack when someone told him that his daughter is a lesbian. I heard Dick Cheney had another heart attack when George W. Bush announced his position on gay marriage. Not because it was an “anti-gay” position, but because he confused Rosie O’ Donnell with Elton John. Bush said, (breaks into Bush impression) “Elton John said to me that I was a cutie patootie. And Rosie O’Donnell, I just like to say, I love that song Rocket Man! Rosie O’Donnell was great on that show with John Goodman. Elton John, a great man who sang with his band, THE QUEEN, until his unfortunate death in 1991.” Thank you! Jimmy Fallon: Chris Parnell, ladies and gentlemen! Tina Fey: In an interview this week, Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson said that if they have a child that want their child to be just like President Bush. Asked to explain, Nick Lachey said, “Our child will have my good looks and Jessica’s intelligence.” Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon! Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey! Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow! Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
