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Courtney.....Amy Poehler Doctor.....Ben Affleck [Courtney (Amy) sits on a chair in a doctor's examination room reading a magazine. Doctor (Affleck) enters wearing a white lab coat and holding a green medical file.] Doctor: Courtney? (Extends his hand) Courtney: Yeah, (Shakes his hand) thank you for getting me in so soon. Doctor: Well, what seems to be the problem? Courtney: I'm just really, really stressed out. It's like everything that can go wrong has gone wrong all at once.. and I don't even know what to do with myself. Work is piling up, I hardly get to see my friends or family and I'm just going crazy. Doctor: I see, I see. I've been coming across this a lot lately, and I'm afraid there's really no better cure than a little bit of rest and relaxation. Courtney: I don't have time for that, I have my college finals this week and it's my graduating quarter. Doctor: Well, that does make things more difficult; you need to relax now you just don't have the time. Courtney: Exactly. Doctor: I think I have a solution. It's highly unconventional, but I have my full confidence in it. Courtney: Well, what is it? Doctor: Zechtinoxophin. Courtney: What? Doctor: It's a gentle hallucinogen that allows you believe that everything going wrong in your life is perfect. Courtney: I don't think I understand - you're prescribing me drugs. Doctor: No! No, no, no, I'm prescribing a miracle. A miracle called Zechtinoxophin, an only slightly illegal hallucinogen that can fix your problems, one pill at a time. Courtney: How can something only be slightly illegal? Doctor: Because it works so well, everyone does it. It's like pot, should be legal but it's not, except Zechtinoxophin won't help you on your way towards lung cancer. Martha Stewart took some right before she got convicted, know what she said? Courtney: Hello to the little gnomes and fairies in the jury box? Doctor: "A jail cell is a plethora of projects waiting to transform an ordinary cell into an extraordinary prison making a "Martha" house out of the big house. I really treasure it." Courtney: She didn't say that, I've read the court transcripts. Doctor: What kind of nerd are you? Courtney: That's not fair. And I don't think you're a very good doctor. Doctor: Look, I took a Zechtinoxophin this morning and due to the lasting effects of this powerful hallucinogen I didn't hear that last thing you said. All I heard was "blah blah I want to make out with you." And although it''s unprofessional, you're cute so I'm not entirely opposed. Courtney: I do not want to make out with you! (Gets up out of the chair) Doctor: That's cool, I'll call the nurse; I don't mind watching. Courtney: I can't believe this! I am leaving. Doctor: Wait! (He reaches longingly into the air as she heads towards the door. Forlorn orchestra music starts up. Courtney turns carefully but disbelievingly back towards him.) Look, the truth is, I don't have it any easier than you do. I work long hours listening to people complain about their lives while my practices is going under, my mom is dying of toe cancer, my dog was crushed by my neighbor's Volvo and I'm not sure, but I may be gay. (Sits defeated into the chair where Courtney was sitting.) Courtney: Wow, after listening to your heart wrenching list of woes I find my own problems not minimized at all. In fact, I feel even worse. Doctor: (Breaking into tears) That's what life does, kicks you write in the balls and ruins your buzz. Courtney: Is there nothing that can heal my pain? (Camera zooms in to a large tub of pills on the counter marked "Zechtinoxophin", camera cuts back to Courtney who looks at the doctor who is still sobbing and begins walking to the pills. She takes one out of the tub and raises it to her mouth.) Courtney: If reason, time, and a really good massage can't fix my problems nothing can; except for - maybe - this ridiculously strong hallucinogen. (Camera cuts to a view from Courtney's mouth as she raises the pill towards her mouth. Just as it is about enter the mouth, cut to black.) Super: Finals Week: My Pro-Drug Rate or review this sketch | Prior comments |
